[lenjan]

Geeze. I haven't had a day like this in a long time.

I know my son loves me. I know I have good friends and a wonderful therapist who care about me. More often than not, after YEARS and YEARS of therapy, I can accept myself and at least tolerate myself, if not completely (yet) like myself. I'm learning to get angry at the people who caused the hurt, instead of getting angry at myself for not standing up for myself, even though I was only a little kid and had no control over what was going on.

I seem to be sliding into an "episode," however. All I could think last night and so far today is that I'm approximately the worst human being in the entire history of humanity ever to walk the earth. I'm smart. I'm witty. I'm good at my job. So where is this "you completely suck, you worthless piece of crap" feeling coming from?

Most of the time, I *know* all the good things, and believe them. But it looks like it's going to be a while before I believe them again. I know it's the depression talking, but when it takes over, it does so on a grand scale.....

I suppose every depressive has similar stories -- I'd like to hear some. Misery loves company, after all.

Candy

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((candybear)))
I understand. You look around and get see the reality of a life that looks good from the outside. But, your head and your thoughts often don't match up to that.
People don't understand...they may even say things like how could you feel depressed when you have so much going for you.
But, where were they when the abuse was being done?
Where were they in your lowest moment?
My story is all around PC so you could look up my user name and see how I go up and down and all around with my thoughts and emotions.
Hope your day is one that soon is fleeting and you can see how you are loved, by your son and all else important in your life!

Oh yeah!

Am there myself now - well, except for the "I can accept myself and at least tolerate myself" - not sure I have ever got to that point, not really.

I was saying to someone yesterday that logically I can see that I am not obnoxious, but emotionally I FEEL obnoxious, and the two don't match up. The emotions outweigh the logic, so that feels bad, but also I have this intense struggle going on internally, with the contradictory messages.

I know where those messages come from for myself. I think you have to find out for you where they come from. Mine came from years of never being good enough for my parents' high expectations and from having to parent my parents. And some other stuff too. But you are right, in my experience, that this is a common feeling for depressives.

Caroline

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}} What can I say, being in the same place as you are right now. Yup! Depression is a master LIAR. It whispers it's ugly comments in the hidden recesses of your mind and warps your outlook on everything else.

Keep a watch on that self-talk, Hun. For everything negative Depression whispers to you, yell back TWO positives! "I did what was best for my boy, therefore I'm a great mom!" "Wow, look at all the experience I'm tucking under my belt so that I'll be able to get one of those high-paying jobs soon." Etc., etc., and soforth. You said it yourself! You're intelligent and witty!

Oh... and get your sweet self under that lamp, will ya?? LOL

today i am so dissociated. why.. because my disgust is so great that i am bearly here. Its difficult knowing your own filth. Today is one of those for me .

[ozzie]

Hi Candy. I understand the feeling. It's as if every once in a while the depression does a number on our self esteem and self confidence. It happened to me recently and I can't tell the story here.

You said you were working on getting angry at those who cause the hurt rather than at yourself and I think that's helpful for a while. Even after I've worked thru my anger at the other person, I end up with the bad feelings about myself.

My husband told me about a t-shirt he saw yesterday that he thought was funny. The more I think about it the madder I get at the manufacturer and men who think like this. It said, "I'd be nicer to you if you weren't so stupid". I'm wondering if we believe a little of that attitude and even though we direct our anger at the other person, we still get these negative feelings about ourselves.

I'm sorry you're having a bad spell and hope it passes quickly. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))