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#1
Mar 14, 2011, 04:10 PM
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Today I feel robbed of my self-esteem.
Depression has taken my self possession. I feel apathetic and angry today. I went through the motions. Walked on the treadmill at the gym, worked on an oil pastel, listened to some music. But I am feeling empty. The conversation I had with my dad this morning did not help. It made the day so much worse. I know - of course - I cannot expect anyone else to act the way I want them to! My father is his own person. But I hate that I am in my 30's and he still makes me feel like nothing. Invisible. I know no one can make you feel a certain way. "That is up to you" they say. But I feel so confused. So triggered, still! I feel empty, hollow. I don't know how to put my life back together. I am working on being a whole person. But I still flicker in and out as though there is a bad reception.
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Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#2
Mar 14, 2011, 04:35 PM
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(((((((((Elana)))))))))
  Sending gentle hugs until your reception improves. 
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
 Elana05
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#3
Mar 14, 2011, 04:43 PM
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Elana--i can relate. I'm having a horrible day as well (horrible couple of months maybe)...and I can also relate to the whole dad thing. My dad can make me feel so small and worthless as well. That's something I need to work on healing from.
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| Elana05
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#4
Mar 14, 2011, 05:03 PM
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Quote:
Elana05, your father seems like an interesting case in his own right. Does he realize he makes you "feel like nothing?" Does he do it deliberately? Habit? What does he get out of the way he relates to you? [Feel free to ignore these questions; they run through my mind. Rarely do "our own problems" exist in a vacuum.]
__________________
My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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| Elana05
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#5
Mar 14, 2011, 05:24 PM
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(((((((((((Elana))))))))))))))
I'm sorry you are having a hard day.
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| Elana05
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#6
Mar 14, 2011, 05:54 PM
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I have been having problems with my reception today also. I'm sorry your father has caused such feelings for you. Is he aware of this? I'm glad you did the treadmill and painting while working on your life. Sometimes we have to run on automatic pilot until the situation improves. I'm just so glad you are doing what needs to be done even if you can't feel the way you would like. Sending you gentle of (((
))) of support. I hope the good feelings come again soon. Patricia
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| Elana05
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#7
Mar 14, 2011, 07:23 PM
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Thanks everyone. I SO appreciate your kind words today. I really needed it...
I joined my partner and her friends - work collegues, for dinner. But I felt so far away. I acted "friendly" but was just not really there. They have their own stuff to talk about. I feel like you all understand even more than the people I just spent time with IRL. I am so frozen. But have hope tomorrow is a better day. Also the cat stepped on my drawing...  She altered the oil pastel with her cat litter paws. It's kind of funny. But seems to top off today. I shouldn't have left it on the table. I just feel like everything I try to do gets lost into thin air. I feel like a ghost today - a kind of entity with little value or impact. But you all have made me feel better. Elana
__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#8
Mar 15, 2011, 11:49 AM
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I’m glad you’re feeling better. Were you able to ‘fix’ the cat paw marks? Things go wrong but if we are able to ‘fix’ some of the ‘wrongness’ it sometimes helps. Sending you gentle (((
))) of support and comfort - Patricia
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| Elana05
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#9
Mar 16, 2011, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
__________________
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| Elana05
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#10
Mar 16, 2011, 05:20 PM
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((Elana05))
I'm totally using my non-doctor notepad to prescribe a cup of hot chocolate and some time to relax. You deserve it! Our parents effect us greatly, for the better part of our lives they are our idols, if not for our entire lives, so its not unusual for him to be able to bog you down like this. I know my dad effects me the same way and I don't think he does it on purpose, I think he's just crusty. Just remember that you ARE you're own person, no one can take that away from you.
__________________
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| Elana05
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#11
Mar 16, 2011, 10:06 PM
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Oh I know how you feel. I feel like saying a big "AMEN SISTER"! One day at a time. That is all we can do. Especially for me lately. I never know how I'm going to feel or what mood I will be in. How things will affect me as I float thru the motions of the day. Hang in there.
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| Elana05
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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