My story

Hi my name is Jared im 14 years old and live in Holland
I suffer from severe depression and am feeling suicidal
I have been bullied since second grade because of my weight and even though its not as bad as it used to i still feel the pain and am very insecure
I hate myself for letting it get this far and i hate my body i have attempted suicide before
Nobody knows about this except for my mentor at school and one classmate i feel like i shouldnt have told them and just ended it then because the asking questions is only making it worse
I dont want to talk to any psych or something and like that i could really talk to that classmate because she is suffering from anorexia and mild depression herself even though she is still losing weight she has found help from the school psychiatrist but i just really dont wanna go
just today i saw "If you really knew me " on MTV i really want that to be done in my school so people understand how i feel.
Nobody knows how i feel inside I can literally feel the depression eating me from the inside i feel like suicide is my only other option
and that that is the only way to make people understand how i feel.

Hello Jared, welcome to PC!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way; we're around the same age so I can understand how immature and cruel classmates can be. Have you tried talking to your parents about this? Is your mentor doing anything to help you, like say, meeting with you every week or two to talk?

Hello Jared,

I was also bullied at school and even though it was almost six years ago I remember the pain very well. My parents migrated to Britain from Korea long before I was born and I was the only foreign student in my year. Like you, I went through some terrible times and had very few friends to trust, but I did learn one very important thing:

Please do not suffer by yourself. It may seem that you are alone, but you should allow your mentor or your parents to help you. Letting yourself become isolated is the worst thing you can do, I've let it happen to myself and I've realised that it is not a good place to be in.

Up until recently, nobody knew how I felt either. I held my sadness inside me and because my parents pushed and pushed it exploded. I was ashamed at first, but now that they know I feel that things have gotten easier. At least now they know how unhappy I am.

Nobody will ever know how you feel inside unless you tell them. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

Hi, Jared, and Welcome to PC. Since you are feeling so low, but too uncomfortable to confide in others right now, this is a really good place for you to be. Keep posting whenever and about whatever is eating at you - get it out - there are so many here of all ages and all walks of life who can relate and provide you with relevant support. Perhaps after a while, you will be more comfortable then more opening confiding in those in your real life.

I would like to try to give you a slightly different perspective on things. "Bullying" (which is just the latest term for ABUSE) did not originate with you, but our societies need to start addressing this issue much earlier. There have always been "bullies" - and for every person who reaches out to others because they just can't take it anymore, there are many others suffering in silence. In fact, you will find that many of the people who join in on bullying some person do it to compensate for their own hurt feelings from being bullied themselves. Bullying creates Bullies - this is what is meant about abuse victims often become abusers themselves.

We humans are more alike than different - so there are others around you who are experiencing the very same intense feelings that you are - there are many around you who are standing on the brink with you, but they are silent and invisible - they don't know how to speak out, reach out - afraid to be further bullied for not being tough enough to take it.

Sometimes taking our very worst experiences and using our understanding of our own suffering can empower us to reach out to and stand up for others who are suffering the same way, but are afraid to ask for help or simply don't know how to express their feelings. Your post, Jared, is very clear - very well-spoken - you have a gift for expressing your feelings honestly, concisely, and very to the point. Sometimes things that we have difficulty doing for ourselves because of our pain speaks to our compassion and we are able to find the courage to do for others what we have difficulty doing for ourselves.

This is how support groups get started - this is how PC got started - this is how people come together for common causes to right terrible wrongs and to prevent others from having to suffer as you are. Because of your suffering, you are uniquely qualified to reach out to and stand up for others - to give them the opportunity to get the support they need and to provide the support you need in return. We need a major movement in this world to address this epidemic of "Bullying" - it's nothing new - just a new name for the same old ABUSE - and abuse of any kind only produces more damaged, injured, hurting people - and more abusers.

You mentioned that you saw "If you really knew me" on MTV and you would really like to see that done in your school. Perhaps that's a place to start - talk to your school counselors and administrators about it - see if they would be willing to do an assembly centered around that and help many more people, as well as yourself.

Like I said, Jared, we humans are more alike than different - and for every person who reaches out and speaks about their pain and distress, there are many, many more who are feeling the very same way or even worse, but are afraid or unable to express what they feel. Look on the Forums list here - on the right-hand side there are statistics for each thread showing the number of replies, and the column next to that shows how many people have read the thread, but haven't replied - hundreds and sometimes more than a thousand people read the threads and other people's responses, but they don't reply. The same is true in real life - your audience is always much larger than you think even though they may be silent.

Doing something positive and proactive with your pain will communicate more to those around you than committing suicide - that's NOT an out, it's just an end that leaves too much unspoken, too much not understood, and much too much undone.

Keep posting, Jared, and let us know how you are doing - we're all on YOUR side! lynn09