[Music Rules Me]

Yes, I am a sight for sore eyes.
I'm still incredibly stuck. No job, sucky grades, gotta apply for uni, still in this dark empty lonely place.

And now everything is even worse because I have someone who really loves me. Surely that should make everything better, but it really doesnt. Why? Well heres a list:
- I feel that he deserves a much better girlfriend than a selfish down one like me.
- My guilt is even worse, expecially when I self harm.
- Because he knows everything about my emotions and stuff, he's constantly worrying about me, which just isnt fair on him.

I hate this so much.
I even admitted to him that I want to just get rid of my life. But no longer in a suicide attempt, because I know how much damage both emotionally and financially it would do to my family. Instead, Ive been dreaming of running away.
It's been very hard to stop myself from getting on trains and busses to either somewhere really far away, or somewhere big like London where I'd never be found.

I would withdraw all my money, pack a bag with some clothes and some food in and take all of my most expensive things to sell.
I would destroy my phone, my forms of id, everything that could connect me to my past (except my clothing) and never go back.

It would be so easy. In fact it seems much harder to stop myself from doing it than to actually do it. Yes it'd be cold. But i deserve the bitter pain. Yes it'd be dangerous. But maybe I could get some sense knocked into me. Yes it'd be hungry. But maybe I'd lose some of this stupid weight.

For every down side i think of, my brain thinks of something to balance it out. But i still havent run away. Why? Because at the same time, I'm scared of change. And that would most certainly be a change.

Then my boyfriend made me promise not to cut myself anymore. I said that i'd try. But it isnt that easy.
And then i feel really bad because my life should be good. I have everthing anyone could ever ask for, but i still feel like *insert curse word here*.

I still dont know what to do.
I'm still stuck.
I still cant find help.
I still cant talk to anyone properly.
I'm still a whiney selfish little *insert insult here*.

And the worst thing is, I'm still wasting people's time with my stupid selfish rants.

Sorry.

[madisgram]

have you ever thought about this...if you were to run away, once you stopped, there you would be. u'd still have YOU with you!!!
yes change is difficult and scary but based on how miserable/sad you are now, wouldn't change be a good thing? it might be worth the effort to see.