[Inky]

Family's in an uproar again.

Dad's bipolar sparking, he's in and out of the baby's room, waking her up, setting her off, which sets Mom off and she takes it out on us, even though it's my baby, so I should be the one upset, but I just can't find it in me to perpetuate the stupidity by taking a stand (what would it matter anyway, when neither of them seem to understand English except as it sounds coming out of their own mouths?).

Last couple of weeks have been odd.

Had a few days where I just enjoyed the little things, feel of the sun on my face while I stared out at the field behind the store on my lunch hour. There was a coyote out there the other day, just a little one, and I watched him roam around.

When I came back in, the management and my coworkers set to work, Did you see the coyote, I bet you could have taken him, come back in with blood all over your face and dragging his body like somehow I put him there and was asking for the sarcasm and the ribbing they can't seem to stop, putting words into my head and texture into my personality because if I don't give them a handle, if I don't let them in, they have to make one up and make fun of that.

Been thinking too much about myself, lately, which is always confusing. What kind of person I am, how I affect other people, that sort of thing. I only end up with more questions than I started with.

Today someone said she doesn't have problems with such-and-so because she's just a nice person like that, and she wasn't being sarcastic, and it surprised me.

And it was kind of funny because the person having problems with such-and-so was the one who said it, but none of them ever seem to realize that in order to get that kind of reputation you actually have to, I don't know, be nice.

I haven't been very nice lately.

I'm civil, I'm professional, but I'm angry.

It's like my temper is just barely in check, like it's shaking under my hands and I have to clench my fists to keep it from just... incinerating everything.

I get so tired of being made fun of for things I didn't say, things I didn't do. I almost want to let them know what kind of person I really am, so at least when they're jacking with me it's over something (or someone) real.

I get so tired of sitting in the office by myself on days when four of us are there (and all of them still on the clock, getting paid to walk around making personal phone calls), of being the only one to ever answer a phone or help a customer or get up out of my chair to fetch things for the salespeople. I get tired of being the only one who ever scans a load slip or reads an e-mail or goes out and pretends to know something about the furniture because someone's salesperson isn't there and they need help.

I get tired of being the only one who gets made fun of for making a small error, especially when the others don't make errors because they don't actually work. If you're doing everything, you're bound to mess up here and there.

For the most part, what I get made fun of isn't even my mistake, corporate changes the numbers on my returns because they think they know what they're doing, the salespeople change orders without telling me, the guy who dates returns doesn't read all of my instructions and tells me my numbers are off when they're not.

And everything thinks it's just oh, so funny. Mostly because it isn't them.

I get tired of listening to sexist commentary and disgusting jokes and having people bump into my bad hip or step on my foot or knock things off my desk because they like to roughhouse in the office.

I get tired of getting there fifteen minutes early, opening by myself because my counterpart is late, maybe not getting a lunch because one of them plans it that way because he thinks it's funny (and he's almost the manager's son, so no one says anything), of standing outside the store until eight-forty-five at night when I've been there since eight-forty-five in the morning because I don't have a car and no one can be bothered to come get me when I get off at five (and not having a car because I'm so busy supporting the people who can't be bothered to come get me).

I'm tired of my whole life, and I want a new one, and it's too late now.

Back before I had the baby I could have run, but I didn't, because I've known ever since I was ten years old that it would be my job to take care of my parents. My sisters won't.

I don't know.

I'm reading Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant.

It reminds me so much of my life that it's hard to trudge through it.

[ECHOES]

It is your parent's job to take of themeselves and one another.

You live your life

[BashfullOne]

Again, I wish there were works of wisdom that I could recite that would help you to feel better; I wish there were something I could do to help you out of the situation that you are in. I have nothing to offer but my friendship, I wish that were enough to help you. I'm sorry there is nothing I can do to help you. I wish you the best and will continue to pray for you. God Bless you and yours.

[pegasus]

And it was kind of funny because the person having problems with such-and-so was the one who said it, but none of them ever seem to realize that in order to get that kind of reputation you actually have to, I don't know, be nice.

Made me smile! Wisdom.

Don't let them stomp all over you.

[madisgram]

i noticed how "tired" you were in your post. gosh i can relate to that when i am depressed! it seems you have an awful lot on your plate as many of us do. the person who needs the most kind and caring teatment is you! please don't forget to be kind to yourself. no one can do that better than you. i know it's hard sometimes to remember to do that but it helps me to do it. i hope this gentle reminder will help you too.

[Lilleth]

If only parents could take care of themselves as they get older they sometimes become like children and you get to be the one with the worry of them although you were not the one they gave everything too.