[Elana05]

I have gone on vacation with my partner to visit her sister. We've enjoyed some fun activities. But it is not relaxing and I wish I was not so anxious. I read an interesting article today about how some who have autism often feel as though they are "aliens" in a world of "neurotypical" humans. I have often had this "alien-like" feeling in my life and it was really with me today. I just don't know how to react to certain people and my partner's sister is one of them. Her general demeanor is extremely serious and moody (seeming very tense and anxious) even while on holiday, but this mood is punctuated by moments of occasional lightness or happiness. Whenever she is serious and moody it effects me like a ton of bricks. I think today it was worse as well because I slept only like four hours last night.
I grew up with a mom who could be tense and angry and slam things around at any time - and when you're a kid you just assume it's your own fault. And usually she made it seem like my fault even when it wasn't. I just had to go around trying very hard to fix everything. So when someone else acts this way I just don't know how to go about my business and not completely tense up and react. I don't know how to understand that it's not my fault or not related to me (I know it's not because I haven't done anything except be a good guest. Plus my partner has told me this is just how her sister is.)
I feel like the way I react to other people makes me an alien. Like being with them heightens my senses 400% and by the end of the day I am completely worn out and stressed. I mean, we all spent all day together.
I just want to know how long it is going to take me to stop tensing up whenever I'm with other people. It wears me out. Even during this trip I was day dreaming about how comfortable I would feel if I was alone. Lonely, yes (I guess it's a catch-22) but so much more free and comfortable. Free and unburdened by someone else's moodiness. When I am with that person and become overtired or triggered it becomes like weight upon weight on my shoulders relating with them. I can't seem to feel free (unless completely alone).

[justfloating]

((((((((Elana)))))))))))

Oh my goodness, the EXACT same thing happens to me. It's SO draining. My mother can be like yours -- she's very ... expressive when she's angry, and I always feel like I need to "fix" it in order to calm her down, even when whatever's going on is not my fault. That translates into my relationships with other people, putting me on edge just because others are on edge, etc. I suppose we are overly empathetic that way, and I know how difficult that can be.

What helps for me is to try to get away. Not far, maybe just out of the room. Putting a physical barrier between myself and the other person helps me separate myself from their mood. Maybe you can excuse yourself from the room for a few minutes, go to your own room and listen to a song you particularly enjoy, or take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down.

Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself; I hope that you can enjoy your vacation despite all this.

[Changeling412]

Hi Elana...I am like that as well and the one person that triggers me the most is someone that I love and enjoy being around (my niece). However, she has a tendency of calling me when she's angry or sad or a little tipsy and she wants to rant about work, married life, etc. As much as I want to be able to listen to her, for her, if I do then by the time we get off the phone I am so depressed that I can't function but she on the other hand is fine because she just unloaded on me. It's not just her though so I go through this quite often. I agree with the suggestion of removing yourself and/or putting some distance between you and the person that is triggering you. Luckily for me, my family knows i'm moody and thinks i'm a little weird so if I go off to be by myself for a little while so that I can breath and deescalate then they don't think much of it.

[garden gal]

I'm sorry your vacation has gotten off to a stressful start. I can definitely relate to that alien-like feeling around people who I don't relate to very easily. Sometimes I assume that it is my fault or my own fundamental weirdness that is causing the disconnect, as opposed to it just being the reality of the situation that a particular person and I don't relate well to each other... or that it could even partly be the other person's issue. I think that depression gets us to believe that we are alone, alien, other. But, your partner's sister's issues are not your fault.

You mentioned feeling more "free and comfortable" when you are alone. I think it is a gift in some ways to be comfortable in your own skin and be able to be alone. Lots of people aren't. But, I'm also wondering if there are people (like maybe your partner?) that you do feel free and comfortable around? I'm definitely an introvert myself, and people can wear me out too... but those few close friends make all the difference. Just a thought.

I wish you well surviving the rest of your vacation. I hope you post again and let us know how it is going.

[concern1970]

I can so relate to this situation. As I have lived with this my whole life, my father is a person very much like your partners sister very moody and very vocal if things dont go his way. Our family have to tip toe around him all the time, I'v tried moving out three times but had to come back through financial problems in the end, so till this day, I still go through his tantrums daily.... It is so tiring and my poor mum her self esteem is so low through having to take this daily too. I love him very much, but dont like the way he acts sometimes and this has made me, very sensitive to other people's moods. I feel for you at the moment as you have gone there with your partner to enjoy yourselves, I think you and your partner should sneak off when ever you can for some TLC together and let her get on with it

[Rohag]

Hi, Elana05! I, too, am a member of this club. Whenever I'm around others I constantly scan for their moods and am prone to "catch emotions" (meaning I have "poor psychological boundary strength"). It can be exhausting and even triggering.

Based on readings and introspection, I also think it's likely this trait is related to early, home experiences.

Originally Posted by justfloating

What helps for me is to try to get away. Not far, maybe just out of the room. Putting a physical barrier between myself and the other person helps me separate myself from their mood.

Excellent advice! Even something as simple as a chair, a book, or magazine may do the trick.

[SophiaG]

I was in a bad mood last night and I watched a movie. That 2 hours of escaping made me feel better.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Rohag

"psychological boundary strength"

Rohag,
This is the area I need to work on!! Is there a class somewhere??

Thanks everyone for all of your great insight. This forum certainly makes me feel less like an alien...

[Lisa Michelle]

Elana, I'm sorry you're 'trapped' on holiday with such a negative person! I think it's hard for most people to be around negative people, especially for a pro-longed amount of time. It's true, when you're around positve, happy people the attitude rubs off on you, and the same with moody, negative people. I can tend to be negative and I know when I am it affects the people I'm with. But when I'm happy they're happy.
I wouldn't advise you to think there is something wrong with YOU because you feel this way around her! I'd like to see anyone be around someone who is constantly moody and try to remain upbeat. It would be quite hard.
My only suggestion is perhaps try to have some time with just you and your partner.. even if just for the evening. It must be hard to tied to your partner's sister, it'd be good to spend some time with just your partner and do something you want to do - afterall it is your vacation too. If it's not possible... I don't know, just try to get through it the best you can, and be glad it's not a constant thing :P

Elana05, therapy could be considered a class.

[living-with-me]

Elana05 I'm right with you on that note! I don't know why, but I let other peoples emotions get the best of me all the time, and it wears me out too. I always feel the blame when it could clearly be the other person's fault. Meeting people has always been a hard thing for me, acceptance is my biggest issue. I want everyone to like me because I have a sincere heart and don't mean no harm to no one, and some peoples attitudes makes me mad on the outside but very sad within. So in turn like yourself, I would rather be alone. I can entertain myself at anytime... yet lonely doing so. However, knowing you don't have to worry about pleasing others and letting them take you on a emotional roller coaster is like you say...."so much more free and comfortable".

[brephi]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I have gone on vacation with my partner to visit her sister. We've enjoyed some fun activities. But it is not relaxing and I wish I was not so anxious. I read an interesting article today about how some who have autism often feel as though they are "aliens" in a world of "neurotypical" humans. I have often had this "alien-like" feeling in my life and it was really with me today. I just don't know how to react to certain people and my partner's sister is one of them. Her general demeanor is extremely serious and moody (seeming very tense and anxious) even while on holiday, but this mood is punctuated by moments of occasional lightness or happiness. Whenever she is serious and moody it effects me like a ton of bricks. I think today it was worse as well because I slept only like four hours last night.
I grew up with a mom who could be tense and angry and slam things around at any time - and when you're a kid you just assume it's your own fault. And usually she made it seem like my fault even when it wasn't. I just had to go around trying very hard to fix everything. So when someone else acts this way I just don't know how to go about my business and not completely tense up and react. I don't know how to understand that it's not my fault or not related to me (I know it's not because I haven't done anything except be a good guest. Plus my partner has told me this is just how her sister is.)
I feel like the way I react to other people makes me an alien. Like being with them heightens my senses 400% and by the end of the day I am completely worn out and stressed. I mean, we all spent all day together.
I just want to know how long it is going to take me to stop tensing up whenever I'm with other people. It wears me out. Even during this trip I was day dreaming about how comfortable I would feel if I was alone. Lonely, yes (I guess it's a catch-22) but so much more free and comfortable. Free and unburdened by someone else's moodiness. When I am with that person and become overtired or triggered it becomes like weight upon weight on my shoulders relating with them. I can't seem to feel free (unless completely alone).

I, too, am in the same club. But, my sister is the problem. She is so negative and toxic. She complains about everyone, but herself. She talks about me behind my back; is jealous of me and has been for our entire lives. I try to avoid her whenever I can. Because after I am with her, I can't wait to go home, take my meds and go to bed so I can rest my body and mind.

[Elana05]

Lisa Michelle,
I suppose you're right that anyone would be affected by another's mood...
Byzantine,
Such a good point. Sometimes the process feels slow.
Briphi,
I hear you about needing to rest your body and mind afterwards. Your sister sounds very hard to be around. As Rohag mentioned it takes some real work in the area of "psychological boundary strength." Hope you get the rest you need...

I'm home now and thinking about the trip. My partner insists that her sister has "always been this way" (tense, anxious, serious). I have seen her less so at other holidays, so it seemed a bit of an anomaly to me. She is also a very successful person, high up in her field. I suppose her type A qualities and drive have gotten her there. But I worry about her psyche (and blood pressure). I guess we all have our issues. We are just two very different people. Often it is hard for me to feel justified in the way I do things or able to discuss why life isn't "full speed ahead" for me at the moment - even though I wish very deeply that it were. When faced with someone who is so driven (at the cost of their own mental balance) it is hard to explain my own struggles, you know? I think my self esteem kind of fell off... for instance trying to explain why I wasn't working right now. Ah well. Again, we all have our issues. I just wished that I felt more entitled to accept the person that I am, I know I am doing my best...

[Lisa Michelle]

Elena I relate totally. If anybody asked me right now why I wasn't working I would feel mortified (I avoid that situation at all costs). I have a justified reason and it's totally ok for me to not be well enough to work right now... but there is that worry that people won't understand, that they will conclude you're lazy or not good as good as them. I would go as far as to avoid seeing people so I didn't have to talk about "what I'm up to". It was my nan's funeral last week, I never saw her really or that side of the family, and my anxiety is so high that I couldn't face the amount of people who were there --- and a big part of that was because I couldn't handle the small talk, the "how are you"s and the "what are you doing these days". I feel inferior to EVERYONE just because I'm not working...
I can't offer any advice because I'm struggling with that too, but I do know that we ARE good enough and that there's no shame in being ill. If you had a phsyical illness you wouldn't feel bad for not working, and it's just the same really.

Anyway, congrats on getting through the vacation I hope you were able to sort of see that, yes your sis in law is "sucessful", as are other people, in some ways but is she really happy? Is she fun to be with? Nobody is perfect, it's absolutely true.