[flora_poste]

I haven't posted in maybe a year and a half, I'm not sure, but a lot has changed. I recently moved back home to WA from Brooklyn, NY to help out my not-so-well mother and grandmother and because things were getting a bit too tough in NY.

To give an idea of what the situation is here: my mom lives with my grandmother in my grandmother's house and cares for her for room and board. My grandmother is on the mean/emotionally abusive side and has a tendency to be incredibly self centered. She's 84, has MS as well as a plethora of other problems and since august, has been in the nursing home due to pneumonia and a heart attack, then a broken femur and heel (that happened while in the NH). My mom is 60 and also has a lot of health problems, but the worst is severe anxiety and depression. She also has a tendency to be pretty emotionally abusive and stubborn, but to a lesser extent. We did not get along at all when I was younger, and I ended up moving far away to get away from the unhealthy atmosphere.

Anyway, recently social security gave my grandmothers income to the nursing home, meaning that my mom has nothing to live on and nothing to maintain the house, so it's been on me to make ends meet on a very low income (what probably amounts to less than minimum wage much of the time). Needless to say, tension has been very very high. There hasn't been much to eat. There has been a period of time where we didn't even have toilet paper for a week. I've been making myself sick from worry and stress and the worst of it is that instead of being treated with gratitude and understanding, my mother has acted like nothing I'm doing is good enough and that I'm some selfish piece of crap with an attitude problem because I have acted negatively when she gets on my case!

So here I am WANTING to help, worrying over the welfare of my family when I've had a hard enough time taking care of myself. I sacrifice a lot to be here for her... possessions I worked hard for, being with my friends, my freedom and even sense of well-being... and I'm the jerk because I tell her I don't want to hear "when are you going to do this this and this?" every time I come downstairs. I'm not being irresponsible. I'm doing what needs to be done. I can only do what I've been doing. I know my best isn't good enough right now, but I really don't need constant reminders.Unfortunately, my health isn't good either. I can't keep a normal job because of chronic illness. I can manage on my own for the most part. I struggle, but I do it. I feel bad enough that I can't do better. Lately I've been feeling like I'm a mouse stuck in a box with no opening. Trapped. Alone. I'm a country away from my support system. I'm so overwhelmed. I cry a lot. I can't get out of bed some days... then I feel guilty for that.

Today my mom comes up to my room to tell me how I have a bad attitude problem because I've been snapping and I apparently have had dirty looks on my face and because earlier I told her I needed her to stop hounding me. I tell her she's guilty of the same thing, but she refuses to look at it that way. She tells me she's stressed and depressed and I tell her so am I. She says she thinks I'm just fine because in so many words, that I'm cold and think only of myself. She even gets so mean as to say that no wonder I had such a hard time in NY with roommates. She tells me that I should leave and that she doesn't care if she starves. She even says that I shouldn't go to lunch with my friend tomorrow because it makes her feel bad (this is my oldest friend who I haven't seen since I was 13 AND he's the one paying!). I try to communicate as an equal and it does no good, she goes straight for the emotional abuse and there's just no need for it. How can I get through to her that we are EQUALS in this mess... that I'm just as stressed, depressed, sick and in need of understanding as she is? Is it even possible?

What's even worse is that my grandmother is scheduled to be home at the end of the week. On one hand, it means soon the finances will be better and she'll be better off in a lot of ways. But on the other, it means that I'll have 2 very mentally unstable, sick and emotionally draining people constantly on my case. The last time I lived here was the worst part of my life and it's why I moved so far away. I swore I'd never come back, and a big part of me is wishing I hadn't. But if I hadn't, my mom would probably be starving to death and my grandmother would surely die in the nursing home. I feel helpless.

[Rohag]

Wow, Flora_poste.

• Emotionally abusive grandmother
• Depressed and emotionally abusive mother
• Financial stress
• Your own mental struggles
• The weight of recent difficulties

Even if you were not struggling with your own challenges, this situation would sorely tax your psychic resources.

Can you obtain assistance (personally, I think you need help to confront the situation you face)? Washington State 2-1-1? Washington State Department of Social & Health Services (DSHS)?

[Mediator]

I am sorry to hear you. And I remember my mother's racket with crying: "Surely you wouldn't your mother let alone at home."
Do not let them push you down. You are a good girl that you look after them and be sure that you will have enough time for yourself. I cross fingers to you.

[flora_poste]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Wow, Flora_poste.

• Emotionally abusive grandmother
• Depressed and emotionally abusive mother
• Financial stress
• Your own mental struggles
• The weight of recent difficulties

Even if you were not struggling with your own challenges, this situation would sorely tax your psychic resources.

Can you obtain assistance (personally, I think you need help to confront the situation you face)? Washington State 2-1-1? Washington State Department of Social & Health Services (DSHS)?

I really wanted to apply for benefits but unfortunately, if I tell DSHS that I pay rent, my family's benefits are put in jeopardy. If I don't tell them I pay rent then I make too much money to get help. It's a pretty awful position to be in. I'd love to get a therapist, but the cost is out of the question and transportation is very difficult in a small town when you have no car. =[

[flora_poste]

Thanks so much! I've really been needing the encouragement.