I just need to get this out - TRIGGER!

I'm in a place I fall into every once in a while. I've found I hit this ditch once or twice a year. I'm on medication now, as of this past September, but life's obstacles have made it a challenge to stick to the routine every day and I've been having major ups and downs. My roommate said the other week that he knows when I haven't been taking my medication, even though I don't talk about it.

I haven't been feeling particularily suicidal - not in the sense that I feel filled with anguish that can only be relieved by ending my life any way I can. I've felt that way before, when all I can think about, all the time, is suicide and how it was the only way I felt I could relieve myself of my anguish.

But right now... I can't help but feel that if death came knocking on my door, I wouldn't run. I'd be okay with his company - even happy to see him.

I'm almost curious to see if there really is anything on the other side. I might not even know that I once lived before. Maybe there's another life, a being born controlled by a brain that in a way is "you" but not in the sense that it's the same soul, the same spirit. Just neurotransmitters controlled by structures in the brain, a consciousness born of matter that allows the vehicle to identify itself as "you".

I owe a fair bit of money and dread that I will never pay it off. I struggle daily with anxiety and depression, ups and downs, highs, lows, confidence dragged down by self-doubt. I get a job, I become overwhelmed with anxiety, I quit. I burn a bigger hole in my wallet and the wallets of my loved ones. I don't know what my life insurance is worth, and I doubt suicide will result in a payout, but I sometimes think that if I get struck by a semi at full speed, a complete accident and 100% unintentional event on both mine and the trucker's part, the payout would clear my debts and allow me to start over. Or at least to cease my impulsive behavior.

I enjoy this world as much as I dislike my life. What fortune we have to live on a planet with such beauty and variety of advanced life. I would hate to part and never see any of it again, but at the same time, I feel such a deep guilt and regret I feel can only be made better by my accidental death.

I'm sorry if this worries anyone. I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm past that now, I haven't been that severely depressed since August and I'm working hard to keep myself above those feelings. But sometimes I can't help but feel a strange curiosity and longing for death.

I know what you mean when you say this. I am not suicidal either, but when I get really stressed sometimes I think if something happened to me right now, like a car accident or a brain hemorrhage or something sudden and unexpected, I wouldn't feel bad that I was dead. I would just feel relieved. Usually I thought that if I died young I would be angry because I usually enjoy life, but when I'm anxious and depressed I think "how bad can death be?"

But like I said, I'm not suicidal. I've never wanted to take my own life, but I just want relief from the worry in my head.

Sorry you are sad and feeling hopeless. I used to imagine the calm and peace of being able to end everything. Then I saw an episode of "Paranormal States" I think it was. The host said that many of the unhappy spirits he encounters in his work are actually suicide victims!!~

That changed my opinion of suicide greatly. Might be buying into a worse state of affairs that trying to deal with living!

And I do believe in ghosts and some kind of afterlife. Have friends with ghosts in their houses and my sister-in-law was visited by her husband's spirit after death--he rearranged her slippers to let her know he was still around. Too much evidence I have been subjected to, to avoid believing in this. This isn't coming from religious dogma, but from actual friends' experiences, too numerous to count or be made up.

You might want to focus on what small steps you can take in your state of depression to secure a better future for yourself. Do call a help line if you feel desperate.

online user:

(first, I love your avatar xD )

I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment. It's just, almost a transfixion with death. I have no intention of taking my life.

The idea of ghosts scares me. Not because I'm afraid they'll attack me, but just the thought of being stuck here, on earth, all over again and being invisible. It just seems scary and lonely.

Anyway, thanks for the sympathy and advice. I've had to write down hotlines in the past and I once wrote up an "Emergency Plan". I know what to do when I'm in that pit of despair and how to keep myself from going overboard...

Thanks!

ps - feeling a little better today, not quite as sulky. :P

Glad you are feeling better. One of my kittens was watching the computer screen earlier tonight--attacking my little avatar! It was hilarious. My kittens can always make me smile.

Don't know how my friend lives in the house with the ghosts. Would bother me. Her daughter went thru a period when she wouldn't sleep in her room, but downstairs on the sofa in the living room. Her one ghost was turning on the stereo really loud in the middle of the night. My friend yelled at the ghost, to stop or she'd get a psychic to come clear them out of the house. So it stopped. It was about the time her son moved out to be on his own. She thinks the ghost was upset because she really liked her son. He is a very religious person, very kind & quiet. I guess she lived in the house for quite some time before she knew there were spirits there. And most of the time they get along OK. Wierd, though.