[justfloating]

Okay ... Tomorrow I write essay #2 of 4. Time feels like it's speeding up and slowing down ... speeding up in the sense I don't have enough time to study, slowed down in the sense that it feels like AGES until I get to be done with this and go home.

My counsellor said to focus first on showing up, second on everything else. For somebody who can't guarantee she'll be able to get up in the morning, just going to these stupid exams is an accomplishment in itself. That's what she says. She doesn't have to apply to grad schools next year.

I wish there was some way of ... I don't know. Of explaining to the people who matter that my grades are hardly indicative of my REAL triumphs. My grades are all over the map and are really the indicators of my struggles. My successes have so far been not hurting myself despite sometimes overwhelming urges to do just that, not giving up despite meds that have either not worked or made things worse, and not dropping out of school despite being told to by three different professionals, because if I can't at least pursue my dreams -- albeit on a long, torturous path -- then the depression truly has won. I'm so terrified at this point that the depression's effects on my grades are going to shut me out of the grad programs I apply to. That they're going to look at my transcript and think that this is the transcript of someone who didn't try hard enough, when in fact it's the transcript of someone who gave it her all just to get through the degree. The transcript of someone who considers it an accomplishment just to have shown up, even though she may not have done very well once she got there.

Agh. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and I'm cranky and I'm not nearly prepared enough for these exams. Just needed to vent I guess.

[garden gal]

I wish you the best getting through the end of the semester. It was helpful for me to read what you wrote about your great triumphs of not giving up, not dropping out of school, not harming yourself. In my own experience, depression has had a way of messing up the schedule for my life that I had planned, and I sometimes feel like I haven't accomplished much. Thanks for reminding me of just how important and how hard won these kinds of accomplishments are when one struggles with depression.

[SophiaG]

*hug* I am proud of you for JustTrying. ^_^

[shaggy dog]

Hi justfloating I'm impressed by how articulate you are and you sound just as determined to follow your dreams. You definitily don't sound the type to let depression or anything else from messing with your future. Your post was very inspirational and I hope Essay #2 goes well for you. shaggy

[Naturefreak]

All the best to you with your essay tomorrow Rebecca

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

Not sure if I have anything too deep to add, only that I know just how you feel.

[googley]

(((((((justfloating))))))

I know when I applied to grad school there was a place on every application to put in extenuating circumstances. I would make sure to fill those out when you apply. Applying to grad school can be scary. I applied twice for PhD programs before I got into a Master's program. You can do it. You have worked so hard to get where you are now.