[kjb1985]

Have dealt with depression for over 12 years and im only 25, the newest thrill is anxiety that started a couple years ago. I have tried nearly all medications available over the years and nothing seems to work. I am currently on citalopram and valium, although the citalopram must be doing something because everytime I try and switch meds or quit, I feel complety pycho and absolutely cannot cope.
I can barely get out bed no matter howmuch I sleep. I can barely go to work. I can barely do anything at all. Even when I am at work it takes everything I have in me just to stay. I have to take care of my son who I have full custody of, maybe that’s the only thing that DOES get me out of bed because I know he counts on me. I have a lot on my plate, and a lot of horrible things I have to deal with, but I cant help but wonder even if I had no issues to deal with I would still feel the same way. Even if I won a million dollars I would still feel the same way. People tell me im strong. They say I am strong for dealing with what I have to deal with, but they are wrong, I feel totally weak. I have no energy and just want to lock myself in my room and sleep and not deal with anyone. This has been going on to long and only seems to get worse.
I feel terrible for anybody that has to deal with this and I know there is no “magic pill” but wish there was some med that atleast made me “content”. I almost have accepted the fact I wont be happy, I just pray one day I will feel content. I feel like an old man, tired, irritable, and im shutting people out of my life like my girlfriend, friends, family. I cannot keep up with my work and don’t expect to me there much longer. Too many external problems, too many internal problems I feel like im going to explode. Nobody understands, they just say “Suck it up”, well I am, I am everyday. Im giving 100% just to go about my day. The anxiety is awful too, i feel like a weirdo at work, like i dont talk to anyone or aynthing. It sounds ridiculous, but i almost feel disabled. Like I have a serious disease. I think, i just need a good night sleep and Ill feel better in the morning...never happens..

[Omers]

Feeling weak and carrying on anyway IS being strong.
Depression and anxiety are diseases, they are real
Depression and anxiety can become bad enough to qualify you for disability support... They ARE disabling.
What you are experiencing is real and yes it does really suck... BIG time!
Have you talked to your doctor/treatment provider about non-medical ways to combat the depression and anxiety? Might be worth a try if the meds are only helping so much.

[kjb1985]

Well I have tried exercise, although at this point I couldnt even force myself to try. I used to body build for 3years. Vitamins, herbal supplments, therapy. anything you can think of really..I would feel like a total failure if I applied for disability for this, people do that? What else did you mean by non medical treament?

[Omers]

I use a light box (although I have depression and seasonal affective disorder), I use essential oils and massage/body work but I know there are other things too.

[arcangel]

How experienced is your doctor in treating depression and anxiety? This is just a thought but feeling "psycho" when you try to quit or switch anti-depressant meds may be a combination of withdrawal and rebound. What other meds have you tried? Also IMHO, valium would not be the first choice of most people in treating long term generalized anxiety.

[dragonfly2]

Yes, people go on disability for depression and other mental health issues. It is as real an illness as diabetes, or heart disease or cancer. Major depression is just as biological as other illnesses. It's the brain that is affected instead of the heart or other body systems. Would you consider yourself a failure if you were unable to work because of a heart illness of some sort? Or a debilitating injury? It's no different for people with mental illnesses.

Is there some way you could take some medical leave from work? Something like this would be considered a valid medical leave and if you are in the US and have worked for your employer for at least a year, then you are probably protected by the Family and Medical Leave Act. By law, your employer has to allow you to take up to 12 work weeks of medical leave without the risk of losing your job. Taking a leave now may give you some time to recover and prevent things getting any worse.

And if you find that you are no longer able to work, apply for disability benefits. I found myself in that position last summer and to be honest, going on disability was the most responsible thing I could have done. I was no longer able to work and was headed for a major hospitalization. I tried to take some medical leave, but for me it wasn't enough. If I had continued to work, I would have ended up extremely sick and would have lost everything. Now I am able to get my disability payments and help support my family.

I know how it feels like you're failing. But try to understand that this is real and it is not your fault. Anybody who says you "should" be able to do it hasn't walked in your shoes. I would seriously look into at least a short medical leave so you can have some space to just breathe and figure out what to do next. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[kjb1985]

I have only been at my current job a few months, before that i was laid off and collecting unemployment for a long time, if i wasnt able to recover during that time span, i dont know what i could do while collecting disability. And feeling "pycho" when stopping my meds or changing them or increasing them..i think my body is just used to the current amount im taking now.