[kjb1985]

I have that feeling again. it has been two years since i felt it this strong. Anxiety and depression so strong it makes me sick and have panic attacks that seem to last all day, so intense i cant leave my house or deal with anything. I am on citalopram and valium and xanax as needed but doesnt seem to help.
I found out my job will end after this month, I also found out that guy who molested my five year old son is getting off free without enough evidence to convict him. My sons mom is a sorry excuse for a mother or a person which is why i have full custody of him. He drives me crazy every day and has alot of problems but I love him and i probably would just give up life if i didnt have him. I am so depressed i can barely get out of bed or do anything.
My thoughts are constantly racing and i cant eat, or concentrate on anything i just feel like throwing up all the time. Sometimes I have very strange thought that race through my mind, like hurting someone or something for no reason even though i dont want to. This is was originally caused my anxiety two years ago until i found out I also had OCD issues. I have gotten hooked on pain killers even though i should know better since i am a recovering heroin addict. I have a ton of physical problems which gave me access to painkillers. My life is spiraling out of control, then again it never did stop spiraling out of control, it always has been. And it doesnt matter anyways, even if i had my life in order i would still have my my depression/anxiety/ocd issues to deal with that looks like they will be with me for life.
I should try new meds, but ive tried them all. Name it ive tried it. I will need to look for a new job. I barely have the energy for anything. I feel like i am dying, or going crazy, or i feel like i belong in a mental instituiton. But I cant, my family needs me my son needs me and i need to be strong. But how long can i do this, when will it go away. I am a grown man crying in tears for no reason..yes i have alot to deal with but there are people that have it alot worse. It just seems like i ran out of strength to fight anymore and i am broken. Im 25 years old, i feel like im 50-60yrs old, i feel weak and run down. Hardly anything brings me joy and i am in a constant state of fear, sadness, and im scared to death and i pray to god every day this will all pass sooner than later..

[Rohag]

Hello, Kjb1985.

...i feel like im 50-60yrs old, i feel weak and run down.

Given your long history of depression and what you have faced and continue to face, you're more than justified to feel that way.

Meds you've got. What about social services -- or would they threaten your custody?

[tryingtobeme]

((((((((((KJB1985))))))

I feel your pain. I feel it in every word you wrote here. I can say I have been there, still there in some of it now. Your son seems to be your saving grace. Mine is and he is what I look to every day. He is why I get out of bed every day.

"But I cant, my family needs me my son needs me and i need to be strong. But how long can i do this, when will it go away." I get this, and I wish I had some answer for you. I live this everyday too.

"yes i have alot to deal with but there are people that have it alot worse." Don't ever feel others have it alot worse. Everyone is different and your deal is just as important as anyone elses. You deserve to feel better. You deserve the help that you need to get better. I wish I had something more encouraging to say other than, I am right there with you. I get your feelings and just don't give up. Your son needs you. He needs you more than anything. You are a blessing to him. If he is what keeps you going then focus on him to get you through until you get the help you need.

[online user]

Sorry you are having such a rough time. Hope it helped to vent to us. We are concerned and wish we could do more to help.