[PurplePaisley]

I occasionally do this when depressed. I know perfectly well that I'm an adult and I have free will and all of that, so while depressed I just skipped out on life for 2 weeks. I am not proud of that, actually, I'm ashamed of that. I know that I let my life get unmanageable in that time and I don't know why I do it.

Anyway, saw my T Friday and we discussed me pulling myself out of a group {that I really didn't want to be in--Mindfulness, my second time being in it AND quitting} and she wondered why I didn't at least call. Probably because I was ashamed that I WAS NOT going to leave the house and didn't want to face up to that. I know it's not healthy, but I didn't care.

I also wonder, do any of you feel "accountable" to your T? I didn't see her for 2 weeks because of conflicting schedules and I let my care plan and myself go to hell.. FAST. Also in that 2 weeks, I did nothing productive, but ruminate, sleep, and hide. I've been on track again for 3 days now-- wow 3 showers in 3 days!!, journaling and all of my other self- care things, but I needed a kick in the butt to do it. T mentioned that I do seem to do better with more frequent visits, and I do need to feel accountable.

I don't know why I can't just be accountable to MYSELF, but I think that insidiousness of depression. I just let self-care go right out the window. Do any of you do this? I do SO MUCH better when I know I have my T to be accountable, but when I'm ready to just spend 2 weeks in the house, that's it.

How do I be an adult about this and just make myself do what I know what I need to do?

__________________

[online user]

It's because you don't value yourself enough. You are other-directed. You'll do things for others that you won't do for yourelf. You take care of yourself like you should, when you know your therapist will be asking about it. You know what to do, you just don't bother to do it when you pereceive you don't have to.

This would make a really good therapy topic--ask your T the question and get him/her to work through the answer with you.

PS. I sense this, as I can be very, very much like this myself! Understand what you are going through!

[Elana05]

Hi Purple Paisley,

It is a struggle. The depression makes it very hard. I have found I do better with more therapy. So I go 2x per week now. But work has been especially hard for me to think about. The best I can do is get to therapy and 12 step group. Be gentle with yourself. Do the things that you can. I think it is all about tweaking meds and therapy. A little more of this, a change in that. Just show up. But don't be hard on yourself. Do what you can do. Keep asking for help.
E.

[Hopeful yet hurting]

I also find that I need that accountability so I totally understand. I can very easily let life care things slide and fall into unhealthy habits. It is way to easy I agree. I also wish I could remember to act like the adult that I am and hold myself accountable but I know that it is not totally possible at this time... I guess we just keep on keeping on... hugs!