[Music Rules Me]

I haven't posted for a while, so here I am.
Pretty much in the same place as last time tbh.

Scared, Guilt ridden, Worthless, Numb, Confused, Sad, Lost.

I hate christmas. It's a time when there is a lot of people paying attention to me and they spend their money on me. I dont like either of those things. I'm not worth the money they spend. They should spend it on more important things like themselves. Then the attention...it means I have to be even more convincing with my fake smiles than usual. I can't let my guard drop for even a second.

Then life seems....hopeless. I'm never going to be anything worthwhile; never going to do anything worthwhile.
The only thing I could ever want to do is act.
But I'm crummy.
I'm too fat and ugly to be an actress.
I go to the few auditions that I hear about. But i dont hear about many because I cant afford to sign up to the big casting sites.
Besides, even if I did have the money, it wouldnt be worth it because no matter how hard I try, I will never get anywhere.

Then I have issues with my best friend. Firstly, she said that when I act depressed it really irritates her. I only ever show that side when tipsy/tired, but I feel that way all the time. So the one person who I thought one day I might be able to tell my true feelings to, finds it irritating.
Then she was getting back with her ex. She made me promise that I didnt like him because she said she didnt trust me. I dont even talk to that guy. I dont know why she didnt trust me.
He later popped up to ask me if she's any happier, because she told him that she was miserable (she must be a good actor also, because if thats te case she has managed to convince us all otherwise. I mean, she has down days and angry times and stuff, but thats normal for a teenage girl. In general she seemed rather happy.)
And then he said that he "cares about her" and that the reason why he got back with her was because he "doesnt want her to be unhappy because she is lonely). I dont know what to think of that. Does that mean that he doesnt actually like her? Should I tell her that? Or am I just reading too much into it?

There just isnt much for me in this world.
I shouldnt be here.
I dont belong.

Sorry for the length of the post guys, just a few things I needed to get off my chest.

[Leed]

Of COURSE you belong here!! Nothing - absolutely NOTHING - is a mistake in God's world. You were put here for a reason - now it's up to you to find out what that reason is. Perhaps you were put here to entertain; perhaps it is to help other people; whatever it is, we KNOW it has to do with other people because you're "people oriented." You don't have to figure it out right this minute - you're still pretty young! You can change your mind a dozen times before you decide what your calling really is.

And screw your best friend ~ you feel what you feel - it's as simple as that. You aren't here to amuse her. You can't help what you feel. How about next time she has a "down" day, you tell HER to knock it off!!! It would serve her right. Sheeesh. Where does she come off saying that to you anyway!!

You are NOT worthless - you are as worthy as anyone else on earth! You're just having a bad day and we ALL have those. I hate Christmas too - the holidays always bring me down and have since I was a little kid. It will take me awhile to get over the holiday blues.

You belong here as much as anyone else does. As I said, you have a job to do - God put you here for a reason - and you have to figure out what it is. I didn't figure out what my job was until I was in my 30's. Mine was helping other people by whatever means. I was an Optician for years, so i helped people see. That really made me feel good and it helped lots of folks. You'll find something like that too I suspect - only I'll bet it's more in the entertainment business. You WILL make it if you really want to. You're gonna have to work hard and keep positive!! You've got to KNOW that you'll make it.

Best of luck to you - and God bless. Hugs, Lee