[Winter Moon]

I'm tired of everything. The ups and downs (though the ups don't go very high, or last long at all).

And right after I'm done being depressed I'll be so high strung again. Panicing, worrying, fidgeting. It just makes me think that there isn't any point anymore, in any of it. Why are we even alive in the first place?

It's... upsetting that I'm depressed as hell and thinking to myself "well, better than being panicy, this is a good thing!" I feel like an unwanted bother wherever I go, like my life is worth nothing and if I were to die in the night nobody would notice. And those who did wouldn't care very long anyway. I feel like I'm... tolerated by my friends. Like they'd be relieved if I was gone.

I want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people, so that I'm not alone. Everything I think, or do, I'm a walking contradiction.

Today I've eaten... 2 popsicles. And a mini kit kat bar. I've completely lost my appetite, food looks and sounds disgusting. I think "oh, I should eat something" then can't find anything that looks good. So I'll start losing weight again, right after I put it back on from the last time I got like this.

There just isn't an end in sight, is there?

[buttrfli42481]

Winter Moon. You just described me. I am in the same boat with you. Want to be alone but on the other hand don't want to be alone. Tired of going up and down, more downs than ups lately. Not eating unless the family is around. Wish that I could just escape it all.

[jilliebeanmn]

Yep, I totally relate. It really is the "pit of depression".

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Winter Moon

I want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people, so that I'm not alone. Everything I think, or do, I'm a walking contradiction.

That's a wonderfully apt description of depression. The mind and emotions keep going this way and that way, and occasionally I bump into myself.

Peace and Hope to you, Winter Moon

What a perfect description of how depression really is. I can completely relate. Sending many hugs your way, and I hope you can escape these feelings of depression, if even for a little while.

[kebsfroggy]

I'm a walking contradiction.

It is a terrible thing to say but welcome to the world of depression. Most everyone with depression feels as you.
I'm just a frog of little brain and a walking contradiction is my way of life. I wish I could say I have the magic key but no. All I can say is I understand what you are feeling.

[SophiaFlying]

You sound just like me. Lately though things have been a tiny bit improved.
I think sometimes lately I am getting better. I never thought i could. Of course there is the inevitable backslide.......but I think I see a tiny bit of light...the best thing anyone ever said to me was a therapist I had about five years ago. She told me I would get better. I cling to that statement like a drowning woman to a lifeboat. Hang in there. My thoughts 90% of the time tell me otherwise, I mean that I wont get better, but have to start somewhere. I'll take 10% er maybe it is 5% of the time i think Im feeling better............