[Elana05]

I'm sorry. I don't know why I post these things if I'm going to delete them.
I'll try to get better at this.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Posting a lot lately... Sorry. I just hate waking up with anxiety. Basically I wake up and spend the first few moments of my day feeling lazy and "good for nothing." It's awful. In anyone else I would see it as depression but in me I see myself as a total jerk. This morning just moving around the kitchen, feeding the cats making coffee - the feeling most present is that being unemployed makes me feel like the "scum of the Earth." I just kept repeating it. The thing that gets me is that now I will put on old clothes and clean the house from top to bottom. We're going to visit some family this weekend so it has to be done. I guess I don't want to come back to a dirty house. Vacuum, scrub, to the dishes, laundry. It will take five hours I am sure. But it is never enough. To be honest, the voices always come at me (in my mind) from my dad's wife. She has always been quick to point out who in the family should be working, who should get a job. And yet she and my dad will provide money to some family members who aren't working... and then complain about it over and over to me. So in my mind I jus can't see how I'm any different. My dad has been providing me with some living expenses. But he and his wife don't usually see eye to eye on money issues. She always wants to save - even to the extent of telling him what not to buy at the grocery store. So I feel so guilty that I am taking money where deep down his wife is resentful. Yesterday I just outright decided I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I vowed I would find work soon. Yesterday I was so upbeat. I even got up the stregth to go into a store I liked to see if they were hiring. (of course they weren't) Today, I will just hide.

Hi, Elana,

Sorry you're feeling so down. Are your meds working? Are you taking an appropriate dose? Check in with P-doc and see. Otherwise, what you say about what you're doing sounds good. You can't beat cleaning the house as constructive action to feel better. If I told you about OUR house, you'd plotz. Since you obviously have a computer and are on the internet, have you used it to look for local jobs? It's quite effective though you have to sieve through all kinds of things to find something for yourself. I'm looking for something nights & weekends just to pay my bills. At the moment we're only skating along the bottom. I am amazed, contrary to expection, how reasonable and polite the collections people are. But back to you: If you live in anything other than a rural area, there are jobs around now and then. In the long run, of course you'll find one. The point is to find one as soon as possible. Keep trying the internet. Take care.