[LookingforCalm]

I live alone and sometimes I get way too much in my own head. I feel like I should be more productive with my time off, a better friend and family member to those I care about and then my mind goes ever further...

Thinking I am a total failure. Almost 40 and never finished college, divorced and living in a tiny apartment I can barely afford due to my choices in life and what got me here... like a bad marriage and subsequent drug use (drug-free for over 2 years now, though). I am seeing someone now, but I always worry that the love will stop because it always seems to.

I feel like I should be doing more, but then I have days like today that are debilitating I can hardly get out of bed. It was hard enough to raise my hands to the computer to type this - my arms feel like heavy weights.

I've done therapy before and am thinking of doing it again, but I work such insane hours (retail) that I don't have any kind of set days off or schedule whatsoever. That and I hate discussing anything personal with anyone I work with, as they like to gossip...

I guess I'm at this weird, mid-life crossroad thing again, and I'm scared. Thank you for letting me vent.

Hello, LookingforCalm. Congratulations. Two years drug-free is a big deal. I hope you can work something out with a therapist who can accommodate your schedule.

Good luck.

[Patriciann]

Two years of drug free is really, really terrific. You are in low spot right now and perhaps a bit worn out. For me my depression is kicking me pretty hard right now. I try to use it as a time to rest and let go until I feel a bit better. You are seeing someone so that is terrific also. Now that you are drug free you may be just getting started on a better life. It takes time and that is the hardest part. You are on your way and with being drug free and having someone in your life along with holding a job you have a lot going for you. Just keep working hard at it and be gentle with yourself. Allow old wounds to heal and know you are cared about. ((hugs))

[Rohag]

Hello, LookingforCalm!

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

I feel like I should be doing more, but then I have days like today that are debilitating I can hardly get out of bed.

Oh...yes. Some days seem almost OK, and I wonder what's holding me back. Then, suddenly, WHAM! "Oh, yes. Now I remember why I'm on all those meds and a functional shut-in."

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

...and I hate discussing anything personal with anyone I work with, as they like to gossip...

You're right. Workmates are rarely the right folks to engage in the kind of dialogue you need.

Go right ahead and vent, as much as you want.

[lavieenrose]

Hi LookingforCalm, It helps to vent and this is a safe place to do it. It sounds like you're doing the best that you can, with all that you're dealing with. I hope that you can be kind and merciful to yourself.

[SmackytheFrog]

Hey LookingforCalm,

I think that you should be proud of being drug-free for two years. Its a great accomplishment and I think you should look at that as a starting ground. You still have time to go to college, if you can quit drugs then I believe you have the strength to get a degree.

As for looking for a therapist who can accomodate your busy schedule wouldn't it be possible to tell your work that a particular day or time of day (example, say Monday mornings) you just aren't available?

Just remember that you are a strong, independent woman and you've already proven that once you put your mind to something you can succeed. Everyone here believes in you!

[learning1]

If you were worried about telling your coworkers why you need time off, I used to say I was going for physical therapy... it is something people do every week or two too.

[LookingforCalm]

Thank you so much! That's why I love coming here... you guys are so helpful.