[justfloating]

I've got a bit of a problem, if anyone as any advice. I've asked my dissertation supervisor to write me a letter of recommendation for my application to masters programs in creative writing. She said she'd be happy to do it, but she asked if she could have a look at the personal statement I'll be sending along with it because she only knows me in terms of my academics and doesn't know much about my creative writing. It'll give her something to build off of when she's writing my recommendation, which is fair enough.

The thing is, my personal statement is extremely ... personal. I talked about why I love to write and what my ambitions are, and the main reason I know I want to be a writer is that even at my darkest hour with depression, I was able to write beautiful things. To me, it's miraculous that someone who was incapable of seeing any beauty or goodness in her own life could still create. Depression stripped me of everything I loved, made it impossible for me to bear the weight of my own life, but when I wrote a little bit of that weight was lifted. Writing is the only thing I'm incapable of stopping and I think that especially since I've spent the last three and a half years studying something I wasn't passionate about, I owe it to myself to spend at least a couple of years actually exploring and nurturing my passion.

My supervisor doesn't know about my depression. None of my professors do. They are aware that I have a "medical condition" but not that it's related to my mental health. I am absolutely not ashamed of my depression -- if I were, I wouldn't be sending a statement that talks about it off to people who will be judging whether or not I'm suited for their program -- but for some reason I'm really nervous about this. Outside of this forum, my blog, and my counselor's office, I do not talk about my depression very often. I don't like to focus on it when it's not bothering me, and I don't like to complain when I know others are dealing with their own problems. Also, regardless of the fact that it's illegal to discriminate against anyone at this school on the basis of mental health, we all know it happens. I'm not saying that my professor would do that. She's a very kind, understanding person and she's taught me a lot in the past couple of years. But I have to meet with her every other week about my dissertation. She teaches two of my courses. She grades my papers and knows all the other members of the department. I don't want things to be awkward, or for her to feel like I've somehow been lying to her (which I feel like I have sometimes, whenever I'm absent and vague about the cause). The ridiculous thing is that the people on the selection committees of the programs I'm applying to will also be teaching me and grading my papers and somehow it doesn't hit me the same way, maybe because they're nameless and faceless to me right now, I don't know.

Anyway, I know that I want to keep the depression portion of my personal statement in for my applications. It's a big part of who I am, and although the depression no longer runs my life I have learned a lot about myself from it and I think that's important to talk about. I just don't know if I should leave it in for this particular prof, or what kind of impact it'll have on my working relationship with her. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[ECHOES]

You want to keep references to depression in, but you don't want her to read it.

I don't see a solution other than choosing one or the other. Either referring to depression as something more general, like 'difficult life experiences' or 'periods of personal growth', or letting her read it as-is.

Or, is there some way to say that your personal statement is SO extremely personal that you are not willing to share it, and some other way she could feel like she knows the non-academic you. Could the two of you meet to talk so she has a better picture of you to make her decision about writing a letter of recommendation?

[Leed]

Hi ~ I see NO reason to expose that you are suffering from depression. It is none of their business - this is an extremely personal thing, and it is between you and your therapist. You could just say that the subject has always iinterested you and let it go at that - or you could expound on the fact that you're interested if you want, without going in to the fact that you're afflicted with it.

We're allowed to have SOME secrets in our lives. Keep that one to yourself. God bless and take care - and GOOD LUCK! hUGS, Lee

[wontgiveup]

Hi Rebecca, My suggestion to you is that you don't leave it out....it is part of who you are and I could absolutely Identify with what you're saying when you mentioned that you're writing has gotten better as a result of it...I am a visual artist and i am now seeing the positive impace that decades of depression is having on my work, i can create and visualize with an intensity that i think would not have existed otherwise. When you look at people like Howard Hughes and Vincent Van Gogh just to name a couple, depression somehow impacted their lives to attain things the average untainted mind could not. Be who you are! Proclaim who you are! and walk in your Genius!

Hello, Rebecca. My thought is you have gone through some very tough times to get to the point where your illness is more manageable. The depression has had a big impact on your life. Even though the illness is less of a factor now does not mean it will not come back to disrupt your life again in the future.

You have displayed a lot of character and perseverance to get to where you are. You have reason to be proud of what you have been able to accomplish. I would be more concerned about nondisclosure.

[jilliebeanmn]

Maybe this sounds silly, but what does your GUT tell you to do?? It's usually spot on.

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

I guess everyone is going to have their own opinions on this.
I think Jilliebeanmn is right. Trust your gut...

But since you're asking... I would say personal means, well, personal. Life is messy and we can't always separate our personal and work lives. Often, when you share a bit of youself this way you will find others who can realte to your human-ness/ your struggles. Who knows... Your professor may relate to what you've written.

Supportive thoughts your way.

E

[madisgram]

i agree...go with your gut feeling. my former T told me this years ago and he was right. do what you feel is ok with you. if you're struggling to make a decision- either revise what you wrote or keep it as is. you'll know once you dig deep inside for the answer. personally i think it is wonderful that writing sparks your creativity while depressed and lifts your spirits. i wish it did the same for me! i'd be writing all the time.