I want my life back

Can't begin to tell you how happy I was. I felt like I didn't need anything else in the world to be happy. I could win the lottery and throw away the ****ing ticket.

What a peice of **** life has been. The last year I have become a completely different person. I don't think people really even remember who I used to be- but I do. I want my life back. My girlfriend doesn't understand what I mean when I say I miss her.

I feel like I have to leave messages for myself on a proverbial answering machine.
"message 1 friday 8:45 pm: Hey Greg, it's me... uh, you're work wants you to know that you aren't keeping up the pace, and you need to fill out your forms properly... just... letting you know"
"message 2 monday 12:37pm: Hey Greg, just thought you should know you got written up today because I freaked out on the freeway and couldn't get to work on time"
"message 3 tuesday 5:55am: I awoke just now wondering where you were, give me a call back when you're available."
message 4 thursday 10:25am: Hey Greg... um... you're girlfriend says she loves you and wants you to get better. She seems kind of sad. Just thought you should know."

;_;

I feel like my panic attacks strip away everything. All my hard work gone like a ton of bricks hitting me at once. The curtains of my consciousness are pulled back and suddenly I am no longer living my life, but rather existing, with no way of ignoring the terrifying reality that I don't have a ****ing clue now and I'm going to depart this world without one too.

I cant live this way. I can't solve anything by ending it. I am just stuck here living in misery. The magic is gone.

OH my! Greg I swear either you were reading my mind or I was precoging what you had written before I opened the thread.

Sitting here in tears thinking that exact same pattern of thoughts. The most depressing thing is that I can't end it. I made a promise and I can't ignore it.

With the unending fatigue, the sadness, pain, anger, loss, pain, the whole kit'n'kaboodle. I so want to either escape this or repair it, and I can't see how to do either.

All I can say to you Greg is that I really understand. Keep going is easy for others to say. Those who don't have to battle through every stinky day hoping the best they can hope to be able to feel genuine happiness even for a moment. It's so good to be able to support others when I am on top of it. But it's like I'm stuck under water and unable to breathe a single breath, and I know I'm probably describing how you feel at times.

Keep going at it Greg, keep pushing through it because one genuine smile and one genuine happy deep breath or sigh makes the difference when it happens. With you on this knowing how it feels,

Rhiannon

Feeling slightly better right now... that was a really bad day... gave myself a headache of course.

I thought my experiences might ring true with someone else. I'm not crazy, just a little out of my mind...

You know those dreams where you are trying to run away from some impending doom, but your feet cant get traction, you forget how to walk, or suddenly you weigh 800lbs? I feel like that in real life sometimes. just trying to get myself from point a to point b becomes a struggle with reality.

Hello, Greg. What is stopping you from getting your life back?

when i lost my beautiful mind, i cried for 3 yrs, but that didn't bring it back,, i finally learned to live with having a "disability" and got a measure of life back,, it does call for the decision and practice of refusing to beat oneself up ,, at all, ever,, for any reason,, i hope you find the strength to move on, best wishes, , Gus

Feels like I'm operating on a different level now, everything's weird here. It's quite distracting, to be honest... Hard to focus on being happy when I cant even make sense of myself. It just feels like I used to be more.

Is there anything that comes to mind that precipitated the changes you are experiencing?

yup, i was correct.(read your profile) it's called depression, 11 p.m. do you see a pdoc and on meds for it? i used to feel like you do but for many years now with treatment a lot of the depression lifted. then i got myself back. i hope you do too.