[LoneScout]

Is it selfish to leave my expecting wife & son for the afterlife?
She is from another country and has no family here (US).



Don't know what to do.

LoneScout

[so_punk_rock]

Lone scout i have to be honest. It would be kind of selfish. You seem like you are miserable and you just want to end the suffering. I feel similar. Im tired physically and emotionally and i dont have the energy to do alot of things. You have to keep going....i dont want to but i have to also, mostly im just looking towards the future.even now i want to give up but you just cant. If you cant do it for yourself u need to do it for that part of you that is growing inside your wife. I hope you can find some type of peace in this painful and confusing time. Just living a functional life is sooo hard and really i think its times that we all want to quit. That feeling comes back eventually but you just cant give up.

[Mike_J]

I feel so guilty for the people I have brought into my life who now depend on me. My wife and daughter, I didn’t have a choice about being born, this life was forced upon me, I didn’t ask for it I never wanted it. But I did ask my wife to marry me, and we brought another life into this world. My daughter never asked to be born but she is such a happy person I’m sure she is glad that she was.

I made commitments, I need to keep them.

You made commitments, you need to keep them.

Love your avatar Mike--Lone Scout- You ain't alone anymore--I agree with Mike all the way....My mom was a very unhappy woman-in and out of institutions all of my
childhood,
and she had divorced the creep who was my "father" when I was only two (WISE Lady) It was rough- she used to say it: "Once you have kids, you are not allowed to kill yourself" "It's the Coward's way"--"You Owe" and she hated it, but she went on, cause she felt it was her duty to try to be there as best she could, though in severe mental illness and pain----Yeah, Mike-I have to ditto you...

I hope things get better for you LoneScout...somehow, I am certain they will. Theo

[LoneScout]

So you are saying that I should take them all with me? I cannot really do that I am not capable, although the darkness is deep.

[Mike_J]

NO, I'm saying you need to "Cowboy Up"

You made commitments to be there for them to support them to protect them.

YOU, not anyone else YOU made those commitments KEEP THEM, protect them, and BE THERE FOR THEM!

[NuckingFutz]

Yo Dude, get off the railroad tracks. You found the right place to talk about why you are in so much emotional pain. My mom did what you want to do leaving me and my 2 sisters alone. I think if you hung out here and got to know us you would find happier days. Hang in there and keep posting. Many of us have been where you are and because of this place, they are still among us. Keep posting. What got you in such a dark emotional place to begin with? The fortune inside my cookie said that we keep coming back to live until we "get it". i still don't get it so I am still here.

[pye218]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I feel so guilty for the people I have brought into my life who now depend on me. My wife and daughter, I didn’t have a choice about being born, this life was forced upon me, I didn’t ask for it I never wanted it. But I did ask my wife to marry me, and we brought another life into this world. My daughter never asked to be born but she is such a happy person I’m sure she is glad that she was.

I made commitments, I need to keep them.

You made commitments, you need to keep them.

great response

LoneScout, you need to be a stand up guy. Taking a powder is a betrayal that cannot be countenanced.

[Lisa Michelle]

LoneScout I think you need to seek immediate help.
There IS a way out of depression, many people have recovered. There is no reason why you can't do that also.

Your pain RIGHT NOW will pass. What about the pain your wife will feel if you take your own life? Would it be an easier pain to deal with? How can you know that the pain you feel right now is more than she would feel if you left her? I am sure you care about that.

If you keep fighting this, if you are determined to be better, there will be happier days.
Please seek help, it's so worth it.

[englishteacher]

Lone Scout - I've been where you are and unbelievably, it can get better. Don't let yourself wallow in this miasma of depression...it just gets worse. See a therapist, call the hospital...do something to reach out for the help you need. One month ago, I felt exactly the same way. I was actively planning ways to do it, but one month later, I'm glad I'm still here because I got back on anti-depressants. Please get help.

[NuckingFutz]

Are you still with us Lone Scout?

[LoneScout]

Thank you all for your posts.

NuckingFutz - sorry to read about your tough time/life.

Lisa_Michael - thank you for the perspective.

I am so sorry that I feel this way, I am sorry to trouble all of you, I am a bad person for having this darkness.

-LoneScout

[Yoda]

No Lonescout you are not a bad person. You did not choose to be ill. You are a good person by caring about how your family would cope if they lost you. I have had those thoughts too. Somehow I made it to a better place at least for the moment. I hope you feel better soon.

[lynn P.]

Lonescout - I agree with all the others here - it is selfish but you're not a bad person. You won't always feel this way and when you feel better, you won't believe you wanted to end it. My brother ended his life 2 yrs ago this month and it causes incredible mental anguish for loved ones and friends. The legacy lingers for generations as 'so and so's the one who ended his/her life". If you're in immediate danger please go to your nearest emergency room. Here is a compassionate website for you to look at. You can get through this bad stage. This website is also handy for anyone who's feeling very down. Your children and wife really need you.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[LoneScout]

I am a small boat in a large ocean.
I am listening.



LoneScout

[lynn P.]

We're the lighthouse guiding you safely to shore. Let your wife and children be your anchor. I know my children inspire my life and I hope yours do too. Do you know if your wife is carrying a boy or girl?

[LoneScout]

I don't really know, hospital tech says maybe a girl.

LoneScout

[lynn P.]

That's great a boy and girl. I have 2 girls. As long as they're healthy, it doesn't matter. How long have you been depressed and what kind of depression is it if you don't mind?

[LoneScout]

Bipolar but I should get more of a formal diagnosis with testing.
I am considered highly functional, hold down a job, and have a secret life of wanting to die ALL THE TIME. I have a T and I shared with him my attempt story. Attempted 4 times, but since the medication I have not attempted again. I am afraid to die, but feel it calling me, pulling me. Every morning I wake to a minor panic attack, take meds and have to wait 30mins until I calm down. I recently shared with my wife about my suicide attempt from 18 years ago, in the 10 years of marriage I never told her... The old me is coming to life with the coming of a 2nd and my admission to grad school and work.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by LoneScout

Bipolar but I should get more of a formal diagnosis with testing.
I am considered highly functional, hold down a job, and have a secret life of wanting to die ALL THE TIME. I have a T and I shared with him my attempt story. Attempted 4 times, but since the medication I have not attempted again. I am afraid to die, but feel it calling me, pulling me. Every morning I wake to a minor panic attack, take meds and have to wait 30mins until I calm down. I recently shared with my wife about my suicide attempt from 18 years ago, in the 10 years of marriage I never told her... The old me is coming to life with the coming of a 2nd and my admission to grad school and work.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for sharing your history. I had another brother who had manic depression but unfortunately he passed away from AIDS. Sounds like you have a lot of responsibility. Has your therapist taught you techniques for calming yourself with the panic attacks? Good you were honest with your wife. Please think of your wife and kids - I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. This will pass and your kids will give you tons of pleasure and grieve sometimes lol, but they're worth it. Unfortunately I have to go now since my own girls will be up early. Hang in there and be safe.

[lynn P.]

Hey Lonescout - just checking in to see how you're doing?

[LoneScout]

I am making it, thanks for checking in.
Lonescout

[LoneScout]

I am at a dark crossroad for in my perspective I beleave that I am in control. I can either continue exploring my attempts and the feeligs behind them which open repressed memories, feelings and allow me to have more feelings in present day at the risk of loosing my job, hurting my marrage and potentally dieing in the process. I guess self phycotherapy is a bit like playing with fireworks...

[lynn P.]

Unfortunately I'm not trained to advise you about that, but a therapist could. Are you presently in therapy Lonescout?