[frenchies]

Hello. I'd state my real name but it is a name that is very one-of-a-kind and would probably make finding me on Google even easier. But anyway, I feel like total ****, and I've felt this way for many years now. I am only fourteen years old.

I think the problems actually began in fifth grade. I was probably considered a freak back then, considering the fact that I don't really remember having and friends back then and pictures of me back then. I had a chili bowl haircut, so that basically made me look like a complete dumptruck in heat. I recall the problems starting when I became attracted to a certain girl, a girl who apparently had an attraction for some other dude and basically screwed with my head that whole year. Which that is kind of pathetic now that I read that, especially since I was only in fifth grade. I eventually, thankfully, lost the chili bowl half way through my fifth grade.

The problems seemed to continue through to the sixth and seventh grade. During this year it was the year that I had developed a sense of humor and acquired multiple (white) friends. I became very, very close friends with a particular girl and eventually became attracted to her. But, she wanted only to be friends, and that saddened me beyond belief. I couldn't seem to get over that fact and simply treat her as we were before I had confessed that I had felt that way for her. But I still had quite a few friends, who could at least keep me somewhat happy.

By the eighth grade, I had finally acquired clothing that wasn't purchased from Wal-Mart. This seemed to be a major step forward in life. Eventually, I began "dating" a girl whom I had met at a few football games, but it didn't last long and we didn't do much. During this time, I had met another girl who would later become probably my closest friend. I didn't feel like *** too much at the beginning of this year, but after breaking up with that girl I recall feeling very bad.

I am now a freshman in highschool and I am losing my mind. But not over the things most adults complain about experiencing in high school. It is during this year that I began screwing around with pills and nearly lost my closest girl friends. The thought of losing my friends made me feel truly awful, and I continued to use the oxycontin in order to no longer worry about that. I nearly did lose them, but eventually they came back to me and things started to return to normal.

I can't say I know what is wrong now, but thinking that women have caused most of my problems sounds really horrible, but almost true in this case. I don't think I knew exactly what I was doing when I wrote this, but I feel somewhat better just by typing this. I probably left out some of the details, and most of the older details probably don't really matter anyway. I think it is mainly this year that has given me problems, but I don't know why that is.

Throughout the years I have thought about suicide many times. I want to die. Even now that I feel mildly better, I still want to die. But usually when I think of death I want to know people's reactions, but I realize that this will not be possible once I am dead and gone. Maybe that makes me an attention *****, or that may make me completely insane.

Some "Notes":

My father is an alcoholic.

I suck at any sort of physical activity, including dancing. But I am rather good at making people laugh.

I tend to fear what my future has in store for me. Also, I tend to **** around in school and screw things up but still manage to get decent grades.

I have no plans to go to college or ever get a job, the idea of such a thing has never truly interested me.

During the beginning of my freshman year, some friends reported me to the school counselor and I was required to go to meetings with her daily in order for her to supposedly help me. This didn't ever work and every day, upon leaving her office, I was required to say, "I promise I will not kill myself." It made me feel like ****, and I was incredibly pissed at my friends for their act of careless kindness.

I design games. This doesn't help with trying to socialize while outside of school, I mean I still go to parties and people's houses, but maybe I spend a bit too much time on the computer. This is sort of a hobby and I never want it to be anything more than that. It is also not very enjoyable. Think of it as a sort of addiction almost. But other than that, I have no interest in any other videogames and I rarely watch TV.

My parents have decided that taking my cell phone away will help improve my attitude. I have not been allowed to use my cell phone in 5 months now. That is a nearly painful amount of time.

...And I think that's all I really have to say. I talked to a friend about this on the phone a little while ago, and she made me feel a little better I suppose. But I must thank you for this wonderful service and I must thank any of you who read this.

[Elana05]

Hi frenchies,

You are important!
I'm sorry to hear how things have been so rough...
I can relate to having alcoholism in the family (my parents).
Have you ever gotten to an Al Anon meeting? I have found Al Anon super helpful...
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You deserve to feel good.
Also... Making people laugh is super important.

Sending supportive thoughts your way...
Elana

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ You are a very articulate person - that's nice to see in a young person. Usually I read slang, and stuff that I can't understand. LOL

I understand all too well about living in a home with an alcoholic. BOTH my parents were alcoholics - and it made for a very chaotic atmosphere. There was a LOT of fighting, both verbal and physical. Back then tho, the neighbors minded their own business and the police were never called. There were 4 of us kids, and we really should have been removed from the home. To have to listen to all that horror really did a number on all of us. All 4 of us suffer from depression.

I hope that you are NOT using the Oxycontin now. That doesn't make you HIGH -- it's a depressant. It's a pain medication. You don't really get "high." It's not an upper. And it's very DANGEROUS --I'm sure you know that already. Please -- don't use it anymore. I'm sure that's PART of the reason some of your friends left.

You say you want to 'die' to see the reactions -- well of course you know now impossible that will be. Are you trying to get your father's attention?? Are you trying to get BOTH your parents' attention? Do they not listen to you or pay enough attention to you? What is the REAL reason you want to die? It can't be that you want to see peoples' reactions.

You haven't even BEGUN to live yet -- tomorrow you could feel entirely different about this. Suicide is a permanent answer to a TEMPORARY problem!! This problem isn't going to last forever you know. None of MY problems ever lasted forever. LOL I of course thought they would -- especially when I was in high school. Time seemed eternal to me then. But now an hour seems like 2 seconds.

As far as dancing or physical activity - so WHAT if that's not your bailiwick? I'm lucky I can turn on this computer too!! I'm not good at a LOT of things - but I've had a good life. I had a job that I enjoyed until I became disabled. That sucked. But it could have been worse too.

And we can't know what our future holds for us. It's nice to have goals tho -- you have time to figure out what you want to do. You don't have to decide right this minute! Give yourself some time.

Maybe designing games is just a hobby right now, but who knows?? It could develop into something more. There is good money in that, ya know!! You could be a protege'. lol

And you know what?? I lived my WHOLE LIFE without a stupid cell phone. lol It won't kill you to go without for awhile. Yeah, I know -- I "just don't understand." blah blah blah. LOL Well, you STILL have your computer - be grateful for that!

You're really a pretty nice person. DO NOT do anything to yourself.
You promised the counselor - and please promise me, ok?? I'd like to be your friend. Hugs, Lee

[karenws]

I'm wondering if your depression may be due to your subconscious worry about your future, since you said you are not planning on going to college or getting a job. What if you thought a little bit about what kind of work might intrest you, to see if you could find something that would inspire you to keep moving. Your decent grades means there will be a lot of opportunities for you. Having a future goal can really lift one's spirits.

Also, the oxy is a problem. If you are still using drugs, they can definitely cause depression. In fact, drug withdrawal is used as an animal model of depresion lab experiments. You pay for the high with a reduced ability to experience pleasure afterwards. If you can't get of the drugs by yourself, definitely seek help for that - it will be worth it.

[RunningEagleRuns]

. Good luck

[amacrine]

hey...believe and enchant the name of GOD....EVERYTHING WILL BE OK....