[dillpickle1983]

I really cannot handle the day to day stress of work, people, or myself. I'm off my meds and don't have anywhere to turn. I'm having dreams of death, and what it must feel like to be eternally rested. I feel like everyone is out to get me. My company said I was moving along in the 9 week training process (I'm in week 17, 8 weeks delayed b/c asswhole trainers) but then tells me that I no longer will move on to the next phase of training because my first trainer didnt put the mountains in the qualcomm. Therefor, I'm screwed yet again. I'm starting to cut myself in my arms and knaw all over my body because it feels "good" to let my emotions flow. I'm unable to express my emotions accept thru anger and sometimes violence. My mind is a mess, I need help. But my company will fire me for seeking mental health support. (I'm a truck driver and ANY mental health issue immediately medically dis-qualifies you from the job) That is rule is industry wide. So in order to stay afloat, I have to not seek help. I'm not sure how that rates with the medical discrimination stuff but it does. I take these "sanity score tests" and answer them truthfully and everytime I take it, the score gets higher. I'm at a 223 now. I'm so confused, I'm so lost, I dont even think my partner even believes how I feel. I don't think he would understand. I've written letters on my computer that tells how I feel to try to let out via a keyboard some of my feelings, but it has not helped. My partner thinks that all I want is attention, but he is so wrong. I love him dearly but I'm not sure he believes me when I tell him i'm in mental health crisis. He says whatever. I'm like great, that really makes me feel better. I'm not even in my own state of FL. I'm in TX. I'm up for another medical exam with the company doctor and I'm not sure what will happen. I worry about everything. I'm so paranoid. My Psych diagnosed me with Major Depressive and GAD... I think its something else, something more serious. I'm scared. Life seems so meaningless to me now. everyday. I can't even go through the motions anymore it just seems pointless. I dunno, thanks for reading my rant.

trying to cope in Alliance TX

[online user]

You do sound like you are going through a lot right now, chandlerT! My heart goes out to you. Try to take things a day at a time. The journalling sounds like an excellent idea--do keep that up and post here again and let us know how you are doing. A lot of us have been there, I think, trying not to show how troubled we are so we can keep our jobs and friendships.

A website I found that was helpful to me when I was really low was one by Kenneth...google on "Kenneth" and "suicide" and see if you can't find it. The suicide resources listed here are good ones to, to reach out to when you have really low points.

Hugs to you!

[sunsetsunrise]

Hey Chandler. I am sorry you are going through so much... and so alone. Well you are not alone when you are here. Sometimes people here have good suggestions. I belong to a website that has a link for something called Samaritans. Its in the UK. and you can contact them by email. They talk to people. I will give you the link. http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/email.aspx They also talk to people by phone. But you are in the US. And they are in the UK. So If you wanted to communicate with them, then perhaps email would be best. They might suggest some online options for you. One thing that comes to mind is this. Could you find a MD who could prescribe medications for you? Without your company knowing it? I dont know if their discrimination is legal. But I guess thats another story. I might tend to trust the Samaritans because they are a provided link at the "suicide forum" website. A loving website that supports people in not harming themselves. I wish I had another idea. Keep posting here. I bet there will be other people with good ideas, as some here already have had. Take good care, please. You already are cared about.