I do not shine anymore..

At age 36 and 8 months pregnant, my husband dropped dead of a heart attack.
I was faced with a lot of stressors...but my constant source of motivation was my daughter. I took the first year and stayed with her...I enjoyed the benefit of doing that financially and that was a God send...it allowed me to make decisions slowly and bond with her fully.
For the next 9 years, I decided to go to college and graduated with a Master's in Social Work. I bought a house about 2 years after I sold the one where my husband and I lived. We had the support of family and she has grown up to be a wonderful, fun, vibrant young lady of 22. I worked after college and I have over 10 years in clinical counseling.
When my daughter was 18, I met a fantastic guy, thru an on line dating service. I had not dated anyone for all that time....and I was ok with that..
Our lives (my daughter and I) was full.
He lived 4 hours away, and we spent much time on the phone and wkends traveling back and forth. There were some red flags...but they were not throughly addressed. After about 5 months, it seemed a good time to take my daughter to meet him and see his home...we were becoming very serious about our intentions...meeting certain milestones, etc. On the night that we were in route to his home, I couldn't reach him by phone...and I am one of those that get lost easily...and this time I was traveling by night..so I was a little concerned and concerned why I couldnt reach him.
When we did arrive...and it was at a time when it would of concerned someone else..we came in to see him at the kitchen bar with two computers. He apologized about the phone ..it was due to him using the computer. As I came closer...the one screen had line after line of story titles...it was all porn.
I can't describe what I was thinking, feeling..I do remember the anger and the hurt....but that was just the beginning. He had told me at some point, earlier in our meeting that he occassionally like to read erotic stories. Well, that didn't seem to terribly abnormal....and no I didn't ask pertinent questions like..."okay, on a likert scale ...is it more than once a day..once a week...etc etc..." I did know how we were sexually together...and he had "unearthed" me...and it was more than just not being abstinet for over 17 years.
So from that point, he told me that was going to happen anymore... About 4 months later he decided that he didn't want to wait until the next year to get married, he wanted me to move in with him sooner. Well, it really didn't seem all that important that we did wait. And I moved in. One day when I was putting away paper work..the was a statement for his credit card that listed a publishing company...something told me to check it out...and when I did, I found his renewal for his membership for a site that was full of erotic stories. When I confronted him with it...he said he wasn't aware that it renewed...but even at seeing me upset, he did not cancel it. He would always carry these storage things with him that allowed him to save stuff from the computer..he said it was for work.
Well...I was getting very suspicious and it was escalating...on the day we were to get married, I insisted he show me what was on those storage things..one was work..as far as I could tell...and the other held over 1600 erotic stories...not just atypical stuff...some were about incest, children, violence...etc. If you met this guy you would have never known it.
Well d&*M it, I married him anyway.
He swore he would give it up...I was more important...In 2008, I lost myself. I spent a lot of time monitoring, afraid to go anywhere when he was home...reading his emails...tripping over residual porn he still had around his house....He had admitted that he lost his sex drive around the same time that I found all the porn...and nothing has been the same since. During that time I urged him to go see a counselor...and he finally did decide to in 2009...but it's been hit and miss. He says he has stopped doing anything in regards to porn...but what ever we had sexually went with it...and I have just turned absolutely crazy.
I am not suicidal...I am just numb. He still will not admit that the way he treated me(sexually) prior to me drawing the line in the sand, had any ties to his use or non-use of porn. Yeah, there is a much more in depth story here, but it just wears me out.
I have turned from a very confident women to a person I just don't recognize..totally depressed. And I am so angry and hurt, which is a part of the depression...no self esteem....
We have spent these years have ups and downs over this area only...and I wish I could get to a point where I just don't care...
Anyway, this is sort of a longer condensed version...but I am depressed and can sit for hours doing nothing...it is just so crazy...because he treats me wonderfully otherwise...I just need to figure this out...thanks for letting me ramble

Hello, A2FMUrs. I am sorry about this.

OMG, you have been through a LOT! Your depression is quite understandable. My heart goes out to you.