[Biren]

I don't think I've ever felt this lost and confused about in my life, even though I've recently turned 18, before. I have been wanting to go see a therapist at my school, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for a therapy. Two of my best friends are psychology majors and they are my two main "therapist" whenever I have a problem. However, certain circumstances which I will discuss, has resisted me to going to them.

My first problem is that I'm feeling guilty about something. My uncle, mom's brother, passed away on my birthday almost two months ago. I was looking forward for a year to celebrate my 18th birthday with all of my friends, and I had planned out the whole day with various stuff to do. I came home around 4 AM on the night before (technically it was May 28) and my dad gets up and starts yelling at me. I figured it was nothing big because I always get yelled at when I come home late. They started with "Why do you come home late....you know we can't even sleep when you come home this late...." and I sorta ignored them and started going to bed. Then my dad tells me "Do you even know what happened..?"....suddenly I knew something bad happened. Then he tells me that my uncle passed away because of heart attack. The whole world came crashing down on me. I was in the best mood and times of my life upto that point. Obviously, all the plans were cancelled and I shut off the whole world for a week and stayed home trying to cope with the lost.

My uncle was like my second father when I was growing up. He spoiled me in all the way possible (innocent spoilage...nothing terrible), and always cared and loved for me like no other uncles (i have 5 uncles) and he was the dearest and closest to me. He still lived back home in India and we haven't been there in five years. My mother wanted to go to India during early-2nd week of May. She was missing it very much and wanted to see her family and everything. I couldn't go because I had summer classes starting in June and month of May, i wanted to spend by working to get some money and hang out with friends as much as possible.

I told her that I can't go with her because of that and that she could go alone if she wanted. She refused to because she wanted me to go back with her because she would've felt lonley throughout her trip without me. She begged me to go but I said I couldn't and we can probably go around Christmas time, and I insisted that she go alone. In the end, she ended up canceling her plans and didn't go.

Here is what I so feel guilty about. I feel that I stopped her from going to see her brother for one last time and that I didn't want to go for stupid reasons. I feel so guilty that I don't think I can ever forgive myself from her seeing her brother and my dear uncle. I should've gone with her and we would've seen him and we wouldn't have been this hurt because at least we got one last chance see him before he left us. Horrible thoughts have been running through my head ever since. What I wouldn't do to go back in time and agree to take that trip with her. How do I get over this? How can I forgive myself? Will this guilt ever go away?

And this isn't it. I have more problems. My friends. Right now, everybody is talking behind each others back, and guess who knows everything about everyone backstabbing and betraying each other..? ME!! Every body is against each other but they won't express that feeling to each other, yet they still talk bad things about each other and I have to end up hearing it. I've always been the friend you could be open with and I won't ever be judgemental. I'm lost...I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I should tell everyone about the problems that are going on. I can't continue on without knowing that person A doesn't like a certain trait/characteristic about person B and vice versa.

How do I get over feeling guilty about my uncle's death? Surely, I will never be able to celebrate my birthday with as much joy because in the back of my mind, I will remember that horrible day and how I came between my mother and my uncle from seeing each other. I will never forgive myself for that.

I feel like everything is falling apart with my friends. Only I know what's causing it and I know who is doing and saying what bad. I wish I didn't know any of this information. That is why I can't go talk openly about all this with my two friends I mentioned earlier. They are at each other's throat too, and if I tell them all this, there will be more chaos. But there is a chaos going on inside my head at this time. I'm probably going to go see that therapist sometime in a week or two if things are still bad.

Help me.

[Parker10]

I am sorry that things are so rough for you right now. I am sorry for the loss of your Uncle. However, his passing has nothing to do with you, you are not responsible. Your Mother is grown - she could have gone home to see family without you, that was her decision. You are not responsible for her decision. Sometimes in the grieving stage when you lose a loved one, the anger stage is really tough. It almost seems easier to focus on being angry with yourself - with the things you know NOW that you did not know before his death - than to move out of the anger stage to accepting he is gone (BUT never forgotten). I am sure your Mom would not want you feeling so guilty about your choice not to go with her. You were being a normal teen - you had things to do before school started again, and no one should fault you for wanting to do those things.

As for the situation with your friends, why not just tell each one that you like them and want to be their friend, but you would prefer not hearing negative things about your other friends from them? You should not have to carry this weight - they are putting you in a horrible situation. You really should speak up for yourself, no one likes being caught in the middle.

If you had reasons to think you might need to talk to a therapist - then I would definitely make an appointment. They will be able to help you understand the grieving process also.

Good luck - and welcome to PC !