[NickyC]

So, I have panic disorder. The good news is that after finally going and getting help about 6 years ago I have not had any serious, disabling panic attacks like I used to have. However, after all this time something new has begun to happen.

So, when I had panic attacks they would come in periods and then leave. Like, would show up severely for a couple months and then fade off and go away for years. The massive panic would cause me to become depressed and once I even became agorophobic and then as swiftly as they came they went. Back years ago, when I went to see a psychiatrist they put me on klonopin prn and we worked a bit with CBT and it was a miracle that finally gave me control of my panic attacks.

However, lately I started becoming very....angry. Not yell at people or hit things angry. But more like a slow burn deep inside. And, all it takes is a minor thing to set me off and put me in a bad mood. Also, I think I'm depressed. Its not intense, like it always was with the panic episodes. But, it's this insidious thing. I'm still very functional, do well at work and such. But, I just have no energy and don't care to do anything anymore. I've even pretty much lost interest in sex which is not normal for me. I've also become very pessimistic and prone to arguing. And, apparently, I'm moody now too according to my partner.

So, I've started getting back to the gym as this always helped with the panic and have been at it for almost a couple months now and I'm trying to start using some CBT to stop being so pessimistic. But, I guess I need some peeps to vent to and talk to. And, that's why I'm here. I have complete faith that I will get better because I've been through this before a few times. But, this has probably come on because of the massive stress I'm currently under and it's not going to abate for a while. So, I figured I'd get on here and ask for some shoulders to cry on. As far as the stress I'm a resident physician in my last year and starting studying for my boards which are overwhelming. My partner is graduating pharmacy school next week but cannot find a job and while our finances aren't dire we are a bit strapped and have to watch every purchase. I've accepted a fellowship with a group that refuses to offer me a job at the same time (which in this situation would be usual) and wants my fellowship to be an 'extended interview' (even though I've been working with them for 3 years now). Our house continually breaks. I have to fix it myself (cause we're paycheck to paycheck) during what would normally be my vacation time resulting in me not having a vacation of any sort in 6 years. And, my partner, while absolutely wonderful in so many ways, does not pull his weight and expects me to make the money, clean the house, do the lawn, and cook for him. Although, we've been talking about this and he's getting better. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel tired...so so tired. And, I just long for a quiet place where I can go and forget the world for a while. AND, I finally want at least something nice...that I don't have to build with my own hands. I've been in school for 12 years straight, I've never been able to relax, to go on a shopping spree; I'm tired of taking care of everyone around me. We're in massive debt from both going to professional school and need jobs yet I'm in limbo and he can't find one although he is really trying. Life is just not so good. And, as I've been in school for years with no time I have no friends anymore. Me and my partner have had to work hard to find time to keep our relationship healthy (which it is..and is a blessing) and it's left us without any time to keep up with friends. So, I just have no one to talk to. And, now I'm blathering so I'll stop. Thanks for listening.

[Leed]

I know this whole scenario must be normal for resident physicians, and I also know that you've had to work long and hard to get where you are ~ but something is going to HAVE to be done about your unending schedule, before you DO blow up and start yelling at people. You NEED a vacation away from there -- a human being can stand only so much, and if you're going to be a kind, compassionate doctor (which I hope to God you are), then PLEASE find some way of getting away. There are far too many non-caring doctors out there already -- and i think i've seen them all.

You owe it to yourself and your patients to find some time to relax, and recoup some energy & perspective. Your finances HAVE to be able to afford it!! This is for your own good. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[online user]

I have learned that being angry and easily irritated is a sign of my depression. When I am less irritable, my depression is better. Your plan to address this with exercise is commendable. I am sure the increased stressors you are facing are challenging your reserves. Do be kind to yourself and prioritize carefully how you spend your time--make sure you take care of you as best you can!!