[Kyrene3]

I've been living with my fiance for two years now, we were going out for a year before that, and joint at the hip as friends for a year before that. Sunday night I found out that he had been hiding a really big secret from me.

For the past few months I'd been worrying about his drinking. I'm a child of a family where alcoholism is an issue, alcohol making me very uncomfortable to be around. He is also the child of a similar family so his drinking worried me. I recently found out he's been incredibly depressed, and the according to him the only reason he hasn't tried to kill himself is because he feels guilty about how it would affect me. For the past few months he's actually spent his days drinking, including at work.

I encouraged him to seek help, and to especially speak to his mother since she had alcoholism issues in the past, or to his brother who is his best friend. He refused both. I also encouraged him to get help but for someone whose studying psychiatry he doesn't believe in it for himself, especially not medication. He's a very proud man who puts way too much responsibility on himself, and responds very badly when everything goes wrong. He's a full time graduate student and he also works full time, and refuses to put less on himself. Is actually planning on joining a gym which I think would just put more on himself.

I don't know what to do. The alcoholism I have a better idea with. We have unopened bottles that he won't get rid of because they were presents, I check every morning to make sure they haven't been touched and rearrange them so that he knows I'm looking. But his birthday is coming up and I don't know if he's planning on drinking casually, which I don't think is a good idea.

And I'm having trouble talking to him because he's acting like he never told me in the first place (he was also drunk that night so I don't even know if he remembers). He keeps trying to come up with plans so he'll stop "moping" but it's obviously a lot more serious than that. I don't know what to say to him to get through to him, and I have a feeling I'm going to end up going to his parents or brother myself since now all I can imagine is coming home to him very dead and it's freaking me.

He's a wonderful man and I adore him but I refuse to marry someone whose just going to grow up to be like my dad is.

[owen2110]

Sorry you are in such a situation......hopefully you can talk hi into getting the help he needs.

[SophiaG]

well either:

1) He doesnt want to admit he has a problem

or

2) He realizes the mental health system is a joke.

I"m not sure which one it is for your fiance.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Kyrene3!

Originally Posted by Kyrene3

I also encouraged him to get help but for someone whose studying psychiatry he doesn't believe in it for himself, especially not medication.

Apparently, alcohol IS his medication.

Originally Posted by Kyrene3

...I refuse to marry someone whose just going to grow up to be like my dad is.

Good for you! I applaud your attitude.

I sincerely hope you and he together can find ways to save him and your relationship. Ultimately, though -- and this is just my opinion, if he refuses to accept help, you are not obligated to "cure" him.

PsychCentral Article: Alcohol and Depression
PC Article: Why Alcohol and Depression Don't Mix
PC Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum