As the Days Darken

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you pop up at the nicest times . Yes, that is what I had done.....one I had before though went through my arm, so silly me thought it would be the same........wasn't anticipating through the spinal column.

The support and concern mean a great deal - it keeps me going, so ty.

Hope you are doing okay as well. Pop up more often - lol.

Went to see my T today - explained to him why I was upset with him. He's so good to me most of the time [sigh]. He is going to try to write more informally to me and I'm supposed to let him know how that works......lol.

He explored my mind a little too much today - a million red flags and bombs went off in my head - caused me to cry all the way home and end up with a headache (at least it wasn't from the test).

It reminded me of dominoes - he pushed and they all fell. When I was leaving, he asked me if I would be alright....I said I'd be fine, and then he called me and asked me again - to which I replied with the truth, and said "no". But I did tell him I would stay together tonight, but that I knew once I returned to my hotel and I was alone, the thoughts and voices would have a field day. All the way home, those stupid voices drove me crazy and I couldn't shut them up.

His assessment, which made sense, provoked such a need for darkness - to shut up the voices, to quiet the pain, to have a break from playing the "I'm fine" game with the world.......I am so far away from my T up there, that I feel like I am on an island all alone.

The voices are quiet now, I think the migraine has silenced them for the night.

And oh what fun - back to work tomorrow.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to all}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I probably would have tried to watch, and then passed out or something. If I even have to have blood drawn I get queasy. Haven't been to a doctor for anything in 5 and a half years. I don't like doctors. The last time, he made me promise to go in for annual exams, but I never planned on keeping that promise. It doesn't count if it's under duress, right?

You never told us how your back got injured in the first place. I don't know if you feel like sharing that though.

How did it go with your T today?

Remember I always care about you and I always worry about you, and we're always just a keyboard away.

Wendy


<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

Oops, I was too slow and you answered my question before I got it posted.

I know how you feel being too far away from your T. My T's e-mail isn't working and I feel cut off. Then I feel like such a nut for letting that bother me. I keep trying to send the same message over and over, and it's not even about something particularly important, but I hate not being able to reach him. It's not as bad as when I lose my whole internet connection though.

Would it help when you go back to work or when the voices won't leave you alone to picture all of your friends here thinking of you and chasing those voices away?



<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

Wendy, you are awesome!

Back in 90 I slipped and fell in a dept. store - they had just waxed the floor and there was no sign out. I went down and hit my tail bone. What happened was my tail bone started curving inward and began pushing on the nerves. I lost feeling in my hands and legs quite often.

Did the chiropratic (sp) route, and it didn't work. Ended up with a fusion - unfortunately the doctor who did it was an idiot and left bone fragments floating in my back.

In 1996, I had migraines, numbness, etc. and they discovered what had happened. New hospital, btw.......the same one, same doc that did this latest one. That was the major surgery...took 13 hours to do. I had to learn how to walk all over again and on the 5th day, they took xrays and told me that one of the metal cages had shifted - it was too close to my artery.

They were afraid that if they didn't go back in, it would move more and cut into the artery. I would bleed to death internally before I got back to the hospital. So.......they went back in, this time through the front. Took 10 hours this time. Again, had to have physical therapy. Was in the hospital for 10 days. Alex was only 8 months old at the time.

After one month (my doc wanted 3 months off), I went back to work. I had basically ignored his instructions on amount of hours I should work - he wanted 40 or less, in management it is 50+, and no heavy lifting. By the 3rd year after surgery, I was unloading trucks at my restaurant.

This past April is when they discovered the double fracture of my spine, right above the fusion. All the work I had done had caused too much stress on my spinal column and it cracked on both sides. My doc had to go up another section of my spine and fuse it with more titanium. As he goes up, I lose more mobility and in the winter (or extreme cold, like when I was in my freezers), the cold gets into my back and the titanium absorbs it and causes me lots of pain......makes me stiff.

Today it has been 8 weeks since surgery, and I've been back at work for two weeks. [sigh] It definitely is not taking care of me like I should. By the time I had decided on this past surgery, the migraines were back and picking up a loaf of bread was next to impossible most of the time. This is the reason I have applied for disability. At the rate I am going, I will have to have another section fused in about 2 years - this time will be the thoracic section, right where my ribcage is. If it continues, I could end up with next to nothing mobility wise.

Yes, my body is a mess.....lol. I know you care and I count on that when I feel horrible. Just remember, the feeling is mutual, ok?

xoxo

Mary Alice....I wish you would take care of yourself!!! Ok, no lectures.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
I would have never watched them put that needle in!!! UGH!
Your a brave girl!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ty

Bills have to be paid unfortunately.......lol. On my way back to my hotel by this afternoon for work.

Take care.

Mary Alice

you are welcome.
I will rememer to hug you when I reply ok..

{{{{{{{{ hugs hugs hugs }}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

oops wriong person to click on..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

So, your physical problems are a direct result of other people's errors, it sounds like. Did you get any compensation for that? Nothing could make up for what it is doing to your life, but who at least pays for your medical bills?

You really got a rotten deal. I wish that you didn't have all that and the physical pain to have to live with. It does sound like you are able to do more after the latest surgery than you could before. Has it helped even a little?

Yes, I know that you care and count on that too. Don't ever forget - you are important to me.

xoxxox

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

The first surgery was taken care of by the dept. store. The rest has been my problem.

I am doing more this time because I have to....last time we had help financially from my husband's brother-in-law, esp. since Alex was just a baby. I didn't have to overdo like I am now.

The migraines are gone, thank goodness. I am on enough pain killers that I manage and the medication for my leg enables me to walk.....without it, I know that my leg would be in a great deal of pain and I could not walk.

There are times when I can barely move, let alone get up and keep moving, but up I get......lol.

I was supposed to go to work today, but instead found out that my mom had fallen from a ladder yesterday and was badly hurt. She wasn't even going to tell me about it [sigh].

I called my boss and explained and took off without letting my parents know that I was coming........long story, but I knew better than to tell them. Took me 2 hours to get there and I got in trouble for coming, but my mom is 76 and has glaucoma. She is so fragile and barely weighs 100 lbs.

Her poor leg is all cut up and bruised.....her shoulder and ribs are also. Seems the ladder fell on her after she hit the floor and she couldn't move. My dad was not home and eventually she was able to crawl to the door when he did get home.

She refused to go have any xrays and she can't walk or stand up. She crawls around to get from one place to another - my dad is in no shape to carry her. All she can do is sit in a chair and my dad has to help her get into one.

It's not good - I was scared to death when she told me today on the phone. I wish I could have stayed, but my mom would barely let me help her this afternoon/evening. I'm worried how they are going to get thru this. Plus she has to have drops in her eyes 3 times a day because the glaucoma is trying to make her go blind. Every few months she has to go for treatments where they insert needles behind her eyes to relieve the pressure that builds up.

I need more meds........and stronger ones.

I'm so sorry about your Mom's fall, ((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))... Am including her in my prayers! XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Hi Mary Alice,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's fall, too. As much as she doesn't want to see the doctor - it sounds to me like she'd benefit from a doctor's visit. Can they have a visiting nurse or something for awhile?

Take care,
ErinBear

Your poor mom. It sounds like she got hurt pretty bad. Hope she wll get to a doc and get checked out.
Glad your migranes are getting better. And I am sorry you are in so much pain.
I am proud of you Mary Alice. Despite all that life is throwing at you, you are doing your best.
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Thanks Peanut, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Hi Erin,

My parents are THE most stubborn people in the world, and very antisocial on top of it. They had their doorbell disconnected so they wouldn't be bothered....[sigh]. All I can do is keep calling everyday in between work and see how she is doing.

It's like talking to the wall......lol.

{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]

Seems like I'm always chasing my tail, doesn't it? lol.

Ty.....I'm still afloat for now.

Mary Alice,

I'm sorry about your mother's fall. She won't go to a doctor? I know you can only do so much, especially since she won't let you help her. Where was your father? He doesn't insist that she go to a doctor? Something needs to happen so that she doesn't have to crawl around like that. Have you thought about calling adult protective services? You could leave an anonymous tip. Self-neglect is a problem under the category of elder abuse. While your parents apparently don't want to ask for help and I would guess they would not be happy about intervention, she needs to be treated for her injuries and have the dignity of mobility aids. Maybe she doesn't want a wheel chair, but it's better than having to crawl.

I think I see where you get your strength and determination from. Maybe it can be misguided, but I do have to admire it anyway.

{{{{{{{{{hugs to all of you}}}}}}}}}}}

Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} no she won't go, not even for xrays. My dad was out running errands and that's when she got up on the ladder with the curtains. She likes to hang them up right from the washing machine so they are still sort of wet, makes them straighter or whatever. I'm sure that the weight helped in creating the fall.

My parents are different - nice way of saying it. I could call anyone I wanted, and they'd never answer the door - then they would cut me out of their lives for interfering. I'm not saying that it makes any sense to you - I know the rules by which I grew up.

Yes, anything would be better than crawling. It made me feel so helpless to watch her, but my father supports her decision not to go, esp. since she can move her shoulder and arm. I think an xray is in order, but that doesn't matter.

My mom raised me to never have the kind of life she has with my dad - I couldn't live like that......so now I have just created my own hole. If the situation was reversed, like when I was in the hospital, they would not come to me, unless maybe I was dying. Anyway, I have learned to know where I stand and not cross the line.

Thanks for caring. xoxoxo

((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))

sorry you didn't sleep well -- I know how hard that can be. I hope you can get some better sleep tonight.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear