[Elana05]

I have to call my mom tomorrow and tell her I can't come visit for Christmas. She lives pretty far away so I'd have to fly to see her. There's just the 2 of us since I'm an only child. I have always had the money to go visit her at least once a year, but this year I just don't have it. I feel kind of fed up because I always have to spend the money to travel to see her. I've done it like 6 or 7 times. She finally came to visit me once (last year). But talked a lot about how hard the drive was. Part of me wants to see her, even for just a couple of days. It is her favorite holiday. She bakes, cooks, decorates (but drinks a lot in the evenings, which is the worst). To do it I'd have to dip into my dwindling savings - and it's expensive, like $400 or $500. Maybe I should just do it? IDK! I feel so guilty. If I didn't have this depression I could be getting on with my life and have the money to go visit. I really don't think she is going to be that sympathetic. (I told my T the only way she might be sympathetic is if I was gravely ill). She is usually concerned more with how she feels than how I feel. And I am going to be left feeling like I have done something horribly wrong.

[blueoctober]

Elana05; I can understand your dilemma, but if you can't afford it and it will cause you financial stress just let your mom know you can't afford it, but she is welcome to visit you (if you want her to). I hope your mom surprises you with her response and is more concerned about you than herself.

[CindyLuWho]

If it's important to mom, maybe you can split the cost? Sounds like you want to go, but can't afford it. If you don't WANT to go, that's different. But Mom should be able to understand if you just can't swing it this year.

[ECHOES]

It would be good to be honest and acknowledge her feelings right off. Tell her you know she will be very disappointed, and you are too, but you just can't afford the trip this year. What about telling her what you said here, that you admire how she bakes, cooks, decorates and makes the holiday so special and that you're going to miss that.

She has to deal with her own thoughts and feelings about your decision.
Your decision is about what's best for you.

[Elana05]

Update:
Talked to her on the phone this morning. She offered to pay. I took her up on it. She told me I just had to come. If I didn't come for the holidays she'd be depressed. I feel ambivalent about it. It is what it is.
Kind of want to go (for a day at least) but not sure about the whole six days I'm staying. It's always hard. With her drinking, it's always triggering. I really have always wished I had siblings to take the load off a bit. It bothers me that she puts so much of her happiness on me. I can barely take care of myself. I can't make her happy too. But if showing up is enough, so be it. Hardly any money for gifts. I think she's going to get some homeade presents: fudge maybe or a drawing. lol. Just like the old days. Maybe something made out of macaroni.
I guess that's the thing about life. It's bittersweet. It's messy. There's a lot of gray.

[blueoctober]

I hope it goes well. It was nice of her to offer to pay, but I can relate to your concerns. You are her Christmas present and I'm sure she would be happy with whatever you make her.

[CindyLuWho]

Moms like homemade gifts. How about a picture in a macroni frame that you spray paint silver? She'll remember and laugh. And look up other family and friends if you can so that you're not alone with her the whole 6 days. And if the drinking causes you problems, go to a local AA meeting to get out and away.

Hang in there!!!! Remember it is your job to take care of YOU and she needs to take care of HER!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by CindyLuWho

Remember it is your job to take care of YOU and she needs to take care of HER!

Cindy,

This is my life lesson. Be it my mom or anyone else. Thank you.

Thanks everybody...