[garden gal]

I am in a partial hospitalization program after I completely crashed into an acute depressive episode a couple of weeks ago. I'm working really hard on issues like grief and shame (and shame ABOUT grieving... I've never been one to make things simple.) It is exhausting, but helpful. I saw absolutely no hope for myself a week ago, and I now have just a glimmer of hope... not much, but it is now like having a candle in a darkened room, instead of being in total darkness. It makes a big difference. I'm continuing to have frustrations with meds. I started a tricyclic antidepressant last week, and yesterday I started having some horrendous side effects (that trust me, you don't want me to go into here!) I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay on the medication... and I've been on so many, there's not a whole lot left to try. I suppose that all I can do is trust that we'll figure out something. But, overall, I'm grateful to be feeing just the teensiest bit better.

[gelfling]

glad to hear your program is working for you - albeit exhausting - shame is the worst, isnt it?

keep up the good work, even though it is hard -

as far as the meds go - sometimes the side effects are temporary - talk to your pdoc about it.....

[Elana05]

Garden Gal,

Sending good thoughts your way. Switching meds around is not easy. Hang in there. Have you ever seen any help from Effexor? Just wondering... I wish I could send you a big bouquet with all of your favorite flowers. But if you can imagine the largest, most beautiful bouquet then that is the one for you... here it is.

Keep taking care of you.

E

[garden gal]

Hard day today in the partial hospital. Our regular therapist was gone, and the guy who was filling in for her was pretty awful. He had never met me before, but made lots of assumptions about me and said some pretty unkind things. (Apparantly I'm "completely out of touch with my emotions," "wearing a mask", I "like being stuck" in different areas of my life and "don't really want to change", and he said that he was "going to call me on my bullsh*t")

I'm an introvert and process things slowly, so I was feeling hurt and annoyed during the group session, but it didn't really sink in until later how hurt I was. I ended up crying for 2 hours straight, came home and went to bed for a while, and then got up and am crying again. I'm feeling really vulnerable these days... I came into the group with an open and trusting attitude, and now I feel hurt, judged, and misunderstood. Our regular therapist will be back tomorrow, so maybe I can process this a little then. I'm also thinking of writing up a complaint, and finding a way to put into words what made this therapist's actions so unhelpful. I'd be open to any thoughts people have about this... and could use a virtual "hug" right now.

garden gal

[Elana05]

Geez, Garden Gal, who is this guy? How was he allowed to get a job??
I still feel stung reading about the tactlessness of this person. This sounds like such a power play. I'm sure would have reacted the same way.

Only right now I would like to have a good yell at this guy!
I also feel very sensitive myself to this, "don't really want to change" line. Are you kidding me??? Argggg!!!!!!
I hope you'll you be able to voice your anger to someone there.

Oh garden gal... Here is a very, very big hug for you.

Just write this guy off and don't let a bad apple spoil the bunch. Maybe he was trying to accomplish something by getting an "angry" reaction out of the group? Maybe he was seeking to have you or others stand up and yell? Who knows.

Stay centered.
You are valuable. You are brave. You are terrific. You are healing. And you are working very hard to see the light. He cannot take that away from you by any means.

E

[garden gal]

Elana05,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I was able to process what happened with my group, our regular therapist, and my psychiatrist, all of whom were very kind and supportive. My usually mild-mannered psychiatrist actually seemed to get pretty angry on my behalf and said she would talk to some people about it. I also wrote a letter to the program manager... it felt good for me to be able to calmly and reasonably write about what happened, my reaction to it, and why the experience wasn't helpful. Anyway, yesterday was really hard, but I'm emotionally in a better place with it today.
Thanks again for your kindness.

garden gal