[Perzephone]

Just trying to figure things out here... I don't think anyone can really help me out of this, but I'm open to suggestions...

My job, which I've had for the past 4 years, is probably ending my position in November, but no one will tell me for sure one way or the other. I've been playing the great waiting game for a little over a year now. Everything I've been hearing has been based on rumor, conjecture & speculation. When they end my position, I will probably have the option of going back to my old position, which pays about .50c less, but is really hard on my knees. (I was a front desk clerk - 8 hrs. of standing & repetitive motion - my knees have no ligaments & the cartilage is torn up, but I'm afraid to get surgery). I'd like to be able to just quit the damn job, but it's very stable & secure (at least, it would be if not for this merger)... but no one will give me a yes/no answer as to how secure my position will be after November. I feel unable to go out & look for work because for one, our car is dying in the heat, and we're thinking about moving out-of-state once my job here is terminated.

However, I don't feel I can depend on my husband once we move. We've tried to escape Las Vegas twice & had to come back because he refuses to work. I don't feel I can be on my own right now because of finances & convenience (which is the worst trap to fall into). I'm terrified that we'll spend the money to make the move, and I'll be working my *** off & he'll be sitting on his because he can't find a job to fit his finicky work requirements.

I'm also finding out that I am slowly but surely going to have to give up on my idea of becoming a mortician. I can't get the schooling, and once I do get certification, there's no guarantee I'll get work in that line. So I'd be a frycook w/a degree in Mortuary Science. I'd like to start school for something else, just give up & get a degree in accounting or become a CPA - something I abhor but I know I can use in the real world.

The biggest thing I'm dealing with is that I'm 31 1/2 years old, and I have this horrible feeling that I'm running out of time. I feel like I need to do something to move forward with my life before I become completely unhireable... but my husband wants me to wait til we move to Washington to start school. This is what happened when we moved to Louisiana - I would have had to stay in Louisiana a year before I qualified as a resident to be able to enter the mortuary program... and I was making minimum wage while my husband sat around doing nothing. So we had to come back within like, 4 months. I'm afraid that if I wait to do something til we go to Washington, it'll be a repeat. My confidence about dealing with major changes has been seriously shaken up, but I'm tired of being in this rut that I'm stuck in... I can't seem to change myself anymore, which is why I sought therapy - to help me regain the confidence to change myself.

I've been kicking myself in the head for not starting on higher education when I first quit high school - but that's the other problem. I hate school, and there are some classes that I will have to attend in person to get a grasp on, like the math classes, and others that have lab requirements (science & computer work). I always thought if I was going to school for something I honestly wanted, it would be easier but I don't think I'll have that luxury anymore.

Now, everytime me & my husband get into a discussion about moving, my job, what I want to be when I grow up... I end up on the verge of crying. We fight about it about once a week, usually in the car on my way to work, which pisses me off because I can't escape and it makes me start to cry right before I walk in the building - and there is nothing more embarrassing to me than showing up at work w/puffy eyes & a red face & snotty nose.

I know there are people in this world facing incredible loss & hardship, hard finances, bad situations, and they still achieve amazing things, but I can't seem to get on with my life... I don't have it that bad, but I feel rotten inside.

Thanks for letting me whine. Love y'all

[Parker10]

I can hear your frustration ! I didnt decide what I wanted to be when I grew up til I was almost 40, and returned to college for a second degree. At 31 you certainly have time ! If you are the major breadwinner, and you want to go to school to be a mortician, and if you can do that where you live now, can you take a night class in the fall ? Can you go to a Community College to take some of the required stuff before you actually go to the school for the Degree in Mortuary Science? Arent those programs usually a year or less? (My niece is one, and I think she only went for 9 months or a year in PA).

Not sure about that weekly argument on the way to work - sure sounds unpleasant - got a walkman so you could put in earphones and shut him out during that ride?

Being in limbo with your present position has to be annoying ! Sorry you are going thru that !

Good luck ......sounds like you have dreams that you want to fulfill , but havent been able to get started. Hope it works out for you !

[Perzephone]

The whole reason I'm giving up on the mortician thing is because there are only maybe 20 or so schools offering the program - all in different states. California & Arizona's cost of living is too high, the one in Oregon is very restrictive as to admittance, I couldn't make a living wage in Louisiana... Nevada is so geared towards the hospitality industry that it's colleges have limited programs & degrees, & most of mortuary school is very hands-on. Right now, they're all about 3-year programs w/continuing education afterwards. There used to be a very good school in San Francisco, but it shut down last year, probably because it was cost-prohibitive (About $13,000 plus having to make a living in SF)... So, waaaahhhh some more.

what about pell grants? have you considered nursing? or a lab? phlebotomy sure pays more than minimum wage. if there are lots of hospitals in LV< you can get a grant, or three, and go. it's only 7 weeks here. i'm going. i'm 62.......i can move to austin then and make $22 an hour and go to nursing school at night and on saturdays........girl, look around......pell grants are $3000 and anyone can get them..........

[Perzephone]

Heh, I make too much for a Pell, but not enough to support myself & husband & go to school... I can get a student loan, but you have to pay for your tuition/books up front & be enrolled full time & attend class for 30 days before the loan funds are disbersed.

And I really don't want to work in the 'medical' field, per se... just mortuary work.

I've basically researched myself out of a career.

[seeker1950]

Hey, you are a young thing, Perzephone. It sounds like your situation with your husband has beaten you down and you are feeling like you have no options. In my opinion, you are way too young to be feeling that way! Gosh, if I were 31, knowing what I know now at 54, I'd feel the world was my oyster, full of possibilities!
At your age, I remember that I too felt I had no options. I had a small child and was very unhappy in my marriage, with no marketable employment skills, just a degree in Art. I wanted out of the marriage badly, but when I tried discussing it with husband, he assured me I would be "out in the street," with no support and he would take our daughter from me, so I stayed until she left for college. During that time, however, I planned on my eventual independence, going back to school for my teaching certificate, and now I have been working in that field for 17 years, divorced 8 years.
If you are intent on staying in your marriage, I still encourage you to devise a plan for further education. You are obviously very bright and intelligent, with a unique ability to look at yourself with a bit of humor! even in this troubling time of decision. I bet there is something you could really enjoy as a career. I would not pursue anything like accounting unless you really love it. Think of what you really enjoy, explore avenues in that direction.
Seeker

[chralvin]

Thanks for sharing. I'll admit that I was a little bit astonished when I read that you felt you were running out of time, since you're "only" 31. I know that from your perspective that may seem old, but wait until you're about to turn 50, like me. Then, you'll really feel like you're running out (or maybe that you have already run out) of time. I would give almost anything to be 31 again and still facing the majority of my years. You most likely have a lot of time left, if you're like most of us Americans..
Don't give up. Keep your dreams alive because those are what will sustain you no matter what age you are. You may be on the pity pot right now, but that will pass if it's simply just a pity pot. On the other hand, if you're experiencing clinical depression, you can't simply pull yourself out of it. You'll need some help. Go to a live support group for folks with depression and share what's going on with you and how you feel stuck. The group can help you sort through what's really happening with you, your life situation, and your feelings. Also, go talk to a therapist and just lay it all out there- the counselor will be able to help you determine what level of stuckness you're at and will help you cope with it. If nothing else happens right away, at least you will feel that a load has been lifted because you have talked honestly with someone objective who also cares about how you're doing as a fellow human being.