[RyanTheEagle]

Hi my name's Ryan & I'm a 17 year old currently at college studying Maths, Further Maths and Travel & Tourism.

I just wanted to come on here so I can let it all out & say how I really feel. My feelings of depression have started since the summer of 2010 when my dad (who divorced from my mum in 2011) never wanted to see me ever again simply because I wanted to go to a different college. In the end though he finally wanted to see me after a few months and we now see each other regularly.

However this isn't the problem. It's all started again since last Friday to be precise. There are a whole number of reasons for why this has started to occur and so I will explain further. One of my first reasons is because of the way my dad & stepmum talk to me, I describe myself as being skinny, yet my dad absolutely hates the fact I look the way I am, constantly making digs at me and just because my step brother & step sister aren't skinny I feel as though he loves them more than me simply because of the way I am. There's been times when he's embarrassed me simply because I haven't eaten as fast as everyone else and - as a very sensitive person - this has often brought me to tears by myself feeling worthless and unloved. As well as this they constantly make digs at me because apparently I don't talk enough, it's like they don't realise i'm not the most confident of people although I always try and make a conversation with everyone.

Also my current exam stress really isn't helping because today I had my maths mechanics a level & I felt as though it was terrible. It makes me feel stupid and worthless knowing that my friends are able to make it look easy whilst I struggle on, even with help. My depression has lead me to feeling absolutely awful at school, I feel extremely paranoid and as though all of my mates are stabbing me in the back being kind to me and then once I've gone they start talking about me behind my back. Friday was probably the worst day of my life, I got tripped up, really hurt my knee & hip and all I could hear was everyone laughing and starting to throw balls at me or people that were helping me - this from people I thought were my friends. By then I literally burst down in tears during my next lesson and felt as though I couldn't continue.

The symptoms are of depression are making me feel horrible & I've already told some of my best mates but sometimes it's not enough. I've been feeling:
- Worthless, as though no-one really likes me or loves me!
- An emotional wreck, most days for no reason whatsoever I just burst into tears and can't stop myself from doing so!
- I often feel really really low, as though there's no light and the end of my "life" tunnel - even though I have some amazing friends I feel as though I'm not worthy of living on the same world as them!
- Paranoia, as explained before!
- Loss Of Appetite, don't feel like eating most of the days even though I know I need to and want to!

I've started to talk to my friends about how I really feel - as I often put a shield on how I really felt at college - & have just made an appointment with my doctor to talk about it and know how I can feel better.

Thank you for taking the time to read this I just want to feel normal & happy like I used to again!

[TerryL]

Hi Ryan--sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you told you dad that his and your step mum's teasing really hurts your feelings? Maybe have a heart to heart with him if that is possible. He must care if he resumed contact with you. (remember your parents are also people too and come from their own issues and backgrounds)

As for school, yes it can be like a mini stress factory..the school work, the friendship issues, and on top of all that, your parents' divorce (and all that must have happened to lead to that). I'm glad you are posting here to vent your emotions, and that you will be discussing things with your doctor. That sounds like a good plan. It's hard to control what is going on all around us but you can control how you treat yourself so I hope that you will try to hang on to the fact that you are a good person, try to eat well and get lots of sleep. and do keep posting if you need to. Wishing you well.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, RyanTheEagle!

Originally Posted by RyanTheEagle

Friday was probably the worst day of my life, I got tripped up, really hurt my knee & hip and all I could hear was everyone laughing and starting to throw balls at me or people that were helping me - this from people I thought were my friends

***sigh*** People can be cruel, and when those being cruel are those you have regarded as friends the sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I join TerryL in supporting your plan to speak with your doctor. Please keep posting.

[RyanTheEagle]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Hi Ryan--sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you told you dad that his and your step mum's teasing really hurts your feelings? Maybe have a heart to heart with him if that is possible. He must care if he resumed contact with you. (remember your parents are also people too and come from their own issues and backgrounds)

As for school, yes it can be like a mini stress factory..the school work, the friendship issues, and on top of all that, your parents' divorce (and all that must have happened to lead to that). I'm glad you are posting here to vent your emotions, and that you will be discussing things with your doctor. That sounds like a good plan. It's hard to control what is going on all around us but you can control how you treat yourself so I hope that you will try to hang on to the fact that you are a good person, try to eat well and get lots of sleep. and do keep posting if you need to. Wishing you well.

Thank you Terry. Well I've tried once before and when I told him that I had depression he simply brushed it away, saying that I overreacted and so ever since this moment, I've simply felt scared to tell him how I feel and tell him again. Yeah school seems to be the root for the majority of my feelings, yeah I have realised that "letting myself go" so to say has helped a little bit to help control my feelings. Although Friday evening I was non stop crying for about 3 hours, having a breakdown for no reason whatsoever. I will certainly try to keep eating & sleeping normally - although recently that has been a major struggle of mine.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, RyanTheEagle!

***sigh*** People can be cruel, and when those being cruel are those you have regarded as friends the sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I join TerryL in supporting your plan to speak with your doctor. Please keep posting.

Thank you Rohag. I know, this was at a point where I ad actually told a few close friends that I was in fact suffering with depression, which made the whole occasion 10 times worse. Well I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow so I hope that it goes well, although I think it'll be very emotional. I certainly will keep posting as I feel it helps knowing that people care & just letting people know how I really feel.

[Mylifeisdepressing]

Hey Ryan, welcome to PC. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm glad you came here and I hope you can find some relief, I know it really helps me to talk to people who understand what I'm going through. That's what I love about PC. I'm glad you're going to see your doctor, hopefully you can get some help. You're always welcone to PM me if you want to talk

[RyanTheEagle]

Originally Posted by Mylifeisdepressing

Hey Ryan, welcome to PC. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm glad you came here and I hope you can find some relief, I know it really helps me to talk to people who understand what I'm going through. That's what I love about PC. I'm glad you're going to see your doctor, hopefully you can get some help. You're always welcone to PM me if you want to talk

Thank you. Yeah it helps me to & that's the aim I wanted by joining this site. Yeah I really hope I can get help because I'm at an all time low. Thank You - it means a lot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------Lets just say this evening (Sunday) was probably the worst of my life to date, I even considered wanting to end my life it got so bad, my sister & best friend had an argument - my best friend was talking differently to me & now I feel as though I'm losing one of, if not my actual best friend because of it, What have I done to deserve this? I just want everything to be like it was before - me having my best friend (who I'm having a chat with tomorrow about this) back! I just want to be & feel normal so to say! I just want this depression out of me forever because it's killing me inside

[TerryL]

Oh it's too bad about your dad and your friends' reactions. I believe you feel what you feel, at any age, and it should be taken seriously. Depression is still a taboo subject to many. I would love for more people to be honest about it, get it out there, talk about it, understand it, deal with it... I hope your doctor visit will be helpful.

as for you best friend, it's good you guys will be talking tomorrow. Clear the air. Good luck with that!

[gma45]

You sound like a great person that has just hit a rough spot in your life. I am sorry your dad and step mom are so insensitive to your feelings sometimes words really do hurt even if they don't really mean to. I am sure you are loved by your dad just as much as your step moms kids. I think your parents mean well they just don't know how you feel in regards to what they are saying. Sometimes it's not what you say its how you say it! Lots of people do not understand depression, you will always hear just get over it. Well that does not work with real depression. I am glad you are seeing a doctor I am sure that will help you. Don't try and explain your self to your friends they may not understand or just be ready for that if you do. Hang in there things will get better!

[RyanTheEagle]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Oh it's too bad about your dad and your friends' reactions. I believe you feel what you feel, at any age, and it should be taken seriously. Depression is still a taboo subject to many. I would love for more people to be honest about it, get it out there, talk about it, understand it, deal with it... I hope your doctor visit will be helpful.

as for you best friend, it's good you guys will be talking tomorrow. Clear the air. Good luck with that!

Thank you The chat went really well & it's all sorted now so I've got my true best friend back & it feels great It really is a taboo - I don't think people fully 100% understand how depression really affects people & how tough it is to live with. I think it's helped me being more honest & I hope others that are suffering do too.

Originally Posted by gma45

You sound like a great person that has just hit a rough spot in your life. I am sorry your dad and step mom are so insensitive to your feelings sometimes words really do hurt even if they don't really mean to. I am sure you are loved by your dad just as much as your step moms kids. I think your parents mean well they just don't know how you feel in regards to what they are saying. Sometimes it's not what you say its how you say it! Lots of people do not understand depression, you will always hear just get over it. Well that does not work with real depression. I am glad you are seeing a doctor I am sure that will help you. Don't try and explain your self to your friends they may not understand or just be ready for that if you do. Hang in there things will get better!

Thank You I know, I just think that this depression is playing a part in how I really feel because me feeling so paranoid it's just making me feel absolutely awful sometimes. Yeah I suppose so. I know, it's tough really telling people how I really feel because it's really hard for them to understand, which I 100% get because if I hadn't experienced it - I wouldn't know what it really felt like. I just had a normal clear the air talks with my friend in the end & it worked .. feel high (for now anyway!)

Update: So today's actually been an ok day, I had "clear the air" talks with my friend & it's all good now so I'm absolutely delighted with that - don't think I could deal with losing one of my best friends. I also went to the doctors first - answered a few questions, told her how & why I feel depressed & so I'm going to see her in another month & I get the basis that I'll be assigned to a counsellor - which I think'll do me good!

[RyanTheEagle]

In general I've had a pretty decent week & then BAM ... once again a Friday is the day where I feel really bad & as though I just can't deal with it anymore! Now all of my friends are starting to realise that I haven't been myself and I don't really want them to tell them why because I don't think they'll quite understand how I really feel & it's not fair on them! This depression is just killing me inside now & it's just so tough now .. I feel as though there's no light at the end of the tunnel & I just feel as though everything's going to get worse! I've lost my mind & now I'm starting to think I'll lose my friends! I just want to travel back to a time when I was just me & happy .. these last few months in particular have been hell! :'(