Nothing

I am 32 this year.
I am tired.
I can't eat, I don't want to sleep but I don't want to wake up.
I am terrified of my own mind - it is so chaotic, so confused.
I am terrified of the nightmare I have created of my own life.
Lonely little girl now lonely woman still feeling like a loney little girl.
Left to my own devices because people think I like it that way.
I feel like nothing. I feel invisible.
I have fantasies that the bus I'm travelling in, the train I'm riding, will crash. Ihave fantasies that the sky will fall and the world will end. Because everything would be easier if the disaster came from outside me, then noone would blame me.

I don't feel like I am here. I don't feel needed. I want to be here...somehow.
I am tired of always bieng in pain, inside, outside. Every nerve, muscle, tendon, cell of my body aches. Noone can say how my syndrome will affect me in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. How long will I be able to walk for? When will my hands stop working? (PLease, please, don't touch my hands, I need to draw, without that I may as well not breathe)

I feel broken.

An inescapable terror - the worst kind.

Terror, chronic pain, uncertainty, depression. Your post is understated, Amoslass.
May drawing always be yours.

I don't want to say nothing, but am at a loss as to what to say... so just...

love to you, dear one. I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now.

Sorry I can't help but all I can do is this (((((((((((((((((((((((((amoslass))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and say that drawing is one of the best things on planet earth. except when it rains and your stuff gets wet.
Take care

Don't know what to say, but plenty of hugs for you.

"Except when it rains and your stuff gets wet" - made me smile colmnach

thankyou for the support, there is not much you can say, really. Private hell is always private hell. I am sick of this.

Are you seeing a therapist? I find therapists help.

yes. She's new. It's tiring telling my story again.

I"m sorry. I'm new to you too though.

I hope she helps you Amos.

I do too, I do too.

thinking of you....your words have helped me...so that is something!

I've helped????? That IS something.

Been there so many times I've lost count of them. It's so difficult to say anything that will matter much when we are in that state of mind. All I know is what goes down must come up...and that's sort of how it is with depression and anxiety. Just hang in there best you can until you are on the "up" swing again. Clichés seem so pointless at times like these but the simplicity of their truth is inescapable....

"Count your blessings" try to find things in your life that you are grateful for and hold on to those.

"Keep hope alive" Sometimes hope is all there is to hang on to in life, so whatever you do, don't let that light go out completely.

"Things get better with time" Everything takes time...it's so difficult not to fight these feelings but I'm learning that when I allow them and just feel them...it's not long before I am feeling better again.

"Nothing lasts forever" so "this too shall pass" Hang in there dear one...the hardest thing to believe at times like these is that we are all valuable and have something to contribute to life and to the world...

Love and Peace

J

((((((Amoslass))))))

I'm so sorry that you're having so much pain in your life. I wish I could take it from you. I experience similar feelings myself. It's rotten going through such times. In the midst of it, it can feel it'll never end. You're smart, loving, talented. You touch others. You're more valuable than you know.