Why do the tears

Why do the tears never seem to run dry
Why does it hurt so much deep down inside
Why does my heart feel clutched by a vise
Why does it never ever get better
Why do my cheeks get wetter and wetter
Why, Why, oh dear God
WHY?



kebs

I dont know why
the sun doesnt shine
or the tears don't stop.

I only hope you know
that we care for you
on PC.

Sometimes you need
chemical rearrangements.
Or goals to work towards.
An exercise routine,
a change in thought patterns.

Just dont
give in
dont,
give up.

I believe in the strength
of the human spirit.
I believe in you.

((((((( Kebsfroggy! )))))))

How beautiful and sad.

If you knew why, would it help?

(((((((((((((((( Kebs )))))))))))))))

Today was my pdoc appointment. All I could do was cry, I couldn't speak.
"if I put down my pen will you talk to me?" He asked
All I could do was cry and shake my head no.
"do you need to go to the hospital for a few days?" He asked
All I could do was cry. "it won't do any good", I mumble. "They treat you like pigs. They don't help the pain or thoughts running through my head"
"What if you go to another place this time?" He asked
All I could do was shake my head no with tears running down my cheeks.
"Are you safe?" He asked . . .

what is safe

kebs

safe means you won't bring harm to yourself, even though I bet you know that already. I hope you are safe right now.

You're right, Amazonmom, I know what safe is, but am I

My life is hell
My thoughts turn toward all the things we can't discuss here
I can't seem to stop crying
All I want to do is sleep
Will I call my pdoc....that is the only one I know the answer to....no
There is nothing he can do to help me
I don't want to go to the hospital and be lead around like pigs to slaughter, I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat, just sleep.
That's all I really want to do is sleep. It makes the pain go away. It makes the world I live in go away.

I don't know if I am safe. No one really cares anyway.
I do know my life right now is a mess.


kebs

Life is messy for you right now. I care very much.

i care for you too. i hope you get the help you need. when i am like you are right now sometimes i struggle to make sense of things even if it's to help me.

I wonder what all our messes together would look like...?

A Kebsfroggy in torment and turmoil is still worth more than we can tell, worthy of more than my poor words can express.

((((((((((((((( kebs ))))))))))))))

Your words are how I feel. I wept reading them. I dont want to be like this but dont know how to stop.

Thank Amazonmom, madisgram, fuzzy, Rohag. I'm aware that you care.
lilleth
Yes there are many here like you and I and they don't have the answer either.
Rohag
We both know we don't want to find out the answer to that one..

I'm trying to finish my soon to be grand daughters quilt. But it is so difficult with my insides shaking and tears streaming down my cheeks. And of course my nose is dripping in concert with my tears.
I feel like such a failure. Nothing I do ends with the slightest success. My dil couldn't stand the slacks I made for her. This quilt should have been done weeks ago. Oh what difference does it make. Such a fool, such a mess.
The strangle hold life has on my heart.Why do I even bother to keep on trying?



kebs

Kebs, I know the feeling. My friends ask the same thing. My doc's nurse asked me. I don't even want to speak, because when I talk the tears come. Just when I think I'm getting a little ahead, I find myself sinking deeper. I keep wondering when the tears will end and when I will feel like me again.

Ah, but does she like the husband you made for her?

You have lived your life as daughter, mother, and grandmother of those who serve the greater good. Their sacrifices necessarily became yours. You upheld those who upheld and uphold the many. The burden of who you have had to be played its own role in exposing your heart to sadness.

Thank you, dear Kebsfroggy. I cannot dry your tears, and I cannot see you as a failure.

Exactly, Pitchblack. Even when I feel a flicker of light, forget it. Next thing I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.
kebs

Rohag Yes, of that I am certain. Both my sons have wives that adore them. Very unusual in this day and age. Military wives require extreme trust and courage.
Granted

But I have missed out on their lives. So many things. So few I can remember but only from photographs. Little league and hockey games, performances to raise funds for kids with cancer, fishing and camping trips, orchestra recitals. 10 years of performances and I remember nothing. My parents knew my children and grandchildren better than I.

Such a wasted life. Never time for my family, a family scattered to the 4 winds. Each under orders to serve everywhere; Pacific, Iraq, (if I tell you I'll have to kill you) places.
Never time for the music and hobbies I enjoy. Those few I was able to do for awhile, my pain won't let me continue.

I just want to give up. This life of mine just is not worth it.



kebs

Very nice poem. The eye crying into the water adds a nice touch.

It still hurts



kebs

And we still hurt with you.