Redo

I need a new start.
I don't want to be injured.
I don't want to be ill.
I don't want to be ignored.
I don't want to be hurt.
I don't want to be worthless.
I don't want to be scared.
I don't want to be gay.
I don't want to be weak.
I don't want to be fractured.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to need help but I do.
I want to go somewhere.
I want to do something.
I want to improve.
I want to believe.
I want to belong.
I want to be happy.
I want to be strong.
I want to trust.
I want faith.
I want to feel safe.
I want help.
I want guidance.
I want a fresh start.
I want love.
I want to be someone new.

Hey Ares,

This post might as well have been mine. I can't tell you how many times I've felt the same exact way. When you're dealing with depression it's easy to want a new start, to be born again without depression, to start over and do life differently.

I feel like this a lot. It gets me down a lot too, especially when I realize that no matter how much I want to, I can't start everything over. I can't change the way my life started. But I try to keep in mind that despite this, I can change where my life ends up.

Sometimes it feels like depression is out of our control, like there's nothing we can to stop it or to cope with it. I know that feeling all too well too. But believe it or not, you can control where your life goes. You might not be able to send depression away with a snap of your fingers, and it might take a lot of work. But you can feel better about yourself and your life over time.

Are you currently in therapy, or have you seen a doctor and talked to them about your depression? It might really help you to have someone to talk to and who encourages you to get better.

You say you don't want to need help, but you still do. There's a stigma about needing help. It's seen as a bad thing sometimes, as if we should be able to handle absolutely everything on our own. But even though that sounds like a much easier life, we simply can't always get through things on our own. Sometimes we need help. And it's taken me a long time to realize it, but now I know that that's okay.

It's okay to need help, and it's okay to seek it. You deserve to feel better, and if getting help is what will make you feel better, then that's what you need to do. I believe in you, and I know you can fight and conquer depression. You just need to believe in yourself.

Ares, I believe you are young enough to become that someone new. Yet you are stuck carrying the old life. To what extent is the old life a function of the same people and the same place, the same patterns and the same thoughts? What prevents you from dropping what you are carrying? (Those are all real questions, not rhetorical ones. You need not answer them here and now, and certainly not to me.)

Wishing you a reset button.