prisoner......

Not a good day today. The simple things in life are taken away from me. Please tell me if I'm going nuts, I'm a selfish bubbering brat, or I have a right to feel the way I do........it's my father. I guess you all know I'm living here with my elderly dad. Anyhow, today I felt really good, I wanted to have a few candles lite, just to have a nice relaxing atmosphere while I did work around the house. My father comes in after raking the leaves (he has breathing problems)....he sat down to rest for awhile. He smelt the candles burning and started complaning that it was bothering him. I blew them out in a hurry, left the room mad and upset. I didn't rationalize the reason of what his problem was...I was just angry. Now you see.....several weeks ago, I had music on on the cable channel (just for a little relaxation). He walked in the room and complained he couldn't stand that "junk". I hurried and turned it off (it wasn't like it was horrible music....it was his error of music....Senatra, Como...ect)

The reason I got mad about the candle situation is that I couldn't tell if it's because he wanted to put me in my place....since he knows that he has the upper hand with my situation in life and because he always throws in that he was good enough to help me financially out of a mess.

Do I have a right in my thinking. I did appologize for blowing up about the candles...no one should have to stand that if they are suffering from breathing problems. But, that's how it's been all my life.....everything I liked or appreciated he considered "JUNK".

I feel like the poor slaves, they couldn't get out of the situation they were in. Their heads hung low when they did something wrong in their masters eyes. They couldn't retaliate. I can't retaliate either....I do owe my father my life (really) he seriously got me out of a huge debt that I put upon my self. People have told me that I have made up for my debts by cooking, cleaning ect. They've even figured out the wages of an inhome care giver and what I''ve done for him these past few years. Maybe I have helped him financially by paying him back, I don't know how to veiw it. I just want the one person who made life worth living and I was happy again....my mother. I'm 50 yrs old, I know my age....but what can I do. I have to be here....I have to because my mother, before she died told me not to leave my father. I did for a year though....I left because I thought I fell in love with a man who used me (that's where my father came in to save my hide). I promised never again will I leave and I shall honor my mothers wishes. Another reason I can't leave is that I would have to give up my animals and the 3rd reason...too many debts.

I know you guys this is long....I wasn't going to post this, was going to write it on my profile Journal. But ended up writing my book here. I need a good thrashing for the way I behaved. This is my fathers house, I need to be considerate. Please forgive me for this........lonesomedove

Hello, lonesomedove. Does honoring your mother's wishes mean you are not entitled to a life of your own?

Hi Lonesomedove,

I'm glad you posted... that's what pc is for.
I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
But you didn't do anything wrong. It was good of your dad to "come to your rescue." But - this is what family (our parents) are supposed to do imho. You don't really "owe" him for this. It has been good of you to take care of him all this time. But I would start thinking about setting everything back to "0" again. He helped you, you have helped him. And now what you have is a case where the two of you live together and share a house. What would happen if you "stood up" to him in a sort of a quiet way? It might be his house but you are the one taking care of him. What if you were to say "Dad, I like this music. I want to listen to it a little longer. If it bothers you why don't you go read in the bedroom." Or - can you light a candle in your bedroom? It just doesn't seem fair. We all have a right to live and be happy.
Sending good wishes your way...

Elana

Hold your head up high anyway. Just don't couple it exactly to his actions or words or the manner of them. He like most of us may be out of step in just a small way much of the time.

Have you your own space for candles & Sinatra?

You all are so nice to me!!! I can't really talk up to my father. That's exactly what my neighbor told me to do.....but, it's not as easy as anyone thinks. He throughs everything into my face. My mistakes and what he's done for me. He cries out of anger. Ya know, I can understand about the candle buisness.....but music? I don't really have a room of my own here. The room I had, I had to cut off the heat. Too expencive on heating it up. My room is in the livingroom. I'm used to it, it's ok. In fact, I feel more comfortable to be around the main house. At least I'm around human contact.

My father, this afternoon asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch. This was right after I posted. I'm not sure, but I think he felt guilty......or......and I hate to think this, he knows that I'll not continue to do for him if he doesn't show some kind of lure. That's a horrible thing to think, I would love to believe it's because he wants to be with me...he always states how much he loves me. I do love him, I just wish he wasn't so harsh. This is where my trust in people falls in place or should I say my lack of trust comes into play. I'm always thinking that that's why people want anything to do with me. That's what happen in that horrible relationship I was in. Could it be, that in a way my dad is doing the same? God please forgive me if I'm wrong, I want to love my father....I'd miss him something terrible. I just wish he wasn't so controling.

All of you are like family, I need this place....honest to god I need this place. I'm better at writing then talking, no counselor could help me, only here on this site because it's the best way I can express myself.......Lonesomedove

Dove I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's really impossible to tell what your father is feeling. I still agree with some of the others if there's any way you can get some communication going between you and your father that would be good. Maybe you could pick a few important things to discuss first and leave other things for later. Also, I don't know your financial situation at all but would it be possible to heat the room for an hour or two a day just enough so you can live in it for just a bit and some "you time"?

Hi Again Everyone,

That's it, I've had it up to the ying yang. It's laughable now! Made a pie tonight, was going to last week and had the ingredients mixed...had to store it to do for this week or it would spoil. Ok, I'm not the greatest cook. My dad wanted a pumpkin pie so I made everything from scratch. He tasted it and told me not bad. After finishing he told me that with a little more practice, I'll improve and make a great cook. I told him that maybe I won't feel like making ANYTHING THE NEXT TIME. He doesn't want me to improve on anything except cooking and that's only because he'll benefit from it. I'VE HAD IT.....I'M GOING TO BED! MAYBE I CAN IMPROVE ON MY DREAMS AND FIND SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME AND NEVER COME BACK!!!

Grand Mag....that's what I do, I leave the heat on for a few hrs....it's only to let the birds fly around for awhile. I go in there also. It's ok for awhile, but can't stand the loneliness. It's a no win situation.

Enough of this...a new day tomorrow. Hey...I've got my candles a glowing now, my dad went to bed and I'm going to enjoy the tranquility...read and cuddle up to my dogs