[littlemishka]

Im new. And the only reason I came here, is to maybe find someone who will understand how I really feel.. and save me from my personal hell before its too late.. I know I suffer from depression. But that word.. depression.. its so undermined among my group of friends. They use it for everything. "Oh im so depressed my boyfriend is still playing DOTA", "Oh Im so depressed today got class", "Oh Im so depressed my make up was so expensive".. when I actually tell someone Im depressed.. they dont understand its a matter of life and death. That my depression, will kill me and Im literally begging them to come save me.

Nobody gets it. I cant see a shrink either. I have no contacts or money. And the last time I tried to get a referral, the doctor thought I was lying.

Maybe its because I never show how really broken I am. I smile and scoff and I pretend to be some kind of tough chick when truly I feel so fragile that Im afraid if someone actually hugs me I might break.

I need help. I dunno how to get help. I feel like this demon is taking over me and it isnt long before I completely lose myself and I finally do the thing I dream and fantasize of doing all the time.

Why wont anyone understand.. why wont anyone come save me. I have been in my room alone for a 5 days and not one call.. I have not seen anyone since the holidays started. Im all alone in my hostel and everyones gone back to their families and Im terrified to go back because even the thought of it makes me want to stab myself.

I dont even have the energy to actually go and take a shower. or eat or do anything. Im just lying on my bed, staring at the computer of staring at the wall. I just want someone to drag me out of my bed and put me in a shower and take me out somewhere or admit me in a psyche ward because I really dont have the energy to do this.. any of this.

I dont wanna die.. but Im not alive either.

[onlymedid]

I understand about putting on the face and hoping someone would come and save you, but you have to save yourself right now. You have to get yourself admitted somewhere because I can hear it in your post just how helpless you feel. I wish I was there to help you because I would.
Please please get some help.

[buttrfli42481]

I agree with onlymedid. Can you get to the ER? They would be able to help you and even help you get set up with a pdoc or t or both. You sound a lot like me. I don't want to die, but I am not living. Once you are able to talk through your issues, life starts to look better. I hope you find the help you need.

Originally Posted by littlemishka

Im new. And the only reason I came here, is to maybe find someone who will understand how I really feel.. and save me from my personal hell before its too late.. I know I suffer from depression. But that word.. depression.. its so undermined among my group of friends. They use it for everything. "Oh im so depressed my boyfriend is still playing DOTA", "Oh Im so depressed today got class", "Oh Im so depressed my make up was so expensive".. when I actually tell someone Im depressed.. they dont understand its a matter of life and death. That my depression, will kill me and Im literally begging them to come save me.

Nobody gets it. I cant see a shrink either. I have no contacts or money. And the last time I tried to get a referral, the doctor thought I was lying.

Maybe its because I never show how really broken I am. I smile and scoff and I pretend to be some kind of tough chick when truly I feel so fragile that Im afraid if someone actually hugs me I might break.

I need help. I dunno how to get help. I feel like this demon is taking over me and it isnt long before I completely lose myself and I finally do the thing I dream and fantasize of doing all the time.

Why wont anyone understand.. why wont anyone come save me. I have been in my room alone for a 5 days and not one call.. I have not seen anyone since the holidays started. Im all alone in my hostel and everyones gone back to their families and Im terrified to go back because even the thought of it makes me want to stab myself.

I dont even have the energy to actually go and take a shower. or eat or do anything. Im just lying on my bed, staring at the computer of staring at the wall. I just want someone to drag me out of my bed and put me in a shower and take me out somewhere or admit me in a psyche ward because I really dont have the energy to do this.. any of this.

I dont wanna die.. but Im not alive either.

I am listening.

I've dealt with depression my whole life and I know how lonely it can feel. You do need to share this information with your parents. Because they can help you. The sooner you get treatment the better.

Everyone here can help you as well.

Welcome

[littlemishka]

Originally Posted by Baltazar

I am listening.

I've dealt with depression my whole life and I know how lonely it can feel. You do need to share this information with your parents. Because they can help you. The sooner you get treatment the better.

Everyone here can help you as well.

Welcome

Ive talked to my parents countless times over the years. Im a cutter and there has been numerous occasions where I have cut in front of my mum and she just scoffed at me and went back to watching telly. my parents think Im jealous of my cousin and Im lying to get attention. Im scared of telling my friends because the last time I attempted suicide, they sent me to the hospital, but they never spoke to me again after that. I lost the whole bunch. I cant lose my friends again.. unless I lose myself. This has been me for such a long time.. i think ive reached the end of it..

[Yoda]

Here is a link with crisis hotlines. There is a national one as well as state. Not sure if you are in US. If not LMK and we'll find one for you.

http://suicidehotlines.com/

[dysfunctioned]

My heart cries out for you mishka. Nothing and I mean nothing is more important than you right here right now.