[Dark_Dreams]

I know that my depression has gotten somewhat worse with some days being significantly better than others. One thing that has been around lately (the last year or so maybe?) are thoughts of suicide. I have had times where i may have a fleeting thought but not since I was a teenager have I seriously considered the idea. Until recently. Starting a few weeks ago, that has been a constant thought. Not always with real intent but kind of a longing. In the last couple months there have been 3 times when I came very close but not really acted on those thoughts. At the moment, suicide seems very attractive. However, I am not really at risk of doing anything.

I have been laying out the pros and cons of such an action. The reasons not to considerably outnumber the reasons to go through with it. I have actually been actively monitoring the pro/con list because if at any time the margin narrows or I start finding new reasons to follow through or start moving the reasons not to over to the other side then i will need to do something different.

My therapist is somewhat aware of these thoughts though maybe not the full severity at times. I do a lot of writing and Last time I saw my therapist I shared some of the writing with her. I think I will continue to do that. Sometimes I have no voice so if she wants to know where my head has been, reading it works better.

I know I am depressed which can only be a good thing. I continue to monitor the way i am feeling. Not that it really helps me any but at least by making sure I pay close attention to it I am less likely to lose control or something like that.

I only wish there was some magic that could make it all go away

[Detia]

It seems that you're taking good care of yourself despite the depression. Sharing your writing with your T can help them to better understand your thoughts and possibly how to help you.

We all wish that there were some magic to make it all go away, and if I find that magical something I'll gladly share it!

Keep taking care of yourself, I hope things get easier for you with time.

Hello, Dark_Dreams. Believing you can get better is so critical. Good luck.

[justfloating]

((((((((Dark_Dreams)))))))))))

I once mentioned thinking about suicide to someone, who responded with something like, "Well if it bothers you that much, just don't think about it!" Yeah, right. We can't just make the suicidal thoughts disappear, but we can be aware that they're a product of our illness, and monitor them the way we'd monitor any other health condition. I think the way you're monitoring your suicidal thoughts is very responsible of you. It seems to me that you're taking really good care of yourself in the face of your depression, good for you! I write better than I speak too, so I understand why it would be easier to show your T some of your writing. I'm glad you are able to do that.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.