:(

I feel so stupid posting this, wasting everyones time. I just have reached this point where nothing seems the same anymore. Like there isn't any point in trying as it will never change. I'm Putting my family through so much as ive become somewhat unpredictable and found myself taking out my sadness on mum this morning being snappy with her. I hope she knows Im sorry. I wish I could tell mum or dad sometimes they know about it of course but don't understand, they are here for me but don't know how bad it is because I don't want them to know. Thats why I couldn't be fully honest with the psychiatrist when I first saw him a couple of weeks ago because mum and dad sat in the room the whole time and the short time I had on my own I didn't want to go back on some of what I'd said. Why do my parents have to be so involved? They get letters and stuff and it's like they're talking behind my back. I don't want to have to put my parents through all this I just want to deal with it on my own.
Some days I nearly try su again, my s/h seems to be getting worse. I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. I feel like just running away and never looking back but of course I can't do that. All this is at such a bad time with my gcse's being effected. :/
I don't even want to get out of bed I don't want to face the world. I have my first CBT sesh with the cpn tomorrow which I'm unsure about, or if it will even make a difference. But I'm willing to try. I just struggle so much more than anybody knows, it's my own fault for being secretive but sometimes I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and everything will all be okay. I just want the old me back I don't know who "I" am anymore.
I don't know what to do about it, when I get bad I'm stuck in this hole and the only solution seems to be su. I don't want to screw up, it hurt everyone so much last time I tried, I just don't want any of this. I get so worked up I never know how to calm myself down . I try taking a showed it doesn't help, I try to sleep I cant, I try screaming and punching my bed it doesn't work I just get more worked up. The stupid breathing thing doesn't do a thing. Even s/h doesn't help anymore, I just feel empty sometimes, absolutly nothing at all, I can't seem to make myself feel anything towards anything. I don't know what to do

jess thank you for being comfortable enough to post how you are feeling. it seems like chronic depression, but i'm not a pdoc. your emotions tho are similar to mine when i was incredibly depressed. doom and gloom, helpless and hopeless. i don't quite understand why you can't see your pdoc alone. you need to feel that you can be totally honest and express your mood. i don't know your age but next visit to pdoc i'd request this and see what he says. the only way he can really help you is if you tell all. maybe printing out your post to give to him is a start if you're uncomfortable telling him in conversation. or mail it to him. ask for private sessions with him excluding your parents.
don't give up. you deserve the help you need.

Have you tried writing your parents a letter? I'm sure they want to know what is going on with you so they can help you. It's hard for parents to always know the right thing to do, but it sounds like they are trying. Maybe if you are honest with them about what you need and what you want, they will be receptive. They are probably worried about you and not quite sure what to do. I've been looking for that magic wand for a long time....it sure would be nice, unfortunately the only way to get better it through a lot of hard work. Good Luck at your CBT session - do you want a pocket rider?

Thankyou. I told mum I felt bad but she didn't really understand. I couldn't tell her I'd been thinking about suicide. I just couldn't.
School was awful, I felt awful. I ended up walking out in the middle of 5th lesson, and didn't even go to my last lesson. I just couldn't function properly at all, I was thinking abbot it a lot and I got myself so worked up. I just don't know what to do with myself. :/