[tryingtobeme]

Why do I always do this to myself??? T and I already talked about this for the past 2 weeks??????

I sent my mom some pictures of my son. Just so you all know, my mother, father, brother and his friends were the ones that abused me. They all could give to sh**s about me and my life. They don't even come see their grandson. Only once since he was born and he is 16 months old. I know, you are all thinking WHAT THE H**L?????

So, I've been feeling really sad and upset lately, well since the end of last year when I finally said enough is enough and I can't take how they treat me any more so I told them to stay out of my life.

Any ways, I've been having that need to talk to them, go see them, can't do that since they still live in the house that I grew up in, already tried and almost commited suicide there about 2 years ago...sorry getting off track, I am just so angry, sad, hurt, knowing I'm not loved by them, yet I send her pictures???? What the heck is wrong with me. I know they don't give a crap, yet...I always give in to my hurt and my desires to still want to try and have a relationship with them. I know that will never work. That is why I kicked them out of my life in the first place.

I've tried to make it work for us for over 3 years and I always end up hurt and the one being ridiculed, bi..hed at, the one left holding all the hurt and pent up feelings.

Now, I'm angry at myself, hate myself for even sending them. Then she starts asking me questions about him. Stupid, f***ing idiot I am, I even answered her quesitons. I am so messed up. so freaking stupid...no wonder I can't get my life together. UGH...at the same time, I just want to sit and cry and crawl in a hold and die. I've caused all this mess. If I would have just kept my mouth shut, not gone to therapy 3 years ago, none of this would have ever happened.

What the h**l tryingtobeme are you doing to yourself. I am so confused, sad, hating myself, when will this life just be over...I am so tired of it all. I wish I did succed at ending my life.

[Willow13]

(((trying))) It's not your fault, dear. Please try to take deep breaths and imagine a lot of caring people coming to give you hugs

You keep trying because you are a loving person -- but for now maybe you need to just focus on loving yourself and the people in your life who make you feel better about yourself.

[Rohag]

((((((( Tryingtobeme! )))))))

Yes, reread Willow's post. The Tryingtobeme Fan Club is right here sending you good thoughts.

[concern1970]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Why do I always do this to myself??? T and I already talked about this for the past 2 weeks??????

I sent my mom some pictures of my son. Just so you all know, my mother, father, brother and his friends were the ones that abused me. They all could give to sh**s about me and my life. They don't even come see their grandson. Only once since he was born and he is 16 months old. I know, you are all thinking WHAT THE H**L?????

So, I've been feeling really sad and upset lately, well since the end of last year when I finally said enough is enough and I can't take how they treat me any more so I told them to stay out of my life.

Any ways, I've been having that need to talk to them, go see them, can't do that since they still live in the house that I grew up in, already tried and almost commited suicide there about 2 years ago...sorry getting off track, I am just so angry, sad, hurt, knowing I'm not loved by them, yet I send her pictures???? What the heck is wrong with me. I know they don't give a crap, yet...I always give in to my hurt and my desires to still want to try and have a relationship with them. I know that will never work. That is why I kicked them out of my life in the first place.

I've tried to make it work for us for over 3 years and I always end up hurt and the one being ridiculed, bi..hed at, the one left holding all the hurt and pent up feelings.

Now, I'm angry at myself, hate myself for even sending them. Then she starts asking me questions about him. Stupid, f***ing idiot I am, I even answered her quesitons. I am so messed up. so freaking stupid...no wonder I can't get my life together. UGH...at the same time, I just want to sit and cry and crawl in a hold and die. I've caused all this mess. If I would have just kept my mouth shut, not gone to therapy 3 years ago, none of this would have ever happened.

What the h**l tryingtobeme are you doing to yourself. I am so confused, sad, hating myself, when will this life just be over...I am so tired of it all. I wish I did succed at ending my life.

Hi "trying"

Listen you have a lot of need for a lot of love around you at the moment, you know what I would do, instead of hurting yourself for what they have done to you and worrying about them, I would hold on tight to the ones that are in your life now and that love you dearly

[Hopeful78]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Why do I always do this to myself??? T and I already talked about this for the past 2 weeks??????

I sent my mom some pictures of my son. Just so you all know, my mother, father, brother and his friends were the ones that abused me. They all could give to sh**s about me and my life. They don't even come see their grandson. Only once since he was born and he is 16 months old. I know, you are all thinking WHAT THE H**L?????

So, I've been feeling really sad and upset lately, well since the end of last year when I finally said enough is enough and I can't take how they treat me any more so I told them to stay out of my life.

Any ways, I've been having that need to talk to them, go see them, can't do that since they still live in the house that I grew up in, already tried and almost commited suicide there about 2 years ago...sorry getting off track, I am just so angry, sad, hurt, knowing I'm not loved by them, yet I send her pictures???? What the heck is wrong with me. I know they don't give a crap, yet...I always give in to my hurt and my desires to still want to try and have a relationship with them. I know that will never work. That is why I kicked them out of my life in the first place.

I've tried to make it work for us for over 3 years and I always end up hurt and the one being ridiculed, bi..hed at, the one left holding all the hurt and pent up feelings.

Now, I'm angry at myself, hate myself for even sending them. Then she starts asking me questions about him. Stupid, f***ing idiot I am, I even answered her quesitons. I am so messed up. so freaking stupid...no wonder I can't get my life together. UGH...at the same time, I just want to sit and cry and crawl in a hold and die. I've caused all this mess. If I would have just kept my mouth shut, not gone to therapy 3 years ago, none of this would have ever happened.

What the h**l tryingtobeme are you doing to yourself. I am so confused, sad, hating myself, when will this life just be over...I am so tired of it all. I wish I did succed at ending my life.

tryingtobeme, you are not stupid. You are just in need. I understand these feelings of self-hate, but please don't let them take you down. You have all of us here feeling for you. Don't forget that.

[englishteacher]

(((((tryingtobe))))))) I know how hard it is to let go of those people who are supposed to be family and are supposed to love you. My son was born 10 years ago, but my family NEVER came to see him. Then they have the nerve to complain that they didn't get to even meet him until he was 2 years old. Still, it's taken me 20 years to cut them out of my life and stop letting them hurt me.

Please don't blame yourself!!!! This is their garbage...don't let it poison you. You are a very generous and lovable person. You've been so kind to so many of us here. Let our kindness soothe your soul as well.

[Alexandria04]

I think most of us never stop craving for love and affection from our parents and immediate family even if we know that it will never happen, never work out. It is just something built inside of us that we crave, but don't beat yourself up about sending the pictures and wanting their love and affection. Everyone wants their parent's love and affection, that is perfectly normal. Try not to be so hard on yourself, take some deep breaths and remember all the wonderful people that love you on here!

[Lisa Michelle]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening and you're so confused.
I can understand even after everything you still want the love and acceptance of your family.
If your family show no interest or desire to make things up to you and have a relationship with you (not that they 'deserve' it but it would be up to you whether you wanted it) then it truly is their loss.
You didn't get what you needed from your family but you have a new family now (your little boy) who love you and need you, I hope you can find positves in that.