[Elana05]

I just feel worn out this morning.
I am so tired of carrying my troubles around.
I know people say to give them up to God.
It helps for awhile... but pretty soon I have to take them back again.
I feel like I'm in between - not really believing that I have debilitating depression but,
feeling like I will never be able to work. At least not until I'm 45 and I know enough to maybe tutor some kids. That would be nice.
It sounds super-crazy, but what would I give for my partner to tell me she'll support me.
If I just take care of our home; keep the cupboards stocked, bathroom & kitchen scrubbed with bleach, laundry clean,
and if I just keep taking care of myself and going to therapy...
Because it all feels hopeless.
I won't ever find work.
And if I do, it will make me want to...
well I won't go there. Basically, it will make life not really worth living.
I know this sounds crazy.
They tell me "just get a job"
your happiness, your freedom always comes second.
It's like my definition of work is a place where you have to ask to go to the bathroom. Can you believe it?
It makes me want to break out in hysterical laughter.
You have to ask to do something you can't even control.
And sometimes your manager says no... you have to wait.
I'm so sorry I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait, let me become a robot with no needs. There. Is that better?
And you get to use the bathroom whenever you want to?
At least you get to be human.
When do I get to be human too?
I want to laugh. Laugh until I pass out.
I get so triggered.
Work stole all of my mother's dreams from her.
Work stole all of my father's dreams from him.
They began as hopefull artists.
They ended up as alcoholics.
You'll never be free.
You'll never feel free.
You'll always carry things around.
Don't bother to think it will ever be different.
Because THIS is the way life is for you.

[midnight_soul]

I am new here. As i read your story it was as if i was reading so much about ME. I understood every word you said. I to am worn out, feel this is how I will always be.

I know I can't help you but please know this. I hear you, stay with me, us here so we can talk to each other. For many of us, me especially, this place is all I have right now for some one to talk to and know, or should I say I hope some one will listen.

[justfloating]

((((((((((((Elana))))))))))))))))

[Gus1234U]

wow, Elana,, and i thought my family traits were strong~! it is possible to change the way we think, and that can change the way we feel, but we have to want that change more than anything in the world~! more than we want to remain the same, more than we want to believe in our old world, more than we want to be our parents' child. i am hoping you can find the way to change, to a new View of the World, to a new way of thinking and feeling in whatever circumstance you find yourself. i am hoping that you find Peace. Gus

[garden gal]

((Elana05))
It sounds like you have had some pretty horrid experiences of work... what you describe sounds dehumanizing. I'm sorry that you went through that.

Looking around at some of my friends who have jobs that they love, it makes me think that work does not have to suck the life force out of us. My current job is definitely does... but I'm hanging on to hope that there is work to be done out there that is a good fit for me, that uses my natural abilities as well as my education. A job that energizes me, that I don't dread showing up to every day. I haven't found it yet, but this is what I wish for both of us.
May we both discern what such a job would look like for us, and may we both have the good luck to find it.
peace,
garden gal

[tangodream]

Elana, I can totally understand where you are coming from. I too have been out of work for a long time now, with everyone telling me I have to work, but the idea of it makes me break down & cry.

I know I have to work, too, because my husband cannot carry the financial load by himself much longer & we are living on the edge of losing everything if he misses too much work. I know all of this in my head, yet I still fear going back to work & I'm supposed to start a new job tomorrow.

I guess I really don't know what the answer is for either of us; I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, however. Hopefully we both can find our proper place in this world where we feel comfortable & fit in. Have you tried starting your own home business? Do you make any crafts you could sell? Could you do some kind of work at home...there are legitimate companies that offer working at home. I'd try them but I don't have an office space where I can put my PC & shut off the noise from the house.

Peace be with you.

Kim

[Elana05]

Thank you all so much for your wise and careful responses. (I kind of wanted to take this one back). I have really just had some awful jobs. I can't believe it. And customer service after 8 years just takes so much out of a person. I think I get triggered because I spent my childhood stifling my emotions and being careful that everything I did was to help my parents and pretend I never had any needs. Then I get to work and I'm super good at it, you know? It's like, "let me do everything possible in my power to help you, the customer." So again it was like I didn't exist. I remember once having a coughing fit behind the counter and having to run off to get some water. There were a few people in line and nobody asked if I was OK. Instead when I got back this person was just disgruntled and was like, "I was wondering where you went. I need help with something." That's just how it is. You have to have some stamina and serious boundaries to deal with that kind of stuff. With the depression, I just haven't had it. I mean now at work (during my very last job) I did the bare minimum and found I had grown super cynical. I still got a raving review though. Great. A raving review for a $8 an hour job. I should be so lucky. (See? I'm just being arrogant right??) Ugh.
I just can't not help people. I guess that's what happens when you have to take care of an alcoholic parent from the age of six.
Anyway... more rambling.
Please feel free to expand on any of this if you can find any of it relatable. I love to hear what you all have to say and feel so heartened that any of you can relate. Hugs.
Elana

[Wantabenormal]

I can relate. I have worked in customer service my entire life. It drains you of all being.

I started working in dealerships at the age of 18. I learned very quickly and moved up the ladder to service manager after several years. Now being a service manager at a dealership is one of the most stressful jobs out there. Not only are you trying to please your boss, the customers, technicians, office staff, parts department and corporate..... you have to do it all with a *smile*.

Waking up at 5:30 to get to work by 7, dealing with the public who are already ticked that they have to be there, yelling and screaming at you on a daily basis because some other dealership messed up their vehicle, etc.... Trust me, this type of abuse takes it's toll.

After being out of work for 2 years I got a call the other day. I have been offered a temporary position working as a service writer for about a month. I can't do it. Just the idea gives me anxiety. The thought of going back and standing on the other side of the counter from the public makes me literally ill.

[Elana05]

Hi Wtbn,

My thoughts are with you. It does make you feel ill, right? Like having the flu and knowing you have to get up and walk into the kitchen but it makes you feel like you might pass out?
I can relate.
I hope this does work out for you and it is so much better than you imagine. At least you might end up working with a couple of nice people. If you decide to go with it... just don't forget to keep your boundaries. If you get an irate customer just say something like, "Look, no one did this on purpose, it is my goal to serve you the best I can." We are all equal and we all deserve to be treated like equals. No matter what side of the counter we're on.

[Wantabenormal]

Originally Posted by Elana05

,
Like having the flu and knowing you have to get up and walk into the kitchen but it makes you feel like you might pass out?

You hit the nail on the head! I couldn't have said it any better.

Unfortunately I declined the position. I just couldn't get that gnawing feeling out of the pit of my stomach.

[Lilleth]

I am not academic I used to be good at sewing and doing hair all of which I taught myself while being homeless and unemployed while looking after 3 children. My mother never encouraged me to do anything indeed she always told me I was worthless and good for nothing between her and my father using me to take out all their fustrations on. I lost all confidence in myself when I did get a job I always felt I was not worthy of the job even when I was encouraged by my manager to get a higher posisition I alway refused as I knew I could not cope with it. It took all my energy just to keep doing the job. I encouraged my children took try for what ever they were interested in and they have turned out pretty good. But as for me I am in my 50s I work looking after people I hate the job now I went into it because I felt if I was doing something worthwhile I would feel better. But it takes all my energy to keep going. My parents are elderly and I have to help support them so I have to work. I dread each day I get up and go into work. I am afraid of the modern world I find everything so confusing. I used this computer as my son gave it to me I can do simply things like e.mailing and after finding this site I read and see how other are doing but most of the time I write stuff but forget where I wrote them. I have had some lessons but everything you learn seems to become outdated before you can get used to it. I know I am rambling on I am about to go to work I dread it and today I have to go see a consellor for the first time in over ten year and I am nervous. I am afraid of my work finding out about my depression as I am afraid of losing my job I told someone once that I was depressed well I broke down weeping in front to them and they have treated me different since I dread it in case they told anyone higher up.

[Ithurts]

I'm worn out too.