Voices and visions graphic

Miracle1986 · Jan 02, 2009, 04:56 PM

My mind is racing so fast.
It is hard to explain, but it's like someone has a remote control and it is just "flipping" through like someone who is trying to find something on TV.

I hear random (and highly annoying) stuff like buzzing (like when a light is on that makes that noise), to all kinds of negative stuff...
"you are worthless"
"you are ugly"
"nobody really loves you... and if say they do, they are all lying"
"you need to SH... you know you want to... it'll make you feel better..."
"you are stupid"
"you are pathetic"
"you will never amount to anything"
"your husband is gonna leave you... you don't deserve him... he deserves so much better than you"
"you are sick"
"you don't deserve to be happy"
"your family would be better off without you"
... the list goes on and on and on
it also sounds like all this is being said very tauntingly... like someone is almost snickering while saying it... if that makes any sense.

I know this is gonna sound very strange and unbelievable, but I almost feel as though I am in my head and I am being pointed and laughed at while all this is going on.

.................................................. ................................................

and then I also "see" stuff too...

I see a naked woman, she is very thin and pale, sitting on a (I think) bathroom tile floor, leaning against a wall, knees up to chest, bloody towels and tools are all around her... stringy hair in front of her face so it is barely visible, but I can see the pain/numbness in her eyes... she is cutting herself... almost like she is trying to skin herself alive...she is moaning (I can hear it)........ she doesn't want to do it, but she can't cope with the emotional pain any other way...

the vision of her and the noises I can hear her making are so vivid, it seems real, like I am in the room with her...

I also see random words just like floating around in my head...
most of which are the main words from the things I hear... or closely related to what I hear.
Words I see are like
UGLY
DISGUSTING
WORTHLESS
ALONE
UNLOVED
UNLOVABLE
CUT (I actually see it in red letters)
BLOOD
*insert names of tools* (the letters seem like they are dripping blood)
STUPID
SICK
(this list could go on and on too)

I feel like I am going insane!!!!!
(and I know ya'll probably think I am too...)

Taonuviel · Jan 02, 2009, 05:07 PM

did something trigger this? do you have coping mechanisms? someone to talk to?

lifelesstraveled · Jan 02, 2009, 05:38 PM

((((((((manda))))))))))
I have no words, I am struggling myself right now....

Hope you'll have these instead

Don't pay attention to what is racing thru your mind. Just counter act it by thinking the opposite...which is easier said than done.... I know....

You are beautiful
You are worthwhile
They do love you and they DO mean it!
Do not SH...You reall DO NOT want to!
Your are smart
You deserve the love of your husband.
You deserve to heal
You deserve to be happy
And no one will benefit by not having you around...you are LOVED

Take care of yourself PLEASE

mmm424 · Jan 02, 2009, 05:42 PM

I really want to help you but don't know how! I hope you feel better soon. Are you on some medication that might be doing this? If not then maybe you should be on something. Can you talk to a health professional? I hope you feel well soon!
Please take good care of yourself

gimmeice · Jan 02, 2009, 06:36 PM

(((((((((((((( Manda86 ))))))))))))))))

Have you talked about this with your doctor? To me it sounds like a med adjustment may be in order. Do you have a T? I would also mention this to a T, they may be able to help.
I am sending you lots of hugs.

mistymi · Jan 02, 2009, 07:39 PM

i want you to know i feel the same way at times.
i can give you some advise of what i do and it sounds weird but write everything down. write on paper!explain everything you see hear, how you hear it. be as graphic as you can. then when you feel like you have a break either go outside or in a sink and burn the paper.
to me it is a symbol of getting it out of me.
i know it sounds weird and it may take a couple of times but it works for me.
that is the only advise i can give, because truthfully i dont know what else to do.

Miracle1986 · Jan 02, 2009, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gimmeice

(((((((((((((( Manda86 ))))))))))))))))

Have you talked about this with your doctor? To me it sounds like a med adjustment may be in order. Do you have a T? I would also mention this to a T, they may be able to help.

I am not on any meds (well except Topmax for my migraines, but I have heard it can be used for depression too, but I don't know about that).

I don't have a T.

Taonuviel · Jan 03, 2009, 01:21 AM

can you see a therapist and psychiatrist or at least your regular doctor? that's some really difficult stuff to deal with on your own or with only online support, and you may need some meds to help too.

Miracle1986 · Jan 03, 2009, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taonuviel

can you see a therapist and psychiatrist or at least your regular doctor?

I have no health insurance or money to pay for a doctor visit and definitely not a T or a psych.

Taonuviel · Jan 03, 2009, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manda86

I have no health insurance or money to pay for a doctor visit and definitely not a T or a psych.

neither do i. i go through community mental health services. depending on the size of your town there should be an office there, or you can contact the county or state to find a way to see someone. you also might try contacting doctors offices and asking if they know of any clinics where you could go, i go to one run by a catholic church (i'm not catholic, it doesn't matter, but catholics often have lots of social services programs) where i can see the dr for $10 - or nothing if i can't come up with that even. and these clinics are pretty knowledgeable on other services for the uninsured - cmh, prescription drug coverage programs, state aid. check it out.