[tryingtobeme]

Why do I try and take responsiblity for someone else when they are the ones that did it to themselves. I understand people have issues, mental, physical, but why do I have to take the blame for that person in that situation. I always feel like it is my fault that they are hurting when what the are feeling or not feeling is because of what they did.

Does anyone understand what I am asking? maybe I am the only one?

Ugh...it is so taxing to be this person. Maybe if I would stop I wouldn't be so overwhelemed and exhausted as much as what I am????

[Travelinglady]

Would you give a more specific example of what you mean, please, tryingtobeme?

I used to take the blame for things that weren't really my fault--like, I'd recommend a restaurant, and then a person would have a bad experience there, and I would feel very guilty and low. I think it was a self-esteem issue with me. After all, now I know that people have different tastes in things and all restaurants goof up once in a while.

If you would tell me a bit more, then maybe I could offer some suggestions. You are obviously a caring person. It is possible to take on too many of other people's problems, as you say, and that can be very draining. Therapists, I know, try to leave their patients at work, for example....

[SophiaG]

By not allowing people to take responsibility for their own actions you are enabling them. taking responsibility is a large part of what allows adults to be...well...adults.

[blueoctober]

I have struggled with this tryingtobeme; and for me it's because I'm highly sensitive and can feel when someone is unwell and/or struggling. To alleviate those feelings I try to "fix" things for the other person. This leaves me feeling drained and normally doesn't result in the other person doing better, so it's a never ending cycle. I have gotten better at recognizing my behaviour and a therapist pointed out that I over function with others. For me this is a function of not feeling good enough about myself, so I try to compensate for this. This just reinforces that I'm "not good enough" because I feel used by others.

The first step to changing a behaviour is recognizing it. You have done this. Now the next step is to work on changing your behaviour. Hope that helps.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Would you give a more specific example of what you mean, please, tryingtobeme?

Hi Payne1. Basically since a freind of mine is not well (you can read the details under Sanctuary and Support Forum) I feel that if I had done more for her then she wouldn't be in this mess. I feel I am responsible for her being the way she is.

[englishteacher]

tryingtobe - It isn't your fault that your friend is ill, and you are not responsible for his or her well-being, but YES, I know exactly what you mean. I frequently suffer from feeling bad because I "should" do more for someone. It's taken me many years to recognize what I am doing to myself, and sometimes I still can't stop. It is often a question of expectations. Does this person expect you to do things for them or help them? Or are you making those expectations in your own mind? Even the person expects you to do something, that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to - remember that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost and don't beat yourself up when you can't be Superwoman/man!

[Perna]

Actually, I think we concentrate on others because we are unconsciously afraid if we didn't have them as our focus, that would just leave us and our own problems to think about

We can't really take the blame or "be" the other person's life, we can only imagine that is what is happening. If someone else is unhappy; my feeling like it is my fault is still just my feeling, not the reality of what happened. We can't know or control what someone else feels; they can't either! We feel what we feel; feelings are just information for us about how we are perceiving ourselves and others, not something to "control". If I feel like I am at fault in another's life, that's just me doing a number on myself, not helping/hurting the other person.

I use feelings that don't "fit" like that, to check my own heart and see what's really wrong inside me. When I get road rage, for example, that isn't like me so I know I'm angry because I'm frightened or feeling helpless about something else in my life. I look at my day and realize my coworker's breast cancer is making me anxious; I am very fond of her and there's nothing I can do to make that situation better; "Life" is in there doing its thing and it's not in my control. When I look and realize that, the anger/road rage disappears and I can think of ways to comfort myself instead of projecting my fears outward.

When I'm feeling depressed, for me, it is another case of feeling stuck and like I can't help myself. I'm usually worried too, I'm getting older, my husband is getting older, eventually bad things have to happen! Both of us are morbidly obese and our health is showing chronic wear and tear as a result. I don't work anymore and feel like I'm kind of on the sidelines; other people/the news concentrates on jobs, the economy, families, etc. and those have pretty much passed me by. I dropped out of graduate school because there wasn't any "point" in getting a graduate degree; it's not like I need to get a job (or even could get a job at my age). I've tried 8,472 different "hobbies"/interests in my long life and have pretty much run out of new things to try to interest myself with? You can imagine the problem.

So, what am I likely to do? Come online, spend time on the computer, post at sites and forums like this one. Look away from my problem toward "busyness". I own three websites, 8-10 active email accounts. I don't have to worry about money, I live in a wonderful small house on the water, my husband and I own a boat and an RV, I have my own car. I pay no attention to the cost of food (just totaled up a month's grocery bills for the two of us and it came to nearly $1,000) and we ate out at restaurants (I don't do fast food) an average of twice a week last month with an average bill of $43. I have "nothing" to be depressed about?

I need to turn around and look at myself, feel my feelings and "deal" with them. I need to spend more time in my physical world, meeting and talking with people also struggling, as we all are. I need to spend less time online, sitting in this chair, "thinking" about Life, instead of living it. It's the thinking that generates "wrong" feelings. If one is doing something, one has to concentrate on the doing but if one if thinking, is writing or working online, playing on Facebook, not engaging, face-to-face with Life.

Trying, I bet you take on the blame of others' failures, in your head? Next time you catch yourself doing that, rethink and work on the actual problem instead of just "stopping" with, "It's all my fault". I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes? "Fix the problem, not the blame." If you "want" to take the blame, go ahead, but also work on the problem. If it's not your problem, if you literally can't help fix it, then deny yourself the blame? Because we can all work on our own problems, why? Because they're ours! But we can't work on someone else's self-esteem or failures because they're not ours. Work at thinking backwards when you want to take on blame; first see if you can fix the problem and, if you can't, then it's not yours and you don't "get" the blame either. If a child fails a test, it's not the parent's fault for not studying! You can't "make" another person do what you think is right; it's not your life for the doing; you can only "do" in your own life.