lost and confused: help me

hello everyone! i am writing this because i am seeking advice. unfortunately i am one of the people who lacks the courage to carry out after making a big decision. The decision i have recently made is about my relationship. i have been with him about 4 years. the sad thing is we were planning to be engaged on our 4th anniversary which would be in Feb29. yes we started the relationship on the previous feb29 and this fourth anniversary would have been the most meaningful one of all as you might guess.
in this 4-year- relationship i had other shortterm breakups. actually breaking up on my side became a dynamic of the relationship; i usually break up with him immediately after i got angry with him. i think this goes back to my childhood where i was paid a lot of attention by my father (never from my mother) when i got angry with my parents (I slammed the doors and refused to talk with my parents until my father begged and persuaded me to make up) From the very beginning of the relationship my boyfriend acted like my father. i would get angry on even the smallest things and shut the phone on his face and anticipate for a make-up session where he would literally beg me for hours, even days to speak with him on good terms. and even after the make-up i would still occassionally bring the subject later. i always thought he understood this "game" and never panicked when i projected my ciriticisms on him and threatened him with breaking up. it turns out he never did and he always feared it was a real break-up. i really tortured him a lot of times.
then eventually he became insecure and angry and convinced that i did not love him for who he is. in our second year i had an accident, had to quit my phD and became psychologically even more instabile. this time i broke up with him much more seriously. i did not answer his calls for a month. our was a long distance relationship until i moved to the city which my parents are living in and which was really close to the city he was living in. i could not adapt to my new environment and realized i needed his support. i called him and told him i wanted to take my things back (which was actually a set up - i was never direct in my feelings) when i saw him i became really emotional and i told him i wanted to hug him. shockingly he said he could not do it and he started crying. it turns out during our break up he found someone else. i was literally parallyzed: he was the last person to do that! i immediately left the place. later gradually i realized how much i was lonely and how i deserved this end. i called him and asked for getting together once more. first he hesitated; he could not believe me. after some insightful conversations we were together. however i became the old "me" in a very short time and i tortured him for what he has done to me even though i was not innocent as well.
i know it seems like i am a monster. how i see it is even though i want to change this behaviour (treating him as if he is my father with his unconditional love) and i cannot change it. don't get me wrong i have tried changing it. and for some period i did. but whenever i become insecure about the circumstances i act like this as a defense mechanism.
a few months later i found a job in the city he was living in. i was not comfortable in my parents' house since i was accustomed to living alone. for the first six months i stayed at my aunt's place (she also lived in the city he was living in) and then i moved to an apartment on my own. Then our relationship became more stabile. but it did not last long because i became too much involved in my job and ignored him.
for the last 8 months we are having a lot of problems. he has changed a lot. he cannot stand fighting with me. our personalities differ a lot in that sense. i think i act like a drama queen. i starve for fight. though he has put up with my fights and make-up sessions for years he is more like the "i cannot sleep unless we make up" type. lately he avoids seeing me. he says he is tired of all this. when i break up with him he gets more angry. a month ago i break up with him for real. we have not seen each other since. we talk on the phone. but on sunday i asked him not to call me. he said "you are making impulsive decisions and you never live the moment. you always want to dominate and control everything including me" he is right to an extent but i feel like we have broken each others' hearts a lot and it is impossible to repair. 8 months ago i was more optimistic but now i don't feel we have made any improvements. i feel like we are two completely different people. on the other hand, i think i love him. i don't know what to do. please help me.

to me this sounds like one of those things where you think and think and think.... then you say the situation out loud and it all becomes clear. because, to me at least, the answer is clear. you said yourself you are 2 completely different people. and you obviously know that you have psychological issues that need to be dealt with whether it be by therapy or otherwise... but until you deal with the issues at hand, i see it hard for you to have a stable relationship.

and i really have a thing about people "thinking" that they love someone. if you think about it logically... love isn't really a feeling. if you feel it, chances are its lust. love is an action. and the way you said you acted towards him, is not love in any sense. love is being there for someone, helping them grow as a person etc... and if all you do is play games, thats the opposite. love is a decision you make, not a feeling.

its natural to not forget about someone, especially when you were with them for that long. but just because you miss him or think about him does not mean you love him. it means he was your security blanket after you didn't have your dad around anymore. most people give up those blankets after so long but for some reason or another, some people just hold on to them.

i feel like i went through the same thing as you, only not so drawn out or dramatic. mine was more just blah i guess. but i would jump from guy to guy, never being single longer than a couple weeks after the age of probably 15. i never had a chance to be by myself and explor myself. so i made it a point to stay single for a few months. dated around, but never anything serious. i discovered a lot about myself that has helped me in my current relationship. i know its hard to do these things cold turkey, but it sounds to me like you need to discover your own independence and not rely on people to lift you back up when youre down. in your life, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. people are always going to let you down. and if you don't realize that, youll never be happy in a relationship.

sounds like your dad was wonderful growing up but now its inhibiting your ability to grow up yourself. sounds like you have very high expectations of people and the littlest thing brings them down off that pedastle. i felt the same way as you and its been over 2 years and im not even all the way better. i still fall into those insecurities like you said. so don't expect an overnight fix; its going to take some time.

and if you ever need to talk, you can PM me. hope this helped.

I would find a therapist and work on changing your behaviors relative to your father that you know are causing you pain. I'd wait a bit before I contacted this poor guy again to restart the relationship.