[Switch]

So I know this site is for support, but I'm having trouble with that right now so I'm forcing myself with the hopes that it helps.

I don't exactly feel really depressed today but I know I am. I've been smoking today, like a real smoker. One at a time.... which is weird for me since I usually either don't smoke or chain smoke.

I haven't really been able to eat anything, and when I do I don't clean up.

I haven't showered and when I do I just sit under the hot water.

I'm suppose to be doing homework but I've just been listening to the news. Bad Canadian comedy and world affairs, and some random shows that come on in the mid afternoon on CBC 1.

My room mate just got home and I thing she knows. I hate putting stuff on her, and leaving stuff for her to clean up because she's always so busy and I don't have a job and am barely in school. She's started cleaning and I feel guilty as hell but just don't want to help. She's taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes, and even cooking for me.

I promised myself I wouldn't make her deal with my ****, especially because she doesn't understand mental illness and it just frustrates her. She doesn't know what it's like to have a wall in your head that you can't overcome, or push down, because you're not strong enough. She's successful, in a great relationship, and works really hard all the time. I'm really proud of her I just wish I wasn't so much of a burden. I wish I could go back to how I was when we met in first year.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about her doing chores because I do all the chores around the house, and I cook for her when I know she's got a really late night at work. She's rarely hear and it feels like I have the place to myself, so it's always weird when she's home.

I know this sounds really ****ed up, but I feel like I'm being a bad house wife and deserve to be beaten. (puts trig warning on this post....). I don't really know where these feelings are coming from as I don't think I've had any abuse or trauma in my life, but that's just how I feel. That I've ****ed up, and deserve to be beaten and raped and then told to go make food as I cry. And this isn't the first time I have had those feelings.

Me and her use to date, and she was really angry when we dated. I don't really remember much of what happened because I've started to forget things from 3 relationships ago to now, but I think she use to get mad at me and push me around a bit. I remember her shoving me up against a wall threateningly and me retaliating for something. And I remember her pushing me onto the ground and growling at me for five or ten minutes, I felt like she was going to bite my jugular or something, all because I told her I was depressed.

She's much calmer now, and all of that ended when we broke up, which is why we're still living together. She's really cheerful right now, and just came over and gave me a egg mcmuffin sorta thing, saying sorry that the top got mangled... If she hadn't walked away right after I don't know what I would have said because it took me so off guard...

I just want to be beaten for being lazy and incompetent... fml

[roads]

Originally Posted by Switch

So I know this site is for support, but I'm having trouble with that right now so I'm forcing myself with the hopes that it helps.

I don't exactly feel really depressed today but I know I am.
....

I know this sounds really ****ed up, but I feel like I'm being a bad house wife and deserve to be beaten. (puts trig warning on this post....). I don't really know where these feelings are coming from as I don't think I've had any abuse or trauma in my life, but that's just how I feel. That I've ****ed up, and deserve to be beaten and raped and then told to go make food as I cry. And this isn't the first time I have had those feelings.

Me and her use to date, and she was really angry when we dated. I don't really remember much of what happened because I've started to forget things from 3 relationships ago to now, but I think she use to get mad at me and push me around a bit. I remember her shoving me up against a wall threateningly and me retaliating for something. And I remember her pushing me onto the ground and growling at me for five or ten minutes, I felt like she was going to bite my jugular or something, all because I told her I was depressed.

She's much calmer now, and all of that ended when we broke up, which is why we're still living together. She's really cheerful right now, and just came over and gave me a egg mcmuffin sorta thing, saying sorry that the top got mangled... If she hadn't walked away right after I don't know what I would have said because it took me so off guard...

I just want to be beaten for being lazy and incompetent... fml

I'm glad you know the signs of depression, switch. You are right about them, more or less. You don't know the signs of trauma and PTSD, though, which can in some ways resemble & overlap depression.

Please go back & re-read your post. If what it describes is accurate, your ended relationship with your roommate may be the source of many of your current issues. You describe what would have been at least an unhealthy relationship, and your saying that you "want to be beaten for being lazy and incompetent" is even dangerous.

If you aren't seeing a T you can discuss this with immediately, please see your school counselor this next week, switch. I believe this may be an urgent safety concern for you.

PM me anytime.

Roadrunner

[sandworm]

Dear Switch, congratulations to you for spotting the signs of depression and being on that.
I hope to help you but I have nothing at the moment. hugs
-S-

[onebluegirl]

yeah in addition to that the trauma does it have extra treatment requirements?

[onebluegirl]

any idea a person might start depersonalizing

[Switch]

Hey onebluegirl,

I don't really understand your question, so could you clarify? I do want to answer as best I can.

[depressedalaskan]

I don't know what to say but I do understand.. if that helps.

[Switch]

((((depressedalaskan))))

Yes it does, very very much.

[dazeofdolphins]

Sounds like your Ex does have some experience with mental illness. And regarding your fantasies, sometimes we have them to protect ourselves. Maybe you don't really want it to happen but maybe you have a deep fear that it could definitely happen with your ex. You are protecting your mind from any surprises by expecting the worst. It's a defense mechanism and a form of control. The smoking is a control issue too. If you wish to be in charge of your life and feelings then choose to control other things in your life. It's your choice!

[feary]

Maybe you are feeling trapped and uncomfortable in this situation living with your abusive ex- you do not want to face it so you have these punishment fantasies- this was a person who probably made you feel awful and now that person is now living with you still- doesn't matter that you are no longer together or how she is now

It is ok to take care of yourself first and do things for yourself

It just doesn't feel healthy and subconsciously it seems to be still affecting you.

Could you move out or find another room mate?