[WikidPissah]

This summer has really gone into the crapper. The depression is bad, really bad. I don't give a crap about anything. Empty, lonely, hauled up in my room. I am not taking responsibility for myself, or my family, or my dog, or my household duties. To top it off I have had an earache for over a week and it's moved into my throat. I hate my primary care, and not going to call. I'd have to get dressed to get it checked out and I sure as hell don't want to go thru that. So I'm in pain. Voices are loud and abusive, as usual. Can't call my new T...he doesn't know me yet, I haven't been honest with him about the depression, nor have I brought up the voices yet. Pdoc increased my lamictal last week...so calling him will do no good either. I feel like such a freakin looser. I keep yelling at myself to get up and do something, use skills, self soothe...SOMETHING. Yet I still just lie here the disgusting lazy person that I am, letting it all cave in on me. stupid, stupid looser *****...good for nothing piece of crap.

[Elana05]

Eileen2010,

Tell those voices to CAN it.
You need to take care of you right now... out of a place of self-care. This is what you deserve. You deserve love.
Those negative voices are the depression talking.
I urge you to pick up that phone and simply call your new T and be totally honest. Tell him exactly how you are feeling.
(Anyway, this is his job).
YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER. Please be gentle with yourself. Find that small place within yourself to let go of the constant attacking. Would you allow this kind of attack to go on toward anyone else here at PC? It is not meant for you either. Take a deep breath, let it go and call your T, that is what they are there for.

E

I second what Elana said. Is there any way to quieten the voices? I find loud music helps drown them out when they are being particularly mean. It's never easy to bring stuff up with a new person, but I think T really needs to know about them in order to fully help.

Sending lots of Take care

*Willow*

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Eileen2010,

Would you allow this kind of attack to go on toward anyone else here at PC? It is not meant for you either. Take a deep breath, let it go and call your T, that is what they are there for.

You're right, I would never let anyone else be harassed like this. I guess I'm just tired of fighting. I want to give in, give up, get out. sigh.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

It's never easy to bring stuff up with a new person, but I think T really needs to know about them in order to fully help.

yea, I have only seen this new T like 3 times. I had my last T for almost 2 yrs, and I never called him in crisis either...I spent 2 years listening, no talking. I wanted to start different this time around. I told the new T up front that I was a non-talker, and I really needed help with that more then anything. We did a treatment plan, I signed it...it didn't say anything about depression and voices, so I don't think I can say anything about those...I think I'm glued into the social anxiety and shyness and thats it. Plus I don't want to be a PITA. I don't want him to think I'm going to be a problem....even though I am.

Ugh....this is so not worth the battle.

[WikidPissah]

I don't understand how I can be so depressed and so anxious at the same time. It doesn't make sense. I wish I could cry or something, but I won't...I haven't cried in at least 10 yrs.

But I am pushing myself today. I hit the gym already, did a couple miles on the elliptical, worked really hard on the weights. At least now I don't feel like a lazy piece of crap...I did something.

My ear is pounding and the whole side of my face hurts, and my other ear is now joining it. I'm probably going to have to see my primary on Monday....I really hate him. He always says "it's probably your mental illness". He won't ever give me anything for pain...even though I have never had substance abuse problems. Last year I tore my rotator cuff in a car accident and he wouldn't even send me for an mri or xray. By the time he referred me out there was so much damage i had to have surgery. I can't switch primaries until Nov because of my insurance.

Sorry I'm going on and on about this. Just have no one to talk to right now. But I went to the gym....that's good right?

[Mrhomercat]

I know how you feel, I wasted 7 years of my life doing this same routine, get up, go to work, avoid as many people as possible, come home, watch TV and stew about why I can't have a life. Unfortunately, it took till I was homeless to take any action to try to remedy my situation. I sense anger, I know it's anger directed toward yourself, I know how inadequate and insignificant you feel, I feel the same, I know your pain. Don't give in to it, keep fighting, keep posting on PC, come visit me anytime you want to vent or unload. I wish you wellness and serenity.

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I have only seen this new T like 3 times. I had my last T for almost 2 yrs, and I never called him in crisis either...I spent 2 years listening, no talking. I wanted to start different this time around. I told the new T up front that I was a non-talker, and I really needed help with that more then anything. We did a treatment plan, I signed it...it didn't say anything about depression and voices, so I don't think I can say anything about those...I think I'm glued into the social anxiety and shyness and thats it. Plus I don't want to be a PITA. I don't want him to think I'm going to be a problem....even though I am.

It is unusual for a patient to have just depression or just anxiety, the 2 usually go hand in hand so I can't see your T being surprised about you having other diagnoses. My T signed up for short-term counselling for a depressed student - can't imagine she expected me to be still bugging her severely depressed 3yrs later! It's part of their job. I'm sure if we knew that we'd be 'cured' by such and such date it'd be easier to wait it out, but life doesn't work like that and Ts & Drs know this!

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

But I am pushing myself today. I hit the gym already, did a couple miles on the elliptical, worked really hard on the weights. At least now I don't feel like a lazy piece of crap...I did something.

Good job! Though I am concerned that the gym was a way of punishing yourself for perceived 'laziness' - do you always work out so hard? I rarely go to the gym cos I hate exercise, but when I do it's as a form of self-punishment.

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

My ear is pounding and the whole side of my face hurts, and my other ear is now joining it. I'm probably going to have to see my primary on Monday....I really hate him. He always says "it's probably your mental illness". He won't ever give me anything for pain...even though I have never had substance abuse problems. Last year I tore my rotator cuff in a car accident and he wouldn't even send me for an mri or xray. By the time he referred me out there was so much damage i had to have surgery. I can't switch primaries until Nov because of my insurance.

I would def switch Drs when u can but, if he blames it all on depression, ask him to cite his sources - I personally would LOVE to hear about a link between depression and phantom ear infections! He can't expect patients never to get ill just cos they've got depression. In fact I would expect depression to lower our immunity and in fact increase our susceptibility to infections. And I would point out his negligence with your shoulder if he fails to take you seriously this time; that should give him a kick up the rear!!

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Sorry I'm going on and on about this. Just have no one to talk to right now.

This is what PC is for! I'm sorry you have no-one IRL to talk to, but feel free to write away. There's always someone around to listen

*Willow*

[WikidPissah]

Well, I have my weekly T appointment tomorrow. This will be our 4th session. I really want him to know how badly I feel. I need someone to hear it. I keep thinking about walking in and when he says "how was your week" I reply, "******". But I know the polite little politicians daughter will just say "fine, how was yours?" I hate that girl. *sigh* If only....

On a positive note...I found a full bottle of antibiotics over the weekend and started taking them. My ear is starting to feel better

[owen2110]

Good luck at your appointment!!

If you feel ****** than you should reply that you feel ****** - that's what your T is there for!!

[WikidPissah]

Had an overload of misc. crap drop down on me this morning. By the time my T appt. came I was "over the top" stressed, and anxiety so bad I was dizzy. So I finally did it...he asked the usual "how are you doing"...I hesitated, faltered, looked at the floor, the ceiling..."um, uh, ah...." then I just said it, albeit politely.."I'm wicked off" (in New England language that means bad). Thus opened a discussion of today's crap and how friggin depressed I've been. He asked me what my coping mechanisms have been. Again, sweating, hesitating, wringing my hands, mumbling nonsense....then he asked if I SI. I just shook my head. And you know what? He said that that doesn't freak him out. He didn't even lecture me about it!!! I think I like this guy.