[Music Rules Me]

Although I have so much that i could rant about to you guys, it would all be the same as usual.
So today it's a little different.

A couple of weeks ago i booked an appointment with the college counciller. It's tomorrow. I'm so scared and nervous about going.
Last time I managed to go weekly for about 4/5 weeks and I havent been back since (that was probably about a year ago now).

I dont know what I should say. I mean, I want help but I really struggle to reac out for it, even if it is very close. Because I dont want to seem weak. I have nothing else going for me, the only thing is that I can just about give an outward appearance of being strong and independant. It's hard to break down that barrier with my own hands.
And I dont want a repeat of last time: talking about times that i can hardly remember, and then when we actually get to something relevant, i lie and deny.
But then what if i did tell her about my scars, my suicidal thoughts, my previous attempts, my struggle to keep from self harm, what would she do? Would she have to tell the college and they tell my parents? Would she make me go to the doctors? To a mental hospital? I cant have any of those. I dont want people to know, especially my parents. And i certainly cant take time off college.

I really do want help but I'm just so nervous about what help means. Nervous that I'll be treated differently, looked down on (even moreso than i already am), pitied.

Well I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I suppose it's only one hour, and if I do end up lying, all thats going to happen is that i stay the same as I have been for the past 6 years.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading. xxxxx

[Confusedinomicon]

They'll only recommend you to a mental hospital if you currently feeling suicidal and want to attempt. Your parents would find out if they are paying the medical insurance, otherwise, if you're paying for it yourself they won't know unless you tell them. The pdoc and therapist can't really tell anything to you parents unless you give them permission if you are over 18. (In the US)

Depression is fairly common and people of all walks of life experience it. That's why its good to get help for it. At my college, I am in the counseling office all the time. I have seen really athletic students, scrawny students, students with disabilities, graduate students and much more. There is never a bad time to get help. I have seen normal students come in with their friends, crying. But you know what? It is the job of those in that office to care for the students who may or may not be struggling with a Dx. (They get a lot of short-term depressions, break-ups, etc.)

They aren't going to kick you out of if you are hospitalized either. I was in a hospital for 10 days, and the next semester I went back. I struggle with my dx, but I'm not allowing it to take over my life. I'm still doing things and enjoying life. (For the most part, haha) Some of my friends know about my dx and it hasn't deterred them from being my friend. If anything, it's me who will push them away sometimes.

I really hope you get some help. I know it feels really lonely, and I've been there. It is hard, but I believe you can do it. ((((((((MusicRulesMe))))))))

[madisgram]

how about printing out your post for the T? this way your T will be able to understand more how you cope. i'm confidant your T will not make a value judgement. your T is there for u/trained to help. hope this helps.

[Patriciann]

When I went to see someone for the first time for help I was nervous about the response also. I asked hypothetical questions such as, "If someone is having suicidal thoughts do you have to send them to a hospital or tell their parents about it?" That way worked for me. Sending you gentle ((())) and hope your session goes well. Patricia