[Elysium]

I'm sorry....

I don't post here often. I read a lot, but sometimes I don't cause it's hard to hear everyone's pain.

I am having a really low night. I keep thinking about how much I hate my life. I really do hate it. I'm 33, I have no family....no love in my life....no kids....I don't own a house...couldn't buy one now if I wanted too....I have a career and I make pretty good money...but for some reason, this doesn't feel like much.

I hate whining like this because I don't have it bad. I am really blessed. I have an apartment with heat, water, and electricity, I have a car that runs and is reliable, I have my animal family (who mean the world to me), and I don't know why all these things just don't feel good. A lot of people don't even have these things. Why can't I just feel satisfied and content?

I just feel like if I went away....no on would really care. Even now, I feel like I'm just looking for attention....like I need a whambulance....but I'm really hurting. I can't believe how much I hate my life....and how much I have to lie to myself to keep myself going, otherwise I would self destruct.

I don't even feel like I've been doing good here at PC lately. I used to be able to support so many...now I feel like I'm not really supporting anyone.

I don't remember a time when I didn't hate my life....and I don't know why I just can't pull my head out of it.

I just want to know what it feels like to wake up and think "Aahh, another beautiful day", as opposed to "Not another day", which is what I am really thinking. I'm only pretending to be happy and perfect. I'm miserable....and I hate it.

[Sabrina]

You sound very depressed Elysium. I can identify with that. It really is a struggle to find anything worthwhile in a day when we're so miserable. I am sorry that you are struggling and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You are wonderful here at PC and I see many supportive posts from you.

[sugahorse1]

Hang in there - this too shall pass. Just know that it is not your choice to feel this way.
Just make sure you keep communicating with your pdoc and see if there isn't something he can prescribe to help you out a bit more

((HUGS))

What you speak of is familiar to many. You are depressed about being depressed. To feel better, I first have recognize the rut I am in. My focus is on the woe-is-me and not on what I can do to function at a higher level.

A major problem for me is isolation. One article states, "Isolation is a 'cancer' for the recovering person's soul." More and research informs us of the necessity of have good relationships. I live near a hospice. Every now and then, I go there to walk the halls and say hello to people.

Walking for me is better than any pill. The champion questions help: http://www.school-for-champions.com/life/5questions.htm

One of my therapists would ask me to describe the life I envision for myself. He asked about values. What are the important things I want to be part of my life. He stressed we have to make our lives work. No one is going to hand us one.

Sadly, I did not get to where I wanted to be. Yet, my life is better. For that I am grateful.

Be well.

[Rohag]

Hi, Elysium!

Originally Posted by Elysium

I'm sorry...

...for being depressed? OK, well, I'm depressed and I'm sorry and feel guilty about it. Maybe it's not totally logical, but there it is.

Originally Posted by Elysium

...I don't have it bad.

Depression doesn't care you "don't have it bad."

Originally Posted by Elysium

Why can't I just feel satisfied and content?

Could depression, as well as other diagnoses and "I don't like the politics of Health Care", have something to do with it?

Depression can take all the blessings in the world and absolutely negate their emotional impact.

Originally Posted by Elysium

...I feel like I'm just looking for attention...

And what's wrong with that? This is PsychCentral after all.

Originally Posted by Elysium

...and how much I have to lie to myself to keep myself going...

Elysium, do you have any secure time or space in your day or week when/where you don't have to lie to yourself or anyone else?

Originally Posted by Elysium

I just feel like if I went away....no on would really care.

Here's the irony: were you to go away, the ones who really care would then be obvious. But, being gone, you would never know it. I will tell you, others here at PC have and will tell you how much you mean to us. If we cyber-phantoms would grieve your absence, how much more would flesh-and-blood others grieve?

((((((((((Elysium))))))))))
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough depression. Please know that we are here whenever you need to talk. And if you ever want to chat with someone, feel free to pm me anytime. Please remember that this WILL pass. Just take it day by day, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time.

[lynn P.]

(((Elysium))))) - no need to apologize and I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I haven't been on very much either due to feeling low myself. Unfortunately when I'm down, I lose my creative writing skills - so I can't inspire anyone. All I can say is take extra care of yourself and remember this time will pass. Feel free to PM me.

[MickG]

Originally Posted by Elysium

Why can't I just feel satisfied and content?

I've read a good number of your posts and to be honest I truly think you feel the pain of the world. You know the injustice of missing children and the like. You feel it because you are real. It is enough to drive any human being off the edge. Perhaps you cannot feel satisfied until the world is set right.

I only hope this makes some sense. Anyway I see a human being in you and I cannot tell you what a pleasure that is to find these days. That IS our support. Thank you so very much.

Be well.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by MickG

I've read a good number of your posts and to be honest I truly think you feel the pain of the world. You know the injustice of missing children and the like. You feel it because you are real. It is enough to drive any human being off the edge. Perhaps you cannot feel satisfied until the world is set right.

I only hope this makes some sense. Anyway I see a human being in you and I cannot tell you what a pleasure that is to find these days. That IS our support. Thank you so very much.

Be well.

You know MikeG I think you're so right - Elysium does feel the pain of the world. What a lovely post you wrote

[Junerain]

I am right there with you, in my thirties, no kids, no family, no house....this HURTS terribly......the LACK of good things is just as painful as the PRESENCE of bad things, it seems...

My church helps me, my friends, (good and true deep friends) My support group..these are some things that ease my pain just a BIT,,,

I used to get mad jealous whenever I saw a happy couple,,and that was quite a bit- they are everywhere!!!!!!!!!

It;s like you can run and hide but couples (and families..) seem to pop everywhere, reminding you of something that you just dont have and cannot even WORK to have...it is all a matter of damn luck grrrrrrr

Your presence on PC is a good one,,that is another outlet you can nurture, when you feel up to it..

Just wanted to say, I HEAR YOU I validate your feelings..for they are deeply mine also

[SophiaG]

Elysium you must never ever feel depressed. EVER. or else you're a horrible person.

Everyone feels depressed i think its natural for people to fluxuate in moods.

[rawwar]

Depression sucks. One piece of advice I try to remember is to throw out any "should", "ought" or "supposed to" type statements. We either are or aren't, do or don't, can or can't. Inserting shoulds just brings shame into a situation. If you could feel happy, you would. Should has nothing to do with it.

[MoonTurtle]

Hang in there Elysium...

What you said is almost exactly like my life. I only seem to notice the things that are missing (boyfriend/husband, children, career, etc.) and not the things I have (food, electricity, roof over my head, etc.). Somedays it is okay, and sometimes it hurts really bad...feels like there is a gaping void in my life and I don't know how to fill it. Also feel guilty about feeling bad, because I feel like I have no right to be. Yuck, terrible vicious cycle...

I know this is easier said than done, but try to take care of yourself right now, even if you don't really feel like it. Maybe rent a funny movie, or take a walk in the park, or have your favorite food for dinner. These things often make me feel better, or at least not any worse!

Hope things get better for you soon!!

[angelbud]

Dear Elysium,

We're all here for the same reason I think, to find support where before we felt we had none. I've had the best support from my cat, he gives the best hugs! I only have to be "me" for him, and he loves me anyway. I understand the feeling of wanting so much to wake up to a new day and not only be accepting, but happy to see it. Normal for me is waking with a lump in my throat as big as a golfball caused by anxiety and thinking about the things I would do if I felt better and could be bothered. The one thing that always works is coming on here and seeing how supportive everyone is. It's so much more than what I had before I joined. Are you on meds, or have you been to get them checked??? Maybe talking to your Doctor would help.

I hope things start looking up for you,

[palmdalegirl]

Originally Posted by rawwar

depression sucks. One piece of advice i try to remember is to throw out any "should", "ought" or "supposed to" type statements. We either are or aren't, do or don't, can or can't. Inserting shoulds just brings shame into a situation. If you could feel happy, you would. Should has nothing to do with it.

that was excellent wisdom and advice!!!

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry you're feeling this low. Everyone's given you such amazing advice. All I have to add is to ask you not to feel bad for not supporting as much here on PC. I'm in a similar spot, and I think all of us are at some point. We go through different types of depression... take support where you need it, and give when you can.

*hugs*

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Elysium )))))))))))))))