[beautifuldisaster78]

Well, I'm back...again. Seems I hang around PC during two phases. One when I am on the upswing of things and starting to feel better... and one when I've about reached despair. Seems I should stay as I'm feeling better because then perhaps I could help someone else. But I forget about it in my own little world. Then perhaps I should stay in my despairing moments because sometimes this is as close to non-isolation as I ever get.

Thought meds were working for me. It's been almost 2 months without severe bouts of depression. Was so excited that after all I'd tried something started to work! So why am I here... this endless cycle of feel pretty good, then crash 180 degrees. And really- it's all in my head. Nothing has to happen externally for me to crash, I just do. Which actually makes it worse... if some outward tradgedy would occur and least then people would see reason for my depression. Instead I am left with guilt that I shouldn't be this way.

Is this endless cycle ever going to stop?? Will I ever not go back all the way to despair? Or are some people just destined to be that way. I realize life has ups and downs for everyone, but to enter into such total darkness at random moments and stay there for long periods of time is not normal.

Sorry, I know these are questions that can't really be answered. Just needed to speak to someone that may listen. Thanks.

[Leed]

Hi ~ this happened to me alot, even tho I was on medication for depression. My former doctor would change my medication to see if something else worked better.

I'm seeing a different doctor now, and the last time I "fell" into one of those dark pits, I talked with him and instead of changing my meds, he ADDED Abilify -- and that has made all the difference in the world. I now take Abilify along with my antidepressant. I no longer have the periods of despair that I had --- I feel "normal" (whatever that is). I don't feel numb -- I'm able to actually FEEL emotions. Thank God they don't make me feel like a robot. LOL

Perhaps the Abilify could help you too. It's been a God-send for me. Best of luck and I hope you find something that helps. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Hello, JayCee. Perhaps knowing you have come back will ameliorate the despair? It might be interesting to write down what was going on before the downward spiral began. You might find there is a pattern or trigger that is not so obvious.

I have dealt with depression for decades. Now, the downs are not so far and the highs at times are higher.

Be well.

[madisgram]

glad u're back, beautiful.i've done/felt the same as you before.
referencing the depression...for me the solution was therapy, CBT. it taught me coping skills and tools to assist me balancing my moods. previously i had no coping skills at all. i was at the mercy of my deep depression for years.
i am fortunate that i responded to anti-depressants, too. but i know only meds are certainly not enough. i had to learn how to deal with life in a new way also.
journaling did help me. after i had written down my feelings i could go back and identify the triggers that set off my depression. i was unaware of these triggers til my T showed me. i journal particularly now if i go into a funk.. it's amazing to find the reasons i went down. depression can have cycles too. that's another phenomena i need to be aware of.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Thank you to all who responded. It really means more to me than you know just to have someone who understands take time out to reply to someone they dont even know.
To Leed- I am very glad the Abilify has worked so well for you. I am very hesitant to add any more meds as I am on so many already and I am only 32. I thought Lamictal was my miracle drug... once I got to that therapeutic dose I thought things would never be the same. Unfortunatly, they are again- and I've only been taking it 2 months so it's not like I am becoming tolerant to it already. I just don't understand.

To Byzantine and Madi- Oh how I long for a time where the lows aren't so devestating. At this point I don't even care how high the highs are- I just want to keep my head above water.
And I write CONSTANTLY. the trouble is filtering through the mess of words because my head goes into a million places at once. So triggers, I have yet to identify. I know I will have some small problem... very miniscule, like needed to do the laundry, or pay bills or whatever and just break down and feel overwhelmed and lose it.

Anyway, I talked with my counselor today and we were on a subject I really didn't want to be on so I left the office more angry than when I went in. I told him I didn't want to be on the subject but he seemed to think I needed to be so he continued. And I love my counselor and would never switch (been seeing him over a year- which is the longest for me) but he talks to darn much! I wish he'd ask more questions. Sometimes he sits in silence waiting for me to say something and it's really uncomfortable. I can write all day- but I need to be prompted to talk. And when I don't talk, he does. So it's really my fault but still....

Perhaps it is time to revise the treatment plan? Therapy is a cooperative venture. Establishing goals and the means to achieve them is important. You might let the therapist know what you think is important and want to focus on while your therapist might offer his thoughts for achieving a good result. The two of you then may put what you agree upon into the treatment plan.

It would also be a good time to talk about annoyances that either or both of you believe impede progress. Having a better understanding of the roles and expectations for both of your might expedite the treatment.