Yesterday I spent the whole day crying, even while I was out at the supermarket I couldn't keep the tears a bay, so embarrassing. Luckily I got to leave quickly and walk home. I had the hardest time getting to sleep. I got to sleep around 5 am and woke at 8. Immediately upon waking the voices returned, back to their usual , you don't want to be here over and over again, mixed in with some you want to leave, and you are horrible, ect ect.

Today not much better, had an outting with my boyfriend and kids, was going ok, till I just flipped on my boyfriend in the car, completely screaming hostile, crying, just totally flaking out. He brought me home and finally calmed me down. This is not typical normal me behavior. However when I am manic or depressed I loose my ability to be rational. I was saying things that didn't make sense and he could not follow along. Worse my kids were witness Once I could try and make sense of what was happening I felt even more guilty, what a horrible person I am , what a bad way to behave in front of my kids. What an awful way to treat me boyfriend, I felt like a monster. And inside I felt just scared, scared one day I will just be a hollow body trapped in an illness.

Does anyone else get like this while depressed? I don't know anyone in real life to ask.

[addcolin]

First of all, Welcome
Don't feel so bad to yourself - you are doing the best you can at the moment.
Yes, I have been having these crying spells, angry at me, the life, and all. We need to go step-by-step, knowing all will pass. . . slowly but surely the very painful feelings start to subside, even when you think they can't. Please keep in touch with friends here who care.

[RwhoweR]

You poor thing! I really would like to reach out and give you a huge hug for being so heartfelt and honest. I am a mother of three amazing children and I have had similar battles with depression. The one thing you willl learn is that a little later on in their life they will be exposed to these raw emotions sooner or later. Where better to learn the lesson that people struggle, cry and even get angry than from their own mother's nest. Wake up tomorrow and rent Mary Poppins. Smile while you make them a great snack and a picnic blanket and lay back down on the couch. Perception is everything for little ones. Say sorry if you really behaved badly but be sure to move on to the brighter side. You sound like a great mom. Please keep your strength up.

I was a stay at home mom for ten years and I now work for a team of high powered attorneys in one of the largest law firms in the mid-west. They cannot believe how efficient I am and how much I can handle. I always just laugh and say, "You do know I was a stay at home mom for ten years. This life is a piece of cake! There are no lunch breaks or golf outings in that world..." Take it day by day and surround yourself by positive motivating people until you can crawl out from under it. Your babies need you. Every darkness has a dawn

Trying to take it easy tonight. I saw my T this morning, we called my Pdoc but he was on vacation. My T told me she would call the on-call Pdoc at the hospital and the hospital would call for an outpatient app. The hospital called, said come at 3:30, then at 3 the hospital calls and say the doc won't likely come down and see me, and that the ER doctors won't touch my meds. So to go to my GP instead. I told them my GP was a bad choice, he isn't good with psych meds. Well after looking at my file more they say, you're right you're very med sensitive and he won't be able to do it. Sooo the tell me if I come into the hospital like I am now that they will keep me. I can't because I have no one to watch me kids at all, till next week. I would go in , and I know I likely should be in hospital, as much as I hate to admit it.

Sorry for the rant, I am frustrated with trying to get help in my city, this system sucks and I feel failed. So I sit at home till Aug 2nd waiting. Hopefully things don't continue to spiral. Today I feel depressed, agitated, irritable, with racing thoughts and had a minor hallucination. Looking a little mixed, I don't even know anymore.

Thanks for all your kind words both of you, I really needed to hear that.

I appreciated the stay at home mom analogy, I am a stay at home mom too.

[missbelle]

hang in there...right now I would welcome crying and throwing a fit. I would feel better. I am wound so tight I think I will snap into little bits.

Your kids need to realize also that life is not always a bed of roses. Stuff happens and we react. We are human. Life is hard!! So they saw their mom in a fit. Mom is human. Its o.k.!!

[rissaroo313]

I feel like that a lot its sooooo hard I'm sorry your feeling like this maybe talking it out will help they say prayers work and were all here for a reason..........try to fight back do let the voices win.............that's the enemy talking to you.........................Im gonna keep you in my prayers and hope things get better