[Elana05]

Have you ever been so unsure of yourself?
I am unsure of myself on several fronts.

First, my therapist is retiring. I wish she weren't. She gave me the name of someone else she was sure would work for me. I just went today... but the fit didn't seem right.
Here is where I usually go on intuition. My intuition is very strong.
First of all the office where the new T is, is grimy. Everything is dirty and worn and it smells mildewed (basement office). Even the bathroom doorknob was broken. It just bothered me. Am I being picky? The T seems ok. But she is very quiet and soft-spoken. I feel like I am at a time in my life where I need someone louder and more forceful. I know one can be forceful and soft spoken but... again just my intuition.
I know I should go back a second time, just to verify... to give this new T a second chance, but I don't want to. I want to cancel my second appointment and just find someone else. Am I being to quick to judge? (I know my current T would say yes). I know that no T is perfect and things always need to be worked out. Mostly, the environment bothers me. I mean, I can't tell her to change her office. Sigh.

Second. I have a very old friend who is kind of driving me nuts.
Every time we get together she seems on edge, or very over-tired. I know she is battling depression. She is on meds but I think maybe her current dose or mix of meds may even be adding to her sleep problems. And she won't go ask her pdoc about it. She hardly sleeps at night but rather during the day mostly. Lately she has been even more wrapped up in herself and her problems. I know everyone has problems so that isn't the issue. The issue is that she is refusing to get any help. I keep asking her if she will go to the doctor or find a new therapist but she says she's tired of therapy and just doesn't want to right now. In the meantime I know she is suffering because of it and she is doing little, self-harming things, or self-involved things that I can't do anything about and just make me feel mad or worried. I just can't help her anymore and any time I spend with her I spend feeling annoyed, aggravated, or hurt or extremely disappointed that she is not taking better care of herself. She has excuse upon excuse. But the one that really throws me over the top is that she has to live the high life. She doesn't want to change because she likes the way she is living right now because she is able to buy the fancy stuff she wants! We're talking brand name shoes and designer bags. What an odd priority. Is this a reason to neglect yourself? Ugh.
She called me last night and asked if I wanted to hang out. This is the second time she has called. I know I should confront her but I don't know how... and I don't even know if I'm right in doing so.

It's like I have this very strong intuition. But I also don't trust myself.

Thanks for reading my long rambling post.

E

[owen2110]

You have to be 100% comfortable with your Therapist so you can be open and get the most out of the sessions.

[Onward2wards]

1. I agree intuition can be a very useful tool ... as long as negative emotions and thinking don't cloud it. I'd be inclined to give this new T a second chance but make it a priority to determine if her approach will be a good fit for you. Extend your antennae, so to speak. I imagine some Ts use an exaggerated soft voice and approach to soothe clients' anxieties, but it may be her natural way of communicating. If she uses a supportive but not very goal-oriented approach and that's not a good fit for you, speak up about that. State your therapeutic hopes and expectations clearly, and see how she responds. That will clarify things for both of you.
2. Regarding your friend, perhaps living the high life is an anchor for her that helps keep feelings of depression and low self-worth a little more tolerable. I'm not glorifying it, just making an observation. She's wrapped up in her own thinking, so obviously doing that endless rumination process.
At some point you'll have to either keep on avoiding her, or call her out on what's going on. The latter course, if handled with compassion for how she must be feeling right now, seems like the better one to me.
3. Intuitive yet not trusting yourself ... I can relate to that. Possibly it is the fear of making a mistake and thinking of oneself as an error-prone person that does this. What I am learning to do is recognize that sooner or later, you just have to take action, make a decision and stick with it. If it's the wrong course, there's always the potential for learning and therefore making better decisions down the line. It's no good to remain stuck in neutral preparing to decide or take action for too long, that only adds to anxiety, I find.

[Perna]

I don't think not liking mildewed offices in rundown buildings has much to do with intuition; I don't know anyone who would like that.

I remember when my T went back to "her" group building (we'd been meeting in another town in someone else's practice/building/office) and it was an old, rundown building that reminded me of the apartment building where I was born in the early 1950's. I mentioned this to my T and how "sleazy" and rundown it seemed and we discussed it and learned a great deal about how I make judgments and why and what I liked/disliked and, as she pointed out, she didn't particularly like the building/office but it was affordable and a place to meet, etc. Are you going to see a T or their office?

Reminds me a little bit of what worries you about your friend with her wanting the designer things? You want a designer office or a T that can help you at a price you can afford, even though it's a rundown, smelly office?

I would go see this T again and tell her what you have told us, that the smell of mildew, and dirty rundownedness bothers you and that you feel you would like a "loud/forceful" T, does she think she could be that kind of T? I think you'll have an interesting conversation about all that.

Maybe if you want to help your friend a little more in your own fashion; occasionally ask her to hang out with you (at the place of your choosing)? Don't participate in things she does that you don't like? It doesn't sound like she has interests and goals similar to yours so I wonder if you want to be friends anymore or just want the grain of sand in your oyster self helping make a pearl? In other words, why do you want to help this particular person if they don't do anything you approve of/enjoy?

Leave your intuition alone, it's fine. Listen to it but remember that it's only ONE of many streams of information coming in for you to use in making decisions. It led you to post here and get more input to "balance" what you were thinking and feeling and that's excellent; that's what it's for. It looks like it's working well to me!

[sane1logic1]

If when giving the new T feedback about your appointments you keep it specific anfd concrete, rather than draw conclusions from it, e.g saying what a pity the doorknob is broken, and that due to the way your hearing works you would like her to speak loudly to you, that may help her avoid misinterpretations.

People are so varied.

About the friend, I suggest you set yourself a rough timetable to see her and say that you only have time to meet her once every couple of months or even better, tell yourself that but don't tell her in those terms. Her meds and therapy are her affair, if you lose interest in her you can draw your own conclusions about how often to see her.