[PerpetuallySadDolly]

All my life, I've been dealing with this constant pain and sadness in my heart.

I can remember as far back as 4 year old, I was sitting in the corner, I had stopped playing with my barbies for a while and I started to feel extremely sad. I even remember screaming that, I wish I was dead.

Things in my life have not been easy through out the years. and now I am at a point where, enough is enough. I want it to end. I want the pain to fade. I constantly have nightmares. Some nights I force myself to not sleep because of them.

Things that people want and look foward to like, family and friends and having children. They Do nothing for me. I still honestly believe they can survive and be ok if i was not here.

When I was 13 I was raped by an older man and I got pregnant.
I love my daughter, even though she is a constant reminder of the pain, humilation, and stress of that whole deal. But I am sick of her seeing me so misreable. I believe she might be better off if I was just not in her life at all.

I need help, I have tried medication but it did not help. I have even tried finding God or something, but God never spoke to me I guess.

I just need some advice. I don't know what else to say... I am just, misreable.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, PerpetuallySadDolly!

• Childhood depression
• Violent trauma
• Imposed parenthood while yet a young teenager

That's certainly a recipe for significant personal misery. And medications (so far?) have failed to give you relief.

How "safe" do you feel? Are you in immediate danger of possibly doing yourself harm? If so, please call for crisis help. You are far more important than anything you are feeling.

As you look around PsychCentral you'll encounter all sorts of experiences and advice. I hope some of it speaks to you.

[SophiaG]

This certainly doesnt sound like situational depression to me if your first memory of being depressed was at 4 years of age.